Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Month: March 2015 (page 1 of 3)

The Making of An Addict: Part 1

Matt, your back pain, now relentless and worsening brought you to me for help.  At first, I really didn’t believe how bad your pain  truly was.  This knife stabbing pain that hit with every step, pain shooting down your leg leaving you unable to stand.  My medically trained brain reliving all the nights the drug seeking patients would show up at the E.D. with the God awful back pain and leave with a smile and script.  No way was I falling for this, how stupid did you think I was.

 You showed up on a Saturday unexpected, your handsome face wracked with pain.   You walked toward me like an old man, limping and holding your back.  Crap, this was real.  you weren’t lying. I watched you try to get comfortable and my heart ached.  You were way too young to be so broken.  Oh Matt, all those years of reckless motor cross racing, the jumps and falls finally catching up with you.   My mom brain shouted I told you so, but my mouth stayed shut.

Ice and ibuprofen didn’t seem to make a difference in the pain wracking your body.  Matt, I want the truth.  Have you taken narcotics.  Matt, I know you are having legitimate pain, but I need to know.  Mom, I took some Percs, I had to I can’t live with this pain.  Oh Matt, we can’t go down that road again.  I left you on the couch and prayed for a diagnosis of extreme muscle spasms anything that could be treated without the power of those demons.  I made some calls and got a script for a muscle relaxer, praying we could get through the weekend without a visit to the E.D.  There was no way I was letting those demons take you back to that pain free world I feared you still craved.  

Muscle relaxer, ice and Ibuprofen on board your pain seemed to let up a bit.  You refused to lie in bed so in the recliner you slept,  I stayed by your side on the couch conscious of your every move.  Fear gripping my heart as I relived days past where the scenario was the same,  you on the couch me on the floor after a night of hell battling your demons.  Please God, let the new day come and bring relief to your body and my mind.  I watched your every move as you slept, my mind in turmoil, my throat tight thinking of what new drama this could mean for our lives.

We never seemed to be able to catch a break.  Always something bringing chaos into the order we finally managed to find in our lives.  You were working, living with Lisa.  Still by the sea you loved.  Me,  finally being able to concentrate on my life without the constant worry over you.   Dating Ray, life was good.  Little did I know we were just about to board a runaway train that only the demons would control.

Monday came, pain the same.  Calls were made.  Charlie, this is Matt’s mom.  He’s here with me.  Don’t know what happened but he’s in horrible pain, can barely walk.  Oh, you know.  He left work early on Friday, told you he had doctor’s appointment.  Well, he’s with me and will be here until we get him seen and diagnosed.  Yes Charlie, I’ll keep you posted.   Hi Cindy, it’s MaryBeth.  I need a big favor.  My son, Matt is here and can barely move.  Can I get him in today, please I’m really scared.  Yes, I’ll hold.  Great, yes we will be there.  I wasn’t even wasting time with the family doctor.  My nursing gut instinct was guiding me and you were going to the best.  Dr. K. was surprised to see me and even more surprised to see how you were walking.   MRI and myelogram being ordered. The lump in my throat getting tighter as I look at your face seeing your fear growing.  Oh God, why is this happening.  Please help Matt. Stop this pain.  

We left his office and headed to the hospital for the first round of diagnostic tests.  You constantly complaining of pain, me pumping you with food and Motrin.  Thank God Dr. K. was more  interested in what was causing your pain then in masking it with pain killers.  Deep down I knew the time was coming to spill our dirty little secret, but now it would stay locked in my heart.

I sat alone in the hall lost in my thoughts while you lay still inside the metal tube that would give us information about the battle taking place in your spine.  My mind searching for the right words.  Matt had a problem with narcotics, no he’s not addicted, I mean he had a problem and we fixed it.  Oh God, why did it have to be so hard to just say it.  YES, he took Oxycontin and Percocet and liked the way he felt.  Yes, he might have a problem if he takes them again.   My heart prayed for a miracle as my mind was preparing for the worst.

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I was so lost in my thoughts that I didn’t hear you coming.  Your face said it all.  Still gray in pain.  Your survived the MRI.  You were able to put your claustrophobia on hold to get threw, so I thought until that Hey Mama flowed from your mouth.  Xanax, shit.  Matt where did you get Xanax.  Chill out Mom. You’re not helping me so yeah I got some Z’s to get me through this crap.  Ok Matt. I guess the fun is about to begin.  You and Xanax were a bad combo.  You either got sloppy or belligerent.  God, let’s be sloppy.  Please one more test to get through before I could run and hide from this hell.

