Matt, There is a saying that time heals all wounds. People tell you to give it time. Time will help. As if time has the magical power to help you forget that your child is gone. As if they have a clue as to how it feels to walk around with half your heart missing. All time has done for me is to deepen my already intense pain. All time has done is rob me of the blessing of watching my sons grow old together. Time passes and I realize that I haven’t heard your voice or seen your handsome face for 5 years.
Time is not my friend. Time has become a painful march of family birthdays and holiday celebrations that are no more. Time deepens the grief as reality seeps in reminding me that this emptiness will be a part of my soul forever. Weeks have turned to months. Months to years. Yet my grief refuses to loosen its grip on my soul. Grief has taken over every cell of my body. It pulses through my veins with every beat of my heart. Breaking it again as I recognize that memories are all I have left of you. Happy times when life was as it should be. Family barbecues, laughter and love. My two sons enjoying each other’s company as siblings do.
But time doesn’t have a clue. It marches on and with each new day comes the pain of knowing there will be no phone call or visit today, tomorrow or forever. Time is like that crack. It starts small and barely noticeable until it transforms into an enormous undeniable rupture separating life into the before and after.
As time passes people forget. Returning to their normal lives afraid that grief is catchy. Friends disappearing into the sunset. Running as far and as fast as they can. As if I’m contagious. Time is a great teacher. It teaches you who gives a damn.
Time does nothing to lessen grief. It does everything to magnify it. I now understand those things I took for granted like having all the time in the world to say the things I wanted to say, to do the things we dreamed about doing were never under our control. Time fools you into thinking you will always have more.
Time marches on and doesn’t care who it mows down as it marches. It has no respect for the grieving heart.
The only thing I want to do with time is have it rewind. Go back to the time when you lived. I call it a do over. A time when my heart was whole. A time when life held joy and hope not pain and regret.
Before your death I wanted time to slow down. I complained that time was going by too quickly. Days and months were flying by. I wanted time to give me more moments to enjoy life. To allow the seasons to change slowly allowing the beauty of each one to linger longer.
Now time can’t move fast enough. I want the holidays to fly away and be gone. Birthdays too. I want my head to spin and not have time to know my reality and the pain it continues to bring.
I was never afraid of getting older. I take care of myself. I’m physically active, not bad looking for a sixty something mom. Aging didn’t really bother me. Although it does feel like I was only thirty a few days ago. I’m not high maintenance, never worried about a new wrinkle popping up as I’ve earned every one being the mother of two boys. Now I want to close my eyes and be eighty. I want to be closer to the time I will see you again. I want to see your face and hear your voice. I want to be able to hold you and tell you it’s ok. Matt, you were a beautiful man with a terrible, misunderstood disease. Prior to your death my time was spent keeping an eye on you.
Before your death time was of short supply. Working and trying to keep you safe took every second of every day. Now time is empty, standing still, endless.
Time has also taught me a life lesson. I have no control over it and what it may bring. We’ve all heard the saying “In Gods Time Not Ours”. Now I finally get it. Time does not belong to us.
The gift of time for me is a double edged sword. Sharp and cutting one minute. Peaceful and too quiet the next. I’m learning that time stops for no one.
For as long as I have left I will cherish those beautiful memories and wish I knew then what I know now. I would have stayed longer and cherished our time sitting together by the sea. I would have hugged more and argued less. I would have fought harder to save you.
Living through time without you is hell. I’ve read that “ Life isn’t a matter of milestones, but of moments.”
Until we meet again I will treasure the moments we’ve made in the time we had together. Precious moments that time cannot erase 💜