A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Opiates (Page 3 of 7)

Heaven’s A Little Closer In A House By The Sea

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Matt,  I knew I had to trust you to do the right thing.  I had to believe you would do everything you could to find a new job and pull your weight not only with the bills but in taking care of the house.   I kept telling myself to relax and just give it time, but that nagging little voice wouldn’t let me be.   I called every few days and was getting the feeling that I was annoying you with the same questions.   Oh well, maybe it was my turn to annoy you.  Maybe it was my turn to push and push and push until you finally did what you promised to do.  Every call was answered the same way.  Yes Mom, I looked for a job today.  Yes Mom, I called about that.  Yes Mom, I paid those bills.  Blah Blah Blah.  I felt like I was reliving groundhog day all over again.

I tried to just act normal.  Working and spending time with Ray, but my mind was always drifting back to you.  Unemployment was barely giving you enough to live on and pay a few bills.  I knew the dam was going to break but had no clue that it was about to explode.

I received the call on my lunch break.  A number I didn’t recognize.  I held my breath as I answered hoping it had nothing to do with you.   Seriously,  are you kidding.  A new bank taking over our mortgage isn’t real happy with the arrangement made to keep us afloat.  The my son’ sick and lost his job card wasn’t getting any sympathy from this new gatekeeper.   Holy shit, really you want what, payment in full in 30 days to prevent foreclosure.  No amount of begging or bargaining was having any effect on this new I don’t give a shit about your problems manager who was making me feel like the biggest loser in the world.  I hung up and tried to not let the sobs escape my throat.  This was too much, the straw that broke my back.  I find a private corner and call you.  Matt we are in trouble.  I barely give you time to speak before I start to realize your speech is slurred and those hateful words, Hey Mama float out of your mouth.  My throat is closing, my heart is racing, I want to puke.  I hang up knowing that nothing I say will penetrate your brain.  You are in your favorite place.  Euphoria surrounds you as the demons take you away from reality.

I finish my shift, fly home, change.  Ray, once again is away on business preventing me from making up a lie.  Keeping our dirty little secret was hard enough, I didn’t want to start new lies.  Your addiction was turning me into just that, a liar.  Making up so many stories to cover for you that soon I feared I would forget who I told what and be caught.

Driving down in the dark allowed me to openly sob without drawing attention to myself.  I was sobbing and talking to myself feeling that familiar hopelessness wash over me like the tide I loved to watch.  How could you let me down, how could you continue to destroy everything you said you loved.  We sold everything we could spare to keep our little piece of heaven.  Now we were on the brink of losing my happy place and my heart couldn’t take the pain.

I pull up to the dark house.  Your car is there. I hear the barking.  My heart is racing,  I’m physically sick.  I puke in your trash.  Great, let’s hope the neighbors didn’t catch that performance.   I let myself in and hit the light.  You are there.  The light hits your face and I see the demons.  Hey Mama.  I grab you and start punching and sobbing and punching.  You are not fazed.  You laugh and brush me off like a bug.  I come back at you now screaming.  You prick, you coward, how could you do this to me.  I’ve loved you and helped you.  Paid your bills and given you the perfect place to live.  You repay me by spitting in my face and destroying everything I love.  I hate you.

I’m out of control.  Pulling cushion off the couches.  Dragging your mattress off your bed.  Tearing the place apart looking for your demons.  You sit watching with your glassy eyes, quiet knowing that if you speak I will attack.  I feel the bottle in your shoes.  The amber beauty you love so much.  Empty.  You SOB.  I come at you shoving the bottle in your face.  You laugh.  Your eyes looking at me but not seeing.  Your skin pale and clammy.  Your speech slow and slurred.  I slap your face, you react.  Now I’m in nurse mode.  I’m pushing you into the shower fully clothed soaking you with cold water.  Snap, you are back and pissed.  Punching and spitting and calling me names that break my heart.  We struggle, you slip past me and run into the wall.  You are bleeding, the dogs are on you protecting me.   My God, who have we become.  I don’t know these people.  I’m shaking and soaked and ashamed.  What have we done to each other.  Your demons making me ugly and hateful.  You push yourself up and slam the door to your room.  I hear the shower.  I sit holding myself as the dogs come to comfort me.

