So the weeks go by and I keep hearing the name Lisa. Lisa’s coming over, I’m going to Lisa’s. I tried to think happy thoughts, tried to be glad that you weren’t alone anymore, but that little nagging feeling wouldn’t let go of my heart. I knew the kind of people you gravitated to, and now with Natt gone, I feared your path would lead you right back to where you should never tread again. I started to notice that your calls were becoming less frequent and quick. My ears, now fine tuned for the signs that your demons were knocking on your door took over as I would listen to your words not really hearing what you were saying so much as how you were saying it.
Friends would tell me to relax. You spend so much time worrying about Matt, why don’t you worry about you. Matt’s living his life, you need to live yours.
Ok, so even though I tried to keep you under my radar, I was getting lonely. My frequent trips to our beach house were now interrupted by Lisa’s presence. The flow of our lives was changing again and I had to redirect my compass and find my own way. I kept telling myself that you were now a man and I should loosen the reins and let you grow up and away from me. I didn’t want Lisa to get the wrong impression and most important I didn’t want to embarrass you and cause any discord between us. So I kept the distance you required as you started your life with Lisa.
My friends urged me to start dating. One night, unable to sleep I just decided to just get up. I found myself in front of my computer reading emails when a pop up appeared. Match.com. Well, what the hell, I’ll fill out a profile and pay the $29.95 thirty day fee. This could be interesting, I was definitely not looking for anything serious, but a few free dinners was something I could be up for. So let the fun begin..
Well Matt, I must admit I now had something else to think about. I never knew there were so many assholes in such close proximity, but they all seemed to like my profile and send that stupid wink that I felt guilty for not responding to. As I was living what was becoming Match from hell.com, you were loving life. It appeared that you and Lisa were making it work as I continued to look for the signs that would take us back on the road leading to hell.
Well, finally the call I’d been waiting for. Hey Mom, come on down I want you to meet Lisa. I don’t know what hit when I heard those words, maybe it was my Mom instinct, but those warm, fussy feelings of excitement just weren’t there. I remember rehearsing my lines, like an actress up for the biggest part of her life. Questions swirled in my brain, does she know about your demons, did the relationship mean enough for you to reveal yourself completely to this woman. Oh God Matt, I felt like we needed a dress rehearsal to make this right. The drive down was quicker than I wanted it to be. I remember feeling like a kid on previous trips, are we there yet? In the past I couldn’t wait to get to you, this trip as my mind and heart raced I took my time. Excited to see you again but cautious as to how to approach this girl who you claimed to love. Our dirty little secret safely tucked in my heart.
Pulling up in Lisa’s driveway I remember my sweaty hands letting go of the wheel I had gripped so tightly. Taking a deep breath, ok lights, camera, action. I got out and stepped onto gravel. The house was adorable, outside clean and well landscaped. Dogs barking. Kahlua was bounding through the swinging door, bouncing and jumping at my feet. Her wet kisses so welcome. She looked at me as if she knew. It’s ok, she seemed to say. He’s ok, relax. Then there you were. That smile and those beautiful eyes. You came to me as you always did and wrapped me in your hug. God, it felt so good to see you again. You looked at me straight in the eyes and I knew our secret was still just ours. Ok Matt, I will play your game. I took it as a sign that you were clean and life was free of your demons. Out stepped a girl. I remember my first impression. Tall and very masculine. Nothing like the Natt I had come to love. Alright my brain said, don’t compare, Natt is gone and Lisa is here. Suck it up and be nice.
Sorry Matt, i just couldn’t do it. No matter how bad I wanted it to be, she just wasn’t you. I found myself really having to fake it. I caught myself observing you together, something just didn’t fit. She was just a little too bossy. Where Natt was soft,she was hard. I could feel how hard you were trying, there was nothing natural here. I remember standing in her kitchen with you, you saying “Mom, I did good”. Oh Matt, she did good. You are the sweetest, most loving man I had ever known, but still you were unsure of your worth and Lisa wasn’t the person to lift you up as you needed to stop the call of your demons. I stayed the weekend, but I slept at our house by the sea. Nothing felt right. You there, me alone with Kahlua. I felt such a feeling of dread almost like the day my hand wrapped around the bottle you hid so well. What were you hiding now I thought as I cried myself to sleep.