Matt, I was a whole lot of stupid and a whole lot of smart all rolled up into one out of control mess. So now I had everything I needed in my hot little hands. The names and address of the poison pushers and all I can do is sob. The image of your face, the hate in your eyes is branded in my brain. You love your demons more than the mom who has loved you in all your ugliness. The mom who will do anything to save you. Who will fight you in a public parking lot, who will risk life and limb for her son. Oh God, what got into me. I am a desperate, crazed person. Your addiction has changed me from a rational adult to this desperate nut case. I look at myself in the mirror. I take off the hat and let my hair fall, I stare at my reflection and I don’t recognize the person staring back at me. Your addiction has taken it’s toll. Baggy eyes from tears and lack of sleep. Cheek bones sticking out, pain etched into my once happy face. Eyes that no longer shine, a mouth that has forgotten how to smile. The face of an addicts loving mother, full of pain and grief for something she can’t fix. My heart is broken by the people we have become. Our hugs have become punches, our laughter changed to shouting, pointing ugly fingers and saying ugly things. I hate what we have allowed your demons to do.
Barking dogs bring me back to reality. I see the scripts on my printer. I grab them as I see you coming up the stairs. Matt, I had to do it. Matt, I love you and can’t sit back and allow you to destroy yourself. Matt, let me help you. Matt, I know you have back pain, but you are hooked. Nobody needs this dose and volume of drugs. They don’t care about your life. You are nothing more than an income for them. They are not doctors they are killers. I realize I am screaming. I hear my voice as I am becoming out of control. I’m pleading for your life and you are staring at me with hate in your eyes. I try to regain control, I need to get through to you, to break through the demon built walls and get into your drug damaged brain. I have to reach you. You continue to stare at me with that f**k you gaze. Give me my scripts. Matt, please I will give you a little more than I have been let me keep managing them. I will be better. Give me my scripts. You come closer, the dogs stand between us. They sense what I feel. I am afraid. My brain is screaming. My son, I am afraid. Your eyes are dead, shark eyes. Looking right through me. I feel like my soul has been stepped on. I am sobbing as I give you those pieces of paper that are killing us. You turn. I am left in darkness. The dogs comforting me. I sob into their fur and pray.
I allow myself time. I allow myself tears. I allow myself anger. Ok, now I’m pissed. I grab the copies of your scripts. Ok you f***ing doctor imposters. You’ve pissed off the wrong mother. I’m coming after you. Ha, I’m a nurse. I will do it the right way…I grab my laptop. Delaware Board of Medicine. I hit the file a complaint tab and feel such power and relief completing the form that will start the process of an investigation into the practice of these pill pushing pieces of s**t. If I can’t go in there and beat the crap out of them for making you an addict then I’ll do the next best thing. I will report their overprescribing to the doctors that oversee physicians in this state. I hold back nothing. I tell them how it’s a cash practice. I send copies of the massive volume of pills you are given each month. I report that there have been no scripts for physical therapy or any other means of pain control than the opiates you now live for. I point out that Percocet and Methadone should not be prescribed together. I report how they included a muscle relaxer into your mix of deadly drugs. I am on a roll. I feel my spirit lift. The dread lifting. I will do whatever I have to if it means saving you. I hit the send button and do the happy dance. The dogs wake as I am jumping around. I have won the lottery. The killers will be investigated and shut down. Your monthly visits will stop. I have saved us. I am so happy I don’t realize how naive I was about the power of addiction.
Once again I am that cat. The one that got the canary. I can’t stop smiling. I have a secret. I tell no one. I am stupid with cockiness. I have done it. I don’t say a word to you as I continue to observe your behavior. Now unemployed you spend most of your time underfoot. I force you to walk the dogs with me. I force conversation all the while knowing that your supply will soon disappear. I suggest physical therapy, acupuncture anything but drugs. I sneak down when I hear you in the shower and search. Pills, pills, pills, finding your supply and controlling is all I can focus on.
An unrecognized number appears on my phone. I cautiously answer. Yes, this is she. Hello Detective. You’ve received my complaint. Hallelujah, my brain is singing as you watch from afar. I walk outside to finish what I have to say. Would I be willing to testify, Holy Hell, Absolutely. I will stand on the roof and scream about the no good pill pushers. I am flying. I am supermom. I have pulled it off. I saved you and all the lost souls who have become victims of this practice.
Weeks pass. I hear nothing. Your appointment coincides with your unemployment check. Hey Matt, what are you doing today. You look at me, I’m going out. I’m an adult, get off my back. Ok, now I know where your headed. I wonder how much longer this will go on. You are leaving as the mail is arriving. Oh God, in my hand is a letter from The Delaware Board of Medicine. My heart is pounding. I run into the house ripping into the envelope. My eyes see the words but my brain is not comprehending. What, are they F***ing kidding me. We find no fault with the prescribing methods of this practice. I am silently screaming. Did you not see the dose and amount of killer drugs they were prescribing. Did you not get the fact that it is a cash only business. No paper trail of income, WTF…Are you in on the deal. Do you f***ers get a kick back. I hear you pull into the driveway. You come at me like I am your prey. WTF did you do Mom. Who the F**K do you think you are .. They kicked me out. You reported them. Are you out of your mind you crazy bitch. Now you are the one screaming and I am the one staring. Matt, please I was trying to help. You don’t need that poison, please I didn’t know what else to do. Well you did it alright. You push me out of your way. I hear you throwing stuff, Matt please can we talk. Get out of my way, get out of my life. Hate pours out of you and onto me. Matt. I run after your car as you speed away. Oh God, what have I done. Why don’t I learn. Please keep him safe. this is all my fault. I thought I was so smart and all I did was screw everything up. I call your cell. It goes directly to voice mail. I leave you a pleading message. Matt, I will fix this. I will find you a real doctor. I will find you real help. Oh God, Matt if I didn’t love you I wouldn’t care about what you did. Please Matt, please. I hear the beep. Time up. Voice mail over. I was pleading to a dead phone. Oh God, what did I do. I walk inside and see myself in the hall mirror. My eyes are empty, my face full of sadness. I stare at a woman I no longer recognize. Oh God, Help…..