Matt, You really did it this time. You had the balls to have your pill boy knock on my door. What were you thinking, or not thinking I should say. I still remember the shocked look spreading across his face as my punches kept coming. I’ve never felt so out of control in my life. Beating the person who brings you poison. God, what a release. It felt so good to punch and kick your demons. Show him who’s boss, who’s in charge. He’s the next best thing to punching the crap out of you. That’s what I really want to do. To duke it out with your demons. An exorcism, like in the movies. I want to wave a cross in your face. Keep you tied up and safe. I want you to stop destroying your life and dragging me down that black hole. Dear God, I can only hope no one saw my craziness. Your addiction is turning me into someone I don’t recognize. Never would I ever picture myself being the out of control mother that would be capable of physical violence. Me, the nurse. The care giver turned into a cussing, fist flying defender of you. Oh Dear God what is happening to our lives.
Ok, so now how do we get past this? How do we act like this never happened? You are pissed. Not talking. Punishing me with your silence. I tell you I did it to save you. That one day we will look back on this and laugh. One day when you are in recovery we will have a rip roaring belly laugh until tears flow and hugs are shared. Forgiveness flowing from our hearts. Me, forgiving you for the years of ugly chaos and you, forgiving me for pill destroying and running interference. My dream of peace gets me through the next weeks of your healing.
You’re getting stronger and meaner every day. You remind me of that caged tiger. Pacing from one end of his cage to the other. Our home has become your cage, your prison. I foolishly try to reason with you. To get you to see my side. I feel like I’m selling my soul to the devil. I try to set boundaries. To live here you must follow rules. No pill deliveries. No abusing. You look at me with a piercing stare. Your beautiful eyes, now cold. Shark eyes, looking past my face into my soul. I feel like I’ve been assaulted. I look away. A coldness settles in my soul.
I’m so worried about saving you that I forget about me. I have a professional license. All I need is for the cops to get wind of your activities and follow your supplier to my front door. Those pills he tried to deliver where much stronger than those prescribed. Your choice’s have once again threatened my sanity. Now you’ve put my career in jeopardy. The possibility of losing my nursing license is just too much to chance. I tell you we must talk. You sit and at least look at me. I feel like I’m begging for my life. “Matt, if you stay there can be no more buying drugs”. I hold my breath and wait. You get up. “No problem, I’m going back to my friends”. Just like that you pack. I’m holding back my tears. “Matt, please stop”. I love you and want you to get well, please”. I reach out for your arm. You look back and tell me, “I’m not your little boy, I’m not being told what to do by my mommy”. Your words are like a slap. I watch you walk out the door. What’s left of my heart breaks again. I close the door watching you pull away. The pain of all these years hit. I sit in the dark, alone with my memories. My little boy. My Matt. My tow headed shadow. People would joke. The doctor forgot to cut your cord they would say as you followed me every where. What the hell happened to that boy. Where did he go. I listen and hear the laughter of your demons..
So now my sleepless nights return. At least having you here allowed me to sleep. Knowing you were under my roof and supposedly my control. How stupid to think I controlled anything. Now I lay in fear. Fear of that phone call. Fear of the police knocking on my door. Fear gripping my heart as darkness settled. My mind spinning with all the what if scenario’s dancing in my brain. Why wasn’t there an off switch. At least I could turn off for a few hours, but no, night after night your demons dance in my head.
You’ve been gone for two weeks. It’s 2am I’m fighting the urge to just get up. Stop the madness, knowing sleep will not come. The headlights pierce the darkness of our bedroom. My heart is in my throat. Oh God, my brain is getting ready. This is it. I leap out of bed jumping over Ray and run to the window. You are in the driveway. Stoned and screaming. I fly downstairs and out the door. You are waving a bottle. I try to grab you. Once again we are struggling for your survival. I am on your back. You have taken so many pills. You tell me you want to die. You can live like this no more. Now, I’m screaming. I don’t give a damn if the neighbors hear. I’m sticking my fingers in your throat. Puke Matt. Just puke. You are gagging as I see pills hitting the driveway. More headlights. Mike jumps out of his truck. Oh God, how? “Matts friend called, said Matt was threatening to end it tonight”. Mike takes over restraining you. His medical training kicks in and his fingers replace mine.
I run into a startled Ray. I’m screaming and violently shaking. He doesn’t understand my craziness. Seeing you and Mike struggling in the driveway he runs outside. So now at 2am your demons are making your family crazy. We are battling for your life. Mike and Ray finally calming you down while I’m calling for medical backup. Calling all angels, my friend at Rockford. I’m babbling. “Help, help, help,” She knows about your demons, she understands the distress call without any explanation. “Get him here, I’ll call ahead and meet you”.
I run back outside. Neighbors lights are on and doors open. I want to scream to leave us alone. To scream into the darkness of night until I can scream no more. We are struggling to get you into Mike’s truck. You give up fighting and settle in. I buckle you in and have a flashback of you sitting in your carseat and fighting being restrained and safe. Have you always been this way? Never wanting to be safe. Fighting my attempts to restrain you. I look into your eyes. My tears falling onto your hands. “Matt, we love you, we will take care of this, get you to safety”. You look at me as a tear runs down your face. “Mom, let go of him”, I hear Mike’s voice as his engine roars to life. “Let go, shut the door”. “Mom, I’ve got him, let go”. You are no longer my babe sitting in a carseat. You are a grown man fighting for your life, fighting those who love you, fighting demons that have been unbeatable. I stand in the driveway as Mike backs away. Sobs wracking my body. My two boys, now men. I catch a last glimpse of your faces. Matt, your eyes are closed. Mike, forever the big brother. Determined to get you to safety. Let go. How does a mother let go? Matt you are me and I am you. I stand alone in the darkness. Numb to the cold November night. I look to the sky. The night is clear, the sky full of stars. Dear God, do you see what is happening? Do you even care? My son, on his way to a mental hospital. Did you see him taking those pills? Where are you? I feel alone and abandoned. I sit in the dark and google Rockford. And so it begins. Another ride on the roller coaster of addiction. Chaos and craziness have become a way of life. Hey Rockford, do you have a bed for me? This addict’s mom wants to be admitted. Taken away. No visitors. No idea of what is happening in her world. I want to be sedated. I want Lala land. I want to disappear into the sunset. I want to be Alice. I want my rabbit hole to be an endless ride through Wonderland. I want to be The Mad Hatter. To just be crazy or maybe The Queen of Hearts chopping off the head of whoever pisses me off. I want to be anyone but me, the mother of an addict……..