I am shocked at how I acted.  I’m the adult here, the fixer.  I fixed this alright.  The rage I felt scared me to my core.  This is not who I am.  I love you and I could have easily killed you and left you behind.  I feel like I’ve lost my mind.  You are sick and I am sick.. Your addiction is slowly killing both of us.

You approach me like a scared little boy.  It’s ok Matt, the crazy lady is gone.  We sit and let the silence hug us like a warm blanket.   You reach for my hand and I put my head on your shoulder.   Matt, we can’t do this anymore.   We can’t be these hateful, ugly people.  I don’t want this to be us.   I don’t know what to do to fix this.  I am lost and broken.   Matt, our house by the sea must go.  I’m sorry Mom.  Please don’t hate me.  Matt, I could never hate you.  We sit together.  I can’t look at you.  My tears are falling and I don’t even try to hide the fact that the wetness dripping onto your hand is coming from my broken heart.    Addiction destroys everything until there is nothing left to destroy………

Truth and Lies

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Matt, I lay on the couch all night willing my mind to be quiet.  To stop replaying the scenes over and over again.  Its always the same.  You using, me finding and fixing.  I just didn’t get how you could keep slipping back into the grip of the demons.  I remembered the week of detox.  Sitting on this very couch trying to calm your tremors, blankets off and on as your body rebelled against not getting what it now required to live.  The vomiting until there was nothing left, screaming and ripping the skin off your arms as you fought the imaginary bugs crawling over your body.  My wound, now healed but leaving a scar as a reminder of your anger.   I could not imagine wanting to go through that again.  I did not want to watch you go through it again but had the sinking feeling I would.  I felt so defeated.  I didn’t even have the energy to move.  My eyes still swollen from my night of crying greeted me in the mirror.  You look just great I thought.  The toll of your addiction showing on my face.  My body stiff from staying curled up, like I was trying to return to that fetal position where nothing could hurt me.  God Matt, how this hurt me.  Knowing that all this time you were just letting me believe you were clean.  I was so blinded by my own need for us to be normal that I felt this betrayal like a hard slap in the face.

The dogs raise their heads, listening.  I pray it is not you.  I am in no mood for you.  I make coffee, God, how I needed  that.  I grab the leashes and head to the sea.  I disguise myself in your hoodie. I’m in shut down mode and want no conversation with anyone except God.

Ok God,  It’s me again.  Yeah, you know Matt’s mom.  I just gonna put it out there.  What the hell is going on. Why do you keep letting this happen to us.  Why can’t you just answer my prayers and fix Matt.  You teach us that you can do anything so why not this.  Just put your hand on Matt and heal him from this horror that has become our life.  You who created the sea I love, please help now.  I’m so beat, so broken.  I need help.  I’m so lost in my thoughts I don’t see the dogs as they take off after a figure I know too well.  Even from the  distance I can identify your walk.  I tell God, ok you need to hold my tongue cause I’m ready to shoot some ugly out of my mouth.

The dogs reach me first as if to say take it easy on him Mom, he’s sorry.  Yeah, he’s always sorry.  He’s only sorry cause he got caught.  Ok Matt, I suggest that if you can’t tell the truth you keep your mouth shut.  I’m this close to punching you square in the face, and you know what I might like it and not be able to stop!  You look at me with that dam grin, you know the grin that always melts my heart.  You start to laugh.  Mom, I’d bet you’d do it too. I start to laugh as the image of 125lbs of me beating up on 230lbs of you forms in my brain.  Somehow we both end up hysterical at the very thought.  I guess the laughter was a release for me as I felt the anger I carried to the beach wash away with the tide.  Matt, you always got to me.  You my beautiful man with such a horrible, insidious disease.