Once again I’m left behind as you are led back to be prepared for your myelogram.  This time my thoughts are interrupted by your angry voice.  You are not getting an IV.  You start cussing at the nurse.  OK buddy.  Nobody cusses at nurses.  I am done with your behavior.  Mom, I’m not dressed. You can’t be here.  I glance at the young pretty nurse, now visibly embarrassed by your behavior.  Hi, I’m Matt’s mom and I’m a nurse.  I’m sorry for his behavior.  He is very stressed and in pain.  Yes, I heard.  No IV.  Surprising that someone with  tattoos has a fear of needles, my attempt to make a joke out of this nightmare falls flat.  OK buddy.  You sit, shut your mouth and get that IV.  Matt it’s her or me.  She puts it in or I will!!!!!  Mom.  Shut up Matt. I’m sitting right here until that IV is in, I’m in no mood for your crap.  Get it done. I’m done!

The ride home is quiet.  My mind spinning thinking of the possibilities of what’s to come.  My gut stirred up, throat with that familiar tightness.  You look at me with those eyes and that smile, sorry Mom.  I’m so scared. I hate hospitals.  Matt you melt my heart.  All my anger gone replaced by mother’s intuition that something dark is looming around us.  You will always be my little boy, disappointed by the father that broke your heart.  I see that scared little boy when I look at you.  Don’t worry Matt, you will always have me.

Later that night the phone rings.  You’re on the couch with an ice bag and I’m having a glass of red trying to keep my thoughts positive.  Shit, this was not going to be good.  Dr. K. calling at night.  Never good when you get a call after office hours.  I take a deep breath and answer.  I try to keep my voice low, not wanting to alert you until I knew.  Oh God, this can’t be.  Yes I hear you.  Yes, schedule it as soon as you can.  Your test results.  My heart sinking as tears start to fall.  I take a breath and sit next to you.  Matt, your spine has a deformity.  You need surgery to stabilize.  A fall could bring paralysis.  I know I’m scared too.  We will get through this I will take care of you.  Matt, there will be pain.  We will have to be very careful.  Yes, I have to tell.  Our dirty little secret about to be revealed.   You finally asleep.  Me playing our game, you hide I seek, searching your stuff for signs of the demons that followed you everywhere.  IMG_0420

 

 

 

 

 

Oh My Aching Back

Matt, it was my birthday and I just got home from treating myself to a manicure.  Something I rarely did as a nurse, washing my hands a hundred times a day the polish didn’t last as long as it took to be applied.  But it felt good to do something for myself.  After having dinner with you and Ray that night I started to find myself thinking less about your addiction and more about my happiness.  Like doing little things just for me, the reason for the manicure.

It was a beautiful day, all the windows open.  Me thinking how nice it was to just be able to enjoy the day.  I was sitting out back when my silence was disturbed by the obnoxious sound that only comes from a motorcycle.  Dam, who is that and why are they crashing my party.  That horrible noise practically in my face as I’m forced to open my eyes  and feel the heat of the sun being blocked.  Surprise Mom.  Happy Birthday.  So it was my son blocking the sun on my face and disturbing the quiet my mind was beginning to crave.  Looking back, this was a defining moment that described our relationship perfectly. 

I was so touched that you came up from the beach to spend time with me, then I saw the crotch rocket that delivered you to my door.  Mom, you like my bike.  Matt, that’s no bike, that’s a donor cycle.  Holy shit Matt, you have no business having access to that.  What were you thinking.  Flashbacks of your daredevil teenage years riding motocross cycles and pushing it to the limit as you did with everything flooded my mind.  Mom, your just upset cause you’re a nurse.  Yes Matt,  I’ve scraped body parts off stretchers all results of accidents on bikes.  How about I lend you some money and you buy something safe.  Something that won’t kill me before it kills you.  Matt, haven’t you given me enough to worry about, now things are just calming down and you do this.  You wrap me in your famous hug, no worries Mom, I got this.

