Matt, it’s been 32 months and 27 days since you left my life. Today I’m sitting on a plane heading into my nightmare. My grief hitched a ride on my chest weighing me down knowing that my trip has nothing to do with joy. This trip is to defend your life. To sit in a room with men who believe it was fine to dump you at a hotel in a compromised state letting you die alone.
My soul is shaking as we fly closer to the reality that you won’t be picking me up as I land. There will be no happy reunion between you and me. No seeing your handsome face or hearing your voice. No bear hugs while I sink into your arms feeling the warmth of your love wrap itself around my heart.
I am landing in enemy territory. I am trying to keep my warrior mask intact but as we get closer I can feel the cracks forming as my fear of facing how you died smacks me like a brutal whip. Grief and guilt have settled into my soul once again. The what ifs and I should haves are dancing in my battered brain. Taunting me with what should have been and what truly is our reality.
I stare out the window into the clouds looking for you. Looking for Jesus. Searching for a sign on how I will survive this part of our journey. I dreamed of returning to Florida. I dreamed of visiting your new life. Seeing you in recovery living life to the fullest. I dreamed of walking on the beach side by side as we have so many times in the past. I dreamed of what your future would hold as a husband and then a father.
These dreams now something that will never see reality. Scattered like the ashes after a fatal fire in a fast moving wind. I chase after the torn fragments of our life and hold them close to my heart.
Those dreams of what should have been will fuel my fight for justice. I am here breathing where you took your last breath. I am here letting my grief wash over me. I am here gathering the strength to stand up to those who wronged us both. I am here to defend my precious son. I am here to tell the world your life was worth saving. I’m here to let the world know I will never be silenced 💔💔💔