We sit.  Ok Matt, it’s truth or dare time.  I will only accept the truth.  I really don’t care how ugly or hurtful I need you to tell me the truth.  I can’t stand a liar and after everything we have been through together you owe me the truth.  Geez Matt, I’ve seen you naked vomiting your guts out, you’ve puked on and punched at me so really how bad can telling the truth be.   You look away as if concocting a story.  I grab your arm to bring you back.  Matt, the truth.

I sit and will both my face and my tongue to not reveal or say what I’m thinking as you finally pour out your guts.  I watch the waves hit the shore and take little bits of sand back to the sea.  I feel like this is my life.  Your addiction keeps pounding at my heart and soul breaking little pieces off and washing me away.  Oh God, I asked for the truth now I’m sitting here listening and trying to make a plan to fix it again.  I will never learn.

So once again, I have my fix it plan.  I drag you to Charlie’s.  We talk.  He will not take you back but will let you collect unemployment until you can find work.  Thank you God,  He tells me how many chances he gave and how many times despite his warnings you showed up unable to function.  I thank him for caring enough.  He hugs us both as we leave and wishes us both luck.  Ok Matt.  Now you will not take advantage, you will find work. Right Matt, sure Mom.  Oh God,  why did I just get a very sick feeling in my gut.  Stop, stop I tell myself.  It will be ok.  He will get work and find a meeting for help and support.  Right Matt.  Right Mom.  You will pay your bills.  Right Matt. Right Mom.  You will stay straight. Right Matt.  Right Mom.

We walk back to the house.  We sit and open the neglected pile of bills.  I set up a payment schedule.  I balance your checkbook  Holy Shit, I take your debit card and cut it up.  Now you are getting ticked.  I shoot you my look and you calm down.  Ok Matt.  Here’s the deal.  I help with the mortgage.  Thank God, the lender still thinks you’re sick.  Yes, I know but I have to play that card until the mortgage is caught up.  Yes, I feel guilty but what else can I do.  I write everything down.  I’m thinking really, you are a grown man and I’m treating you like a teenager and you are letting me.  I try to keep the enabler thought out of my mind.  Helping or guiding fits what I’m doing better.  Yup, not enabling.  Guiding you in bill paying and helping you get on your feet so I can stay on mine.  Ok Matt.  Everything is set up.  You understand how important it is.  I can’t lose this place.  I love this place.  You understand, right Matt.  Right Mom.

Driving home I couldn’t shake the feeling of doom.  I kept remembering how you looked.  Your beautiful lying eyes.  Right mom, slipping out of your mouth like honey from a pot.  Honey in all it’s sweetness,  just what I needed to hear.  Right Matt. Right Mom……

A Calm Before the Storm

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Matt, I must say I was pleasantly surprised.  You really kept your promise.  No drama, no chaos at least none that reached me.  Life was good as Ray and I got into the rhythm of married life.  I was finally back at work busy every day saving those babies.  My life found a rhythm again, a calm that I hadn’t felt in a long time started to settle in my brain.  So this is normal I would think out loud as a smile would find my face  and a lightness found my step.  Everyone noticed.  I felt so blessed.  Finally I was able to just concentrate on my life without the constant stress and worry about you.  I would remind myself that you were a grown man living your life and this was how it should have been all along.

Being back at work and having the ability to pick up extra shifts allowed me to get the mortgage caught up on our house by the sea. I felt so accomplished and once again felt that I was in control of how life was supposed to be.  God, I just didn’t learn that lesson.  So foolishly I continued down the road of denial believing that your addiction had left the building and we were home free.  I no longer worried about our dirty little secret and started to act like we had returned from a very bad place but were safe now.

Weeks turned into months.  We spoke nearly everyday.  You and Lisa seemed to be finding your own rhythm as you spoke of a more permanent future together.  Even though I still felt she was not your match I kept my opinion to myself as my only concern was for you to be happy and stay clean.  Whoever you loved I loved thats just the way it was.

