Matt, today would have been your 41st birthday. I should be on my way to the beach to spend time with you on your special day. We would have headed for the beach, walking the dogs letting them run through the surf while we caught up on life. We would have planned our dinner feast of crabs, shrimp and beer. But today our reality is much different from my dreams for this day. For you are forever 37 and this is your fourth birthday in heaven.
Today I spent the morning letting my grief pour out from my soul. Looking through every album I own with pictures of our life. Beautiful memories flooded my broken heart as I asked myself how this nightmare became our reality.
Pictures of you with that smile and those beautiful eyes staring back at me through all the phases of your life. From infancy through adulthood. Looking so happy and healthy. It is so hard for me to understand this reality. My brain knows you are gone. My heart struggles with this truth.
Today there will be no family party. No cake, no funny card. I will never see you with your brother standing side by side laughing about how your both over the big 4 0.
Comparing how childhood dreams became a reality or remained still a dream.
Losing you is losing a future of love, laughter and future memories. Losing you is never seeing my sons together again. Never hearing your laughter as you tell of childhood antics that were kept secret from mom. Losing you is never meeting the girl who stole your heart. Losing you is never dancing at your wedding. Losing you is never sharing your joy of holding your newborn child for the first time. Losing you has taken its toll on me. Losing you is losing me
Reality is that I will never see you coming through my door with your children in tow. That smile and those eyes forever gone. No mini Matt’s for me to spoil and hug. No babes to be rocked to sleep. No babes to soothe my aching heart. No future generation to share stories of your childhood antics. No more of you.
Your brother will never know the joy of being an uncle. He will never take your son fishing or show your daughter treasures saved from your childhood. He will never know the joy of holding his brothers children in his arms or teaching them to run through the surf with you by his side. He will never watch his younger brother discover the joys and heartbreaks of being a parent. He will never be able to offer advice or share his list of do’s and don’ts of fatherhood. There will be no more children squealing with joy as that new puppy comes running into their arms. No more brothers sharing the secret of what makes a house a home.
How i wish Heaven had visiting hours. I would throw myself into your arms and never let you go. I would tell you how much your loss has changed my life. I would tell you over and over again how much I love you. I would beg you to stay with me forever.
Today I will honor your life. I will let my grief have its way. Today I will let my tears flow no longer fighting or pretending that I am ok. Today I will remember the joy you brought to my life. I will allow myself to feel the profound loss of your death.
Today I will close my eyes and remember your hugs, your voice, your smile. Today I will wrap myself up in you. ❤️