Matt, These last two weeks have been tough. It seems my grief resurfaces with the changing of the seasons. Fall has arrived. The leaves are changing and the geese have begun their daily fly over. I stare at the sky and listen to their song thinking of you. I remember how we shared a love for watching their V formation and listening to the honking. We would roll down car windows upon spotting them in the sky and remain silent as their sounds filled the air.
I’ve started fall decorating around the house. Every pumpkin holds a memory. You loved this time of year especially Halloween. Your rubber mask remains on the shelf in your closet just as you left it. There are days I have flash backs of you running into the house, your mask covering your face, your laughter filling the room as the dogs circled you barking with wagging tails.
You loved handing out the candy spooking the kids as you jumped out of bushes with your big bowl of candy. Those memories remain bittersweet as Halloween will be so different this year. The virus has changed the way we do things today. It’s no longer safe to open your door to strangers.
As the weather cools, the need for quilts returns. Two years ago I had a quilt made with 20 of your favorite T Shirts. I remember picking it up and crying all the way home. Your quilt has been tucked away in my closet since it arrived home. On bad days I would bury my face in it’s softness hiding in my closet as the screams were muffled in your clothing. Two days ago I put on my brave face and brought it downstairs. As I laid it over the sofa in the den my tears started to fall. Memories of you sitting there holding Scarlett wearing the exact shirt that was staring back at me from the quilt hit hard.
There are so many things I need to share with you. So many things happening in my life. So many things I need you to be a part of. So many days I struggle to remember your voice. I wanted to call you to let you know my first CT scan was good after finishing cancer treatment. Your number remains in my phone contacts and so many days I fight the urge to call not knowing who or if anyone would answer.
I know the seasons will continue to change. The world around me continues to move on. I struggle to stay in the present. To find a bit of happiness when those memories hit. To be grateful I had you for 37 years. Navigating through life reminds me of being in your boat. Being caught off guard as an un predicted storm caught us unprepared or our unexpected joy as family of dolphins put on a show for us. So many emotions continue after all these years. The most important lessons your death has taught me is never take tomorrow for granted and love never ends……….