The accident happened shortly after you left my house.  Please Matt, be safe.  I can’t take much more.  You put your helmet on, I remember thanking God you even had one, hopped on the seat and took off, smiling and waving as you left.  That amazing, cocky smile that always melted my heart.  

I felt it, something so wrong I actually started to shake.  The phone ringing in the distance, glancing at the clock you  gone only 20 minutes.  How could this be. Yes I’m Matt’s mom, is he alive? Yes Christiana, tell him I will be there.  I was becoming quite the expert of sobbing while driving.  We arrive together, the ambulance pulling in as I run to meet the medics that came to your rescue.  You were awake, talking, your arm bloodied but you were alive.  Thank you God. 

You are rushed into trauma and I’m left to give the details and fill out forms.  Finally, I get to see for myself that you are ok.  You are cleaned up and comfortable, a little too comfortable for me.  Shit, Matt, did you tell them no narcotics.  You are drifting off to sleep as I grab your chart.  Two Percocet.  I closed my eyes as I heard the demons laugh.  Got ya!!!!!

Ok,  Dam the Hippa law.  I’m not doing this again.  Yes, he is an adult. Yes, he can make his own healthcare decisions.  This young, stupid doctor looking at me like I’m some overbearing pain in the ass.  You stupid shit.  My son is an addict.  I’m the mom/nurse that’s been saving him from himself.  Percocet,  is there no other drug for pain.  Don’t they teach you anything in Medical school.  Narcotics are killers and you just handed a script to an addict.  

We fought all the way home.  Your bike trashed.  No way to escape me.  You are not filling that script.  Mom, my arm is killing me and my back. The pain is horrible.  You’re a nurse.  Do you want me to be in pain.  What kind of mom are you to let me be in pain.   Really!!!!! you’ve got to be kidding.  I’m the kinda mom that detoxed you alone, the mom who paid your bills, cleaned your house, took care of your dogs while you were screaming, puking and getting the poison out of your body.  How can you put that poison back into your body,  what is wrong with you.  You have a problem, you will drag us back into that hell we barely escaped.  

I waited for you to fall asleep.  Still under the spell of the percs given in the hospital.  I looked through your things, remembering our game, you hide I seek.  Crumbled and hidden in your shoe the paper that would be the beginning of the end.  I tore it up, no longer caring what kind of mother you thought I was.   

I went to work thinking I saved us again.  Little did I know the demons were already at work, that script I tore up was a copy you made on my printer.  I was in such a hurry to destroy the devil my eyes failed to see how  far you would go to dance with the demons again.  I was planning on driving you home myself to make sure things were good.  Imagine my surprise when I came home to my dogs and an empty house.  You couldn’t wait to get away to start finding your way back to the euphoria you still craved.  Lisa picked you up not knowing that the future she sought with you would always be surrounded by the chaos that only demons can create.                                                                    

 

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Ray, it’s time to meet Matt.