Ray  had to travel for work so I took those days off and planned a trip to see for myself just how things really were in your life.  I had to admit I missed you.  I wasn’t used to you not needing me like you did in the past and was feeling kinda left out of your life.  I kept reminding myself that this is how a normal relationship was between a mother and her adult son, but you and I never had normal so I was having a difficult time adjusting.  Driving down I tried to keep my spirits up.  Tried to keep that anxiety at bay.  After all, you said you were fine and you sounded fine, so why in the heck was my body starting to react like the old days.  The throat tightening, the worry about what I would find, all the normal feeling I had in the past came rushing to my brain.  Oh God, what if I’m wrong and he’s lying, what if, what if.  Stop, for God sake stop, shouted my brain.  WTH is wrong with you.  Do you always have to think the worst.  Maybe, just maybe he is telling the truth and you will have the happily ever after you have been praying for.  For God sake take a break.  So once again it was me, myself, and I all battling back and forth reliving every horrible moment of your addiction.  I just could not get my brain to shut up.  So here I am, once again talking to myself in my car on the way to the beach just like the old days.  Groundhog day, yup just like Groundhog day.  Really Matt, I think my whole being knew that this was just a break in the storm and my body and mind were getting ready for battle.

I arrive.  The house is quiet, the dogs are gone.  I use my key and let myself in.  I long ago lost the feeling of guilt about coming in unannounced.  I was paying most of the mortgage and felt like I had every right to just let myself in.  It was getting dark so I walked around turning on lights.  I figured the neighbors would see my car and know everything was ok.  It was obvious you didn’t spend much time home.  I could have written you a note in the dust.  Matt, you weren’t raised to be a slob but this was crazy.  At least the sink wasn’t full of dirty dishes.  I opened the fridge and was greeted by the greenest food I’d seen since my college days.  Ok, so this was proof that you were spending most of your time at Lisa’s.  So that’s a good thing right, my brain is thinking.  After I grab a trash bag and clean your fridge, the old mom police starts to resurface.  I Try to tell myself not to do this, but I knew my brain would not relax until I did.  So just like the old days I went snooping.  All the time telling myself I was doing it for your own good.  I lifted your mattress. Looked in all your favorite nooks and crannies.  I kept listening for the sound of your arrival.  Dam, I wish the dogs were here.  They would give me ample time to run to the couch and grab a book, smiling my innocent smile if you came home during my search.  I really didn’t know what I would do if I found  anything.  Probably have a break down but that still didn’t stop me from snooping.  Nothing, absolutely nothing.  Do I really believe that this horror story has come to an end or have you just gotten smarter.

So now I see a big pile of mail.  Stay away, don’t look my mind is spinning like a top.  He’s a grown man.  He’s handling it.  I can feel the guilt running off me like syrup as I grab the pile and scan the addresses.  Electric bill, water bill, credit card bills all thrown casually in a pile like they were junk mail.  Slowly I open one figuring you wouldn’t notice a torn envelope in this mess.  Now my heart starts to sink.  Overdue, not by a month but months.  That familiar feeling of suffocating has found me.  I leave the pile and walk outside. I need to feel the sea air.  I need to breathe.  Calm down, there has to be a reason.  I start to walk and before I know it I’m a Lisa’s door.  I hear music and laughter.  Too much music and laughter for someone who needs to be at work in the early morning.  The door is unlocked.  I walk in.  You look like hell.  Cigarette hanging from your hand, a joint hanging from her’s.  You see me and look like you’ve been shot.  She jumps up, WTF.  Yup exactly, WTF.  I feel like I’ve been kicked in the chest, I’m trying not to scream, to act like an adult.  I just can’t believe I bought your crap.  Here I am working extra shifts paying not only your mortgage but sending extra payments to get your cards paid off.  Working myself crazy to keep you from stressing over life.  Doing whatever I could to make your life as simple as possible.  I am the best enabler you could have ever asked for.  Someone please tattoo it on my forehead so whenever I look in the mirror I will see just how stupid this addicts mom really is.

