Matt, The reality of your loss sucks. There really is no pretty way to put it. You are dead. The order of my life has been altered beyond repair. Everything has changed. I have a deep pain that can never be fixed. There is nothing that can be done to make this right. Your death was out of order throwing my life into a place that makes no sense.
I feel like I’m back on that roller coaster. The one we rode together during your active addiction. One day things were great then the very next moment that unexpected sharp turn came out of nowhere throwing us off course and breathless. I’m a mess. Turned inside out. Struggling to get through the next sharp turn.
This month has been brutal. First, flying to Florida to defend your life. I felt like my already broken heart had been drug over shards of glass. Left torn and bleeding in my chest. Being in the place you lived. Walking the beach you walked knowing you were gone hit me with an ugly dose of reality. You really died. You are gone. In that moment you took your last breath I was counting down the days left before I would see you again. All the plans I made, the things we would do. Lunch together. Walking on your beach. Me getting a glimpse into your new life. Gone with your last breath. Like a puff of smoke on a windy day. Here for a moment, then gone forever. That roller coaster once on the upswing, now forever twisting and turning leaving me unprepared for this gut punching grief.
My next event where I felt strapped to that horrible coaster was Beau’s wedding. Your best friend. The man who sat and sobbed in my kitchen after hearing the news of your death. His tears broke my heart. We shared our grief over your incredible loss. I remember hearing his voice. I’m getting married. I want you to be there. Oh God, that punch hitting again. How can I feel joy for this man who deserves so much happiness when I will never hear those words from you.
I remember feeling that familiar throat tightening pulling up to the church. The ride was beginning and I was holding on for dear life. My mind kept telling me that life does go on. This was life and I must participate. I felt the jolt as the coaster started upon entering the church. The first twist was seeing Beau. So handsome as he approached holding out his arms to welcome me. A second jolt as I felt his arms wrap around me. For a brief second my fantasy won and it was you. The hug my heart craves. I closed my eyes hoping to stop the flow of tears. Reality broke through as the car sped up hurling my heart to the ground. You are gone.
I remained strapped in the mixed emotions of joy and grief. The ride to the reception was filled with small talk. What a nice wedding. How handsome Beau was. How he and his beautiful bride only deserved the best in life. You were the elephant in the car. Knowing if I spoke your name my coaster would hurl off the tracks and implode into space. Seeing Beau standing with Mike hurled me into another unexpected curve. That twist took my breath away and left me holding onto my sanity. The missing musketeer. You are gone.
My wedding anniversary. Nine years on the 25th of October. Married to an incredible man. A man who stood by me as your addiction wove its way through our marriage pulling us through the hell you lived. This man who never once gave up on either of us. Your crazy mother who was slowly losing her mind fighting to save her addicted son. Or you the man with the horrible disease. He rode that roller coaster hanging on for dear life as our world was thrust into the unknown of where the ride would finally end.
This man and our day should have been number one on my mind. Instead all I could think of was you. How handsome you looked. Your incredible smile as you took my hand and walked me down the aisle of our tiny church in the woods. I remember your laugh watching the kids on the dance floor. Our picture frozen in time. You walking me into a new life. I stare at us. Both glowing with joy and happiness.
You are gone. We will never walk into a church together again. I will never feel the joy of watching you begin a new life. I will never see you standing next to Mike or Beau as you take a bride. The roller coaster of emotions has become my life. One day I think I will make it. The ride is climbing to a new height. Feeling hopeful that one day this overwhelming pain will start to release its grip on my heart. Just as suddenly an event, memory or smell sends the coaster crashing toward the ground leaving me holding on wondering if I will survive this unpredictable ride.
I’ve always hated roller coasters. But you knew that. You tricked me into getting on one and cracked up telling me how all you could hear from the ground was me screaming. Matt, I’m still screaming. Silent screams as a new day begins without you. I scream everyday as I try to navigate this life. I scream not knowing where the twists and turns will leave me from one day to the next. I scream your name in my mind as I’m whipped around so many unexpected curves continuously slapped with my reality. You are gone…….