Matt, time was passing quickly and surprisingly without any drama. I have to admit this new normal was right up my alley. I spent several more weekends, some by surprise some with warning that the mom police was coming. I really wanted this to be us. The us I prayed for all the years we fought your battle. I was finding myself relaxing a little. You were still spending more time at Lisa’s than our place, but now the house looked cared for. No dirty dishes growing mold in the sink, grass cut. I would tend to the flower beds that Natt left behind and remember how the three of us fussed over what plants would look best. God, I missed the three of us, everywhere I looked I saw Natt. I felt myself grieving for the girl I wanted so badly to be your wife, to give me those little babes that would be the most beautiful children with your eyes and Natts face, but as they say life goes on and now there was Lisa. There were times when I knew you saw my thoughts as we could still read each other’s mind. I saw that same grief pass your face then that smirk would appear, it’s ok Mom, I’m the one who screwed up. I miss her too.
I was spending equal time between our house and Lisa’s, knowing that I had to try for you. Still watching the two of you from afar and still no warm and fuzzies for me. But you know me Matt, whatever made you happy made me happy so I continued to play the part of the mom you needed me to be, you know the one who supported you in all things, even those I didn’t agree with. I was allowing myself to foolishly forget that you were an addict. Always checking for the obvious signs, the dead give away that your demons found you again. I remember thinking that this was too good to be true. I’d educated myself enough to know addiction just didn’t go away like the common cold, but this new found peace was just what my weary soul craved. Maybe, just maybe we were the one in a million, you know the people you read about that just get straight and stay there. Please God, let that be us. Finally just a mom and her son enjoying life by the sea as it should be.
I would leave you and pray that our good fortune would continue. Me going back to the rat race of my life and you staying by the sea. I would tell Ray about you now with a little more confidence. How you were living my dream. Living by the sea, doing what you loved, relaxing in the sun, no worries about your future. You lived for today, and as much as that would drive me crazy I had to admire you. I was the type A, I worried about the bills, the house, the job. You worried about nothing. I never realized just how smart you were, worrying is such a waste of time. Looking back, I wonder if you knew your demons would win and take you away.
Finally the day came. I felt secure enough with the way things seemed to be going to bring Ray with me to meet you. Ray, like us loved the beach. We came during the week, knowing you were at work gave me a sense that this meeting would go well. Praying that even you knew how much you would risk showing up for work using. I wasn’t quite convinced that we were out of the woods, so weekend visits were reserved only for me. Ray and I spent the day on the beach. Soaking up the sun and playing in the sea. I really loved this man and needed this meeting to go well. Any man sharing my life needed to know I was a mom first and my kids were a priority, especially you, Matt. We had a relationship, an unbreakable bond thanks to your demons and the dirty little secret we shared.
We met after your work day ended. I was relaxed after a day in the son. I kept trying not to let the fear creep into my mind. I needed you to do this for me. Just once, I needed something from you and I hoped you would somehow sense how much this meant to me.
Please Matt, be the guy I loved. The guy who was friendly, let your smile and humor shine through. Leave the demons in their place and be my Matt.
We were in Ray’s car waiting for you. I remember thinking this was a good thing. You would not recognize this car. I would have time to do my checks without you even being aware. Your black pickup pulled into the parking lot. OK, now my heart starts to race. Oh God, this is it. Please just once give me a break. You step out, my eyes follow you. Gait steady. check. you walk to the deck of the restaurant. Your face looks great. Tan and carrying a smile. You light up a smoke, I think dam, still have that nasty habit, then a slap hits my brain. Hey, if that’s the worst, no sweat.
Ray and I get out of his car. Me, still focused on you. You see us coming, smile and start coming toward us. My eyes catch yours, those beautiful eyes are clear! Looking good. Speech clear. Thank you God. You wrap me in your hug. My body relaxes. I got this Mom. Matt this is Ray, Ray this is Matt.
Oh Matt, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. We are together and you are really here. Smiling and engaging in conversation. You are present. My God, is this what it feels like to be normal. To anyone observing us, we look like the perfect family. Parents and their son having dinner. No demons present tonight to rob you of who you are. No catching you as you slump over in your seat then laugh cause you think your behavior is just so dam funny. Oh Matt, what a gift you have given my heart tonight. My beautiful son as he should be. Oh God, please keep us in this safe place. We deserve this normal. No demons sucking the life out of our happiness, normal is something we didn’t have a lot of and I prayed it would hang on to us and never let us go. Little did I know the demons were hovering, laughing and letting me have my moment of sweet joy.

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So The Game Goes On

Matt,  I tried to put your addiction out of my mind for a little while and just give myself a chance to breathe.  I finally had someone else in my life to think about and I really wanted to not be so consumed with saving you.  We continued to play our phone games, me still trying to catch you as you fell and you doing your best to be the son I needed you to be.  Things seemed to be going ok with Lisa and I tried to forget the disorder of your home when I did my last sneak and search.  I tried to remember that you were no Martha Stewart and could be a bit of a slob.  Memories of you living at home started to give me a false comfort whenever I thought about our spats about you picking up after yourself.   I was amazed at how easy it was becoming to be a somewhat normal person, my thought not consumed by your demons.

Life was becoming what it was supposed to be.  Now I was starting to have a new focus, Me.  Your addiction was also mine and I was so tired of the fight.  Having a little normal was just the break I needed.  Ray was giving me just what my weary heart needed.  Joy, fun, something else to think about besides our dirty little secret.  Some days I actually amazed myself.  I didn’t think about your problems at all.  Then, of course the Mom stuff would creep in and the guilt would come.  How can I expect to have a normal life, to have fun when I knew deep down that your demons were not far behind.  