I leave out the back door, the dogs wake with the racket of the slam.  They come running as if to say please get us out of here.  You follow, I can’t even look at you.  I am sick, so sick of your selfishness, so sick of being taken for granted.  I’m running as fast as I can with the dogs in tow.  You catch up, we are both breathless, I’m sobbing.  Matt, what are you doing.  You are with another addict.  Why are you doing this again.  How many times will it take before you get it.  Mom, I lost my job.  I felt my heart crack, just a little.  You what.  You heard me I lost my job.  You were so happy I didn’t want to burst your bubble.  I’ll figure it out.  I took a pill and came to work.  Charlie let me go.  Oh God Matt.  One pill or many pills.  You’re a mechanic for God sakes.  You can’t work on cars when you’re stoned.  WTH is wrong with you.  What were you thinking.  Now everything is screwed.  I can’t keep paying your bills and your mortgage. How can I explain this to Ray.   Oh God, I should have know this was too good to be true.  Addiction never leaves the building just hides in the shadows waiting and watching until it latches on again sinking it’s hooks into your soul.  Matt, I can’t do this now.  I’m sick of this life, this lie we live.  All I ever wanted was normal.  I leave you in the dark.  The dogs follow me and we don’t look back.  My heart once so happy now starting to break.  I know the path this will lead to.  I’ve walked it too many times.  The demons will not let go.  Our dirty little secret will surface.  This lie will continue to haunt us, to shatter us into a million pieces.  I curl up in the dark, the dogs lie at my feet.  I stay like this for hours.  I keep telling myself that you have a disease, that you are sick, that I can get you through it again, that I can fix it just once more.  I try to tell myself it will be ok.  But all I want to do is scream………

 

A Tease of Normal

 

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Matt,  I’m still shaking after hanging up.  I can’t believe I was begging for my life.  How did we get to this ugly place.   There is no way I’m going to accept this as our last conversation before I make one of the biggest decisions of my life.  I have to see your face.  I have to look into your eyes and know that you understand that this is no joke.   Lucky for me Ray is traveling on business and will be out of town for a week.  With no job to worry about I can make a quick trip between PT appointments.  I plan my strategy  before heading to the beach.  I go back and forth trying to decide if I call and give you a heads up or just show up like I used to  when I was the Mom police.  I’ve been trying to play the cool Mom, but after finding out that our little piece of heaven in now in jeopardy  I’m not quite sure which Mom I need to be.

Ray leaves for the airport and I grab my bag telling myself that everything will be just fine.  It’s feels like it’s been forever since I made this trip alone.  Memories of my last visit with your grandmother flood my brain and that familiar sensation of choking begins again.   How did we ever get to this place.  How foolish I was to think that your back surgery was the answer to our prayers.  That once you healed, the pain would magically disappear along with the poison pills.   Never thinking those little white demons would lead you on this path of self destruction dragging me along for this ugly ride.   That poison flowing from you to me like a river that could not be stopped.  How would we ever survive the constant assault on our relationship.  You and I become ugly when we fight about your demons.  Now here I am coming to you to plead my case.  To beg my adult, addict son to please allow his mother a little piece of normal, a little slice of happiness in this oh so ugly, unpredictable world  that your addiction has pulled us both into.

As I get closer I feel that familiar tightness starting to strangle my chest.  I roll down the windows to allow the sea air a chance to ease my fear of what I will find when I reach you.  Once again I start talking to myself,  my traveling companions me, myself, and I think about and practice our little speech.  I no longer care what passing cars think when they look over and see me talking to no one.  I just smile and let them pass, thinking how great it would be to be someone else doing something else instead of being me having to face and fix my addict son.