As Ray and I grew in our relationship, we started to share more and more about ourselves.  Funny to find out we grew up 5 minutes from each other and hung out with the same group of friends, somehow our paths never crossing.  He had two daughters.  Mel was 12 and Erin 15.  I told him about you and Mike, how you lived at the beach and Mike being married with a beautiful daughter Madison.  I tried to keep it light when I told him about you, your business, the boat and our precious house by the sea.  Knowing that if we continued on this path the time would come to meet.  I prayed that if and when our secret came out he would be the kind of guy to understand that I was not one to stand by and let my son destroy himself. 

Time went by, you and Lisa, me and Ray all wrapped up in the living of life the way the way it was supposed to be.  You and I were finally stretching that cord just a little further.  Ray’s job required some travel, so off he went to Florida and I on a wim called and invited myself down to the sea.

You were caught off guard but recovered quickly.  Sure Mom come on down.  I miss you.  You can stay with us at Lisa’s.   Bing, bing, bing, warning bells going off in my brain.  No Matt,  I’m not comfortable enough to spend lots of time at Lisa’s.  I’ll stay at our place.  I could feel your hesitation through the phone, your wheels turning, shit, how do I get out of this one.  Keep giving me excuses and I’d know for sure.  Ok Mom,  what time are you coming.  Well, you know me Matt,  I’ll show up when I show up.  I’m not giving you a heads up so you can clean up whatever mess you were hiding.  No way,  what time do you finish working.  Five, great said my sneaky little mind.  I’ll be there by three.  Ok Matt, see you about six!

Flashbacks flooding my mind from the last time I used my key to sneak in and do my drug sweep.  This time feeling a little less guilty, after all you knew I was coming.  Well what difference does it make if I just happen to show up a little early.  Trying to stop all the clatter in my mind during the drive down, I started to pray.  Please God, let him be ok this time.  I don’t know how much more I can take fighting the demons that seem to follow him everywhere.  Calm my mind, settle my heart and give me the strength and compassion to face whatever it was that I knew was coming.  Life had been too good for too long.  I could feel it in the air.  Call it my trained mother of an addict instinct but my gut was telling me to get ready as the storm was churning and waiting for the right time to sweep us out to sea.

Well Matt,  your smarter than I thought.  You won this round.  I pull onto your street and see your jeep.  Damn,  you beat me.  You walk out with an enormous trash bag and a smile that let me know that you had become expert at our game, you hide I seek.   Hey Mom, you’re early.  The place was a little messy.  I spend a lot of time at Lisa’s so this place get neglected some times.  It’s all cleaned up now.  I didn’t want you coming here thinking you had to clean up for me.   Ok Matt,  now I know you are playing the part to perfection.  The addict in denial.  Ok, Matt.  I’ll play your game and do the dance as we pretend that things are the way they should be.  You pretending, hiding and denying, me on the hunt, waiting and watching for the next ripple leading to the breaking of the dam we built so well. 

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Ladies and Gentlemen, We Have a Winner

Well Matt, I left your house empty handed and heavy hearted and headed to the beach.  I walked for miles, feeling so defeated. my mind full of what if’s and why’s.  What could I have done differently to have stopped your addiction before it started.  You see Matt, as your mother I had this foolish notion that I was powerful enough to cure you.  That all I had to do was continue to tell you how to live.  Work hard, pay your bills, enjoy life by the sea, stay straight.   Oh Matt, looking back I now realize how unrealistic my expectations were for you.  The demons that continued to seep into your being were more powerful than a mothers love.  Somehow deep down I knew we would begin the battle again.  I only hoped you would let me back in.   We met for dinner at a place near the beach.  You told me you would like to treat me to dinner as a pay back for all the things I’ve done for you.  I knew you too well, this was no pay back, this was keeping me away from knowing that something was amiss in your world.  So we played the game.  A son and his mother enjoying each others company.  We talked about everything else as the elephant grew larger with each sentence.  I wanted so badly to confront you with what I’d discovered earlier.  To point blank ask the question that would send our lives spiriling once again out of control.  Instead, I bit my tongue.  Smiling at your stories of work and Lisa.  I remember feeling like I was in a fog, not really hearing just observing, waiting for a slip up.  I was a marionette nodding and laughing on cue.  I had to keep your secret to myself.  You could never know that I once again over stepped that fine line drawn between a mother and her adult son.  We parted with a hug and a promise to keep in touch.