I finally arrive and try to get myself to breathe.  Your truck is in the driveway.  I knock to show you some respect.  I don’t want you to come out fighting about my lack of respecting your privacy by using my key.   I wait and knock again, finally realizing it is quiet.  The dogs aren’t carrying on letting the world know someone has disturbed their quiet day.   Putting my bag back in my car I head for the bay.  I see you in the distance playing with the dogs in the surf.  How handsome you are.  Looking at you from afar my heart feels such joy, such hope that maybe you meant what you said.  Maybe just once you would really try to get clean.  To rid your body of the poison that was killing us both.   I close my eyes and allow myself to remember happier times before the demons found you.  Allow a bit of hope and joy to soothe my anxious soul.  I stop not wanting to disturb you.  I want to remember this moment forever.  To have it burned into my brain.  My son and his dogs playing in the surf.  A moment of normal, a glimpse of happiness in the chaos of our world.  Oh God, please let this be a sign of things to come.  Let me have Matt back.  Let us be that happy, healthy family that my heart so needs us to be.  Please give him the strength to want freedom from the hell that comes at the bottom of his bottle.  I start to walk, the dogs catch my movement and come bounding to me.  Wet sloppy kisses and sandy paws greet me like the old days.  Happy pups spending time with the master they love.  Hey Mom,  I didn’t know you were coming.  You wrap me in that hug and tell me how good it is to finally see me.  You examine my wrist and laugh.  Only you Mom, as that smile once again melts my heart and dissolves  the anger and anxiety I felt thinking about what I might find by the sea.  Oh Matt,  I’ve missed you so much.

We sit and talk about life.  Ray and the wedding.  We laugh as I tell you the reaction I’ve gotten from florists and bakeries when I say yup, you got it, the wedding is in six weeks, yup this September.  We are absolutely cracking up when I tell you that my cake and flowers will be coming from Costco and our reception will be in a tent and catered by Famous Dave’s.  God, it felt so good to be talking about normal life and not your addiction.  Just us laughing like we had no cares in the world.  Like we weren’t hiding our dirty little secret, like we were just a mother and son sharing the funniest of stories.  This shared laughter was just what my broken spirit needed.  Me and you once again just being us, in our favorite place by the sea.  Hey Mom,  I’m walking you down that aisle.  Hey Matt, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We walk to the house, we are both happy and relaxed.  Oh God, how we needed this little piece of normal to get us back on track.  We order dinner and make plans to get your life in order.  The mortgage, your bills all need tending to but for now I bask in how it feels to make plans with my sober son.  For now you are here, a part of this planning to save both of us from further damage.  A mother and her son planning for the future.  My heart so full of joy, ignored the warning my mind was screaming.  Too good to be true.  Be alert, Don’t let your guard down.  You promise me things will be ok, you promise to stay clean.  You tell me you and Lisa are working it out.   Foolishly, I forget I’ve heard those promises before.  I forget that addiction  tricks you into thinking you have control.  Let’s you think you are safe before it rears its ugly head and drags you back into the abyss.  Shattering hopes and dreams and destroying whoever dare stand in its path.   Just this once I allow myself this fantasy of you and me survivors of hell on earth looking forward to a beautiful future.  Please God, please…….

A Ray of Hope

 

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Matt,  Ray just proposed and I accepted.  I should be jumping for joy, on cloud nine, dancing on air.  Instead all I’m thinking about is our dirty little secret.   How can I bring this great guy into my life of chaos.  You aren’t a child, yet I feel such a responsibility for your life.  You always count on me to bail you out, to fix your screw ups and I somehow always do.  How long would Ray find that acceptable.  How would he feel about me working extra shifts to pay your bills.  How long would it take him to figure it all out.  That I am the best enabler a grown man could ever have.  How would he feel about me then.  More importantly how would he feel about you.

I could never let anyone put you down.  I have seen you battle your demons and have fought by your side.  I don’t know what to do.  I really said yes,  holy crap, what was I thinking.  How could I start a marriage with a lie.  You and I have been thick as thieves keeping your addiction from everyone.  My God, your brother Mike  had no clue.  Thankfully he was stationed in Florida a very safe distance from us.  Busy battling the very people you were buying drugs from.  Not one person in our entire family knew anything about your addiction.  How could I think we were gonna continue to hide when Ray would be under the same roof.  I carried the burden of having a son who was an addict alone and didn’t know if I was ready to share.

Oh God Matt, once again your addiction was casting shadows in my life.  This should be a happy time.  I should be making wedding plans not planning a conversation about how to tell the man I love that if he marries me he will be joining the wild ride that comes with the chaos of addiction.  Hold on to your hat Ray, you are signing up for the ride of your life.  The roller coaster that twists and turns then drops you ten feet sucking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you feeling shocked and pissed all at once.  Welcome to my world you lucky, lucky man.

I call, you answer.  Hey Matt we need to talk.  You sound ok,  just quiet.  Mom, I hate that you are stuck paying the mortgage.  I thought I could pick up side jobs and make up the money.  I thought I could,  Matt, save it I say.  You let this go on for months without even thinking about what would happen.  It’s a mortgage not a credit card bill.  A mortgage, like a big people bill that if you don’t pay you get to leave.  Matt, I’m still trying to figure out how to dig us out of this mess that I had no idea was even being created.  You continue to lie and hide what you are doing and now I am selling my stuff and haven’t even been able to come close to catching us up, and guess what.  I lost my job. Yup, you heard right.  I had to get back two weeks ago to have that wonderful place hold my position.  Guess what Matt, we are so screwed.   So this is the new plan.  Those jet skis gone.  Sell them now and every penny goes to catching up this mortgage.  WTH Mom,  I love those things.  I can’t sell them, that’s so not fair.  Ok, now my heart starts racing and I’m getting pissed.  So let me get this right, I’m trying to remain calm as my brain is screaming selfish brat.  It’s perfectly fine that I sell my stuff but you get to keep your precious toys.  Well I’ll be isn’t that just peachy.  Sell them or I sink them.   BS you scream.  Yup that right Matt.  It is BS that I have picked up the pieces of your mess and now when I ask you to be unselfish and help clean up the mess you created you tell me BS.

Now I’m crying and shouting about how selfish you are, how I hate what your addiction has done to my life, those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness flooding my body as I hate this person I become.  I finally stop sobbing and hear, Your Right Mom.  It’s my fault and I will sell them.  Please don’t cry I hate when we fight.  God Matt, you could always wrap me around your finger.  Just sell one I say.  We’ll start with one and see how much we get.  Once again I go into my protect Matt mode.  Don’t stress him out.  You’ll push him straight to the pills.  Oh and Matt,  I think I’m going to marry Ray.  He asked and I said yes.  Hey Mom, that’s great.  He’s a great guy and you deserve a great guy. You sound just a little too happy.  Almost making me think that you think if I get married  I won’t have time to keep an eye on you and your lifestyle.  That the Mom police will disappear.   Really Matt, you think we can make this work.  He knows nothing about our dirty little secret.  Can I trust you to stay straight.  I need you to be good.  No pills or whatever it is you do when you think I won’t find out.  Please Matt.  I have always been there for you.  Now I need you to do this one thing for me.  I can’t marry him if you’re going to keep screwing up and expecting me to fix it.  Ray deserves better and I won’t bring him into this family if you can’t start to act like a responsible adult.  I really want to be happy Matt.  To have a normal life with the man I love.   Sure Mom, whatever you want.  I’ll do whatever you want.  Matt, somehow those words should have eased my worried mind,  Instead I felt an uneasiness creeping into my bones.  Like a chill warning me to be very careful,  addicts lie my little voice was saying.  They say just what you need to hear pretending to care about you, saying they want you to be happy.  To have a normal life.  To be just one big happy family.  I could almost see the smirk on your face as you said the words I so needed to hear.  Anything for you Mom.  Oh God,  I think I’m going to puke.

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