I drove home with a racing heart and mind.  Knowing that our dance was about to begin again.  Wondering what it would be this time.  Which pills would take you to that place you craved more than life itself.  God, please keep him on the path to health.  Keep him safe.  Find a way into his heart, let him know you and find his peace without pills.  

A week passed, we spoke, you continued to pretend that you were living the life I needed you to live.  You phoned at odd times.  Times when you had to be straight.  The middle of your work day or first thing in the morning.  I didn’t catch on at first, but suddenly it hit me.  You couldn’t afford to slip up and lose your income.  Pills aren’t free.  So now I would call at times convienient for me.  Friday nights and weekends.  The times I thought were the perfect trap and I’d catch you at this game we had both decided to play.  Matt, you should have been an actor. Or maybe you figured my stragety and now we danced around these calls like two strangers trying to fiqure the other out.  Cat and mouse, you and me.  Sad but true.  The calls were not what they should have been, but a trap I was setting and you were fleeing.  

My life was on hold.  I knew that no one could ever understand that my adult son and saving him was the priority of my life.  Yes, I worked and spent time with Mike, Heather and Madison.  I tried not to have my brain constantly consumed by you.  Unfortunately, a mothers instinct doesn’t take a break.  I so needed a break.

Our game continued as the months passed.  I got back into trying to steer my life in a direction not totally consumed by your addiction.  My friends, tired of always hearing the worry in my voice were becoming distant.  You see Matt, mothers don’t ever want to think that addiction can happen to their children.  Hearing about you scared them.  Made them think that their perfect world with their perfect children could turn into the nightmare we were unable to escape.  Not my son, would always be their responce while listening to our story.  Although this angered me, I understood.  Addiction was taboo.  Dirty and nasty.  Something not talked about at functions.  Foolishly they thought if they stayed away our trouble would not rub off on them.

One night, unable to sleep I checked in with Match.  I had stopped dating as there was no one I’d found interesting enough to waste a night off with.  I’d rather rent a chick flick, grab a bottle of red curl up with the dogs and vege.  I had a wink from this guy named Ray.  A wink is when someone reads your profile and is interested in meeting.  Well, I thought what the hell, he couldn’t be any worse than the asses I had already wasted time with, so I winked back.  Next came an email then a phone call.  Holy shit, a normal guy.  I was intrigued.  What really sealed the deal of a date for me was a night laughing with close friends, see Matt,  Joanne and Terry loved us both enough to stick by when all the others left.  We were sitting in Jo’s kitchen pulling up all the guys profiles and laughing our asses off at how stupid they were.  The guys wondering what the hell was so funny joined us in the kitchen.  Ray’s profile  popped up. Rod stopped and said, Hey, that’s Ray.  He’s a great guy.  Go out with him.  He mountain bikes. I know him.  You will be ok.  

Date night.  I was nervous, didn’t know what to expect.  Matt, guys would post pictures of themselves twenty pounds lighter and expect me not to notice or still be married and just looking before making the final break from the wife.  Like I said, asses.  So I wait at Steward’s the pub where we agreed to meet.  Ray is late.  I’m getting pissed.  Ok, asshole, you have about five more minutes before I leave and delete Match from my computer.  Just as I’m turning to leave, in walked this guy.  He looked just like his picture.  He came right over and took my arm.  I’m Ray, let’s get a table.  Incredible.  He was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Conversation flowed.  A drink turned into dinner.  An hour turned into not wanting the night to end.  A connection.  Holy crap, feelings I had long since buried started emerging.  Laughter, joy.  Wow, the most incredible blue eyes staring into mine.  I felt like I was 16 again.  Heart fluttering.  This guy was amazing.  We parted with two kisses and a promise to continue.  I got in my car feeling happy and hopeful.  For once, your darkness didn’t flood my mind.  Was there hope for someone like me to have normal among the chaos that your addiction brought to my life.  Please God.  Let this be real.  I really need someone for me.  Just once, some bright spot in a life consumed with saving a son who didn’t want to be saved.   A lightness that I hadn’t felt in so long flooded my heart as I turned off the light and thought about Ray.

 

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