Matt, I knew I had to trust you to do the right thing. I had to believe you would do everything you could to find a new job and pull your weight not only with the bills but in taking care of the house. I kept telling myself to relax and just give it time, but that nagging little voice wouldn’t let me be. I called every few days and was getting the feeling that I was annoying you with the same questions. Oh well, maybe it was my turn to annoy you. Maybe it was my turn to push and push and push until you finally did what you promised to do. Every call was answered the same way. Yes Mom, I looked for a job today. Yes Mom, I called about that. Yes Mom, I paid those bills. Blah Blah Blah. I felt like I was reliving groundhog day all over again.
I tried to just act normal. Working and spending time with Ray, but my mind was always drifting back to you. Unemployment was barely giving you enough to live on and pay a few bills. I knew the dam was going to break but had no clue that it was about to explode.
I received the call on my lunch break. A number I didn’t recognize. I held my breath as I answered hoping it had nothing to do with you. Seriously, are you kidding. A new bank taking over our mortgage isn’t real happy with the arrangement made to keep us afloat. The my son’ sick and lost his job card wasn’t getting any sympathy from this new gatekeeper. Holy shit, really you want what, payment in full in 30 days to prevent foreclosure. No amount of begging or bargaining was having any effect on this new I don’t give a shit about your problems manager who was making me feel like the biggest loser in the world. I hung up and tried to not let the sobs escape my throat. This was too much, the straw that broke my back. I find a private corner and call you. Matt we are in trouble. I barely give you time to speak before I start to realize your speech is slurred and those hateful words, Hey Mama float out of your mouth. My throat is closing, my heart is racing, I want to puke. I hang up knowing that nothing I say will penetrate your brain. You are in your favorite place. Euphoria surrounds you as the demons take you away from reality.
I finish my shift, fly home, change. Ray, once again is away on business preventing me from making up a lie. Keeping our dirty little secret was hard enough, I didn’t want to start new lies. Your addiction was turning me into just that, a liar. Making up so many stories to cover for you that soon I feared I would forget who I told what and be caught.
Driving down in the dark allowed me to openly sob without drawing attention to myself. I was sobbing and talking to myself feeling that familiar hopelessness wash over me like the tide I loved to watch. How could you let me down, how could you continue to destroy everything you said you loved. We sold everything we could spare to keep our little piece of heaven. Now we were on the brink of losing my happy place and my heart couldn’t take the pain.
I pull up to the dark house. Your car is there. I hear the barking. My heart is racing, I’m physically sick. I puke in your trash. Great, let’s hope the neighbors didn’t catch that performance. I let myself in and hit the light. You are there. The light hits your face and I see the demons. Hey Mama. I grab you and start punching and sobbing and punching. You are not fazed. You laugh and brush me off like a bug. I come back at you now screaming. You prick, you coward, how could you do this to me. I’ve loved you and helped you. Paid your bills and given you the perfect place to live. You repay me by spitting in my face and destroying everything I love. I hate you.
I’m out of control. Pulling cushion off the couches. Dragging your mattress off your bed. Tearing the place apart looking for your demons. You sit watching with your glassy eyes, quiet knowing that if you speak I will attack. I feel the bottle in your shoes. The amber beauty you love so much. Empty. You SOB. I come at you shoving the bottle in your face. You laugh. Your eyes looking at me but not seeing. Your skin pale and clammy. Your speech slow and slurred. I slap your face, you react. Now I’m in nurse mode. I’m pushing you into the shower fully clothed soaking you with cold water. Snap, you are back and pissed. Punching and spitting and calling me names that break my heart. We struggle, you slip past me and run into the wall. You are bleeding, the dogs are on you protecting me. My God, who have we become. I don’t know these people. I’m shaking and soaked and ashamed. What have we done to each other. Your demons making me ugly and hateful. You push yourself up and slam the door to your room. I hear the shower. I sit holding myself as the dogs come to comfort me.
I am shocked at how I acted. I’m the adult here, the fixer. I fixed this alright. The rage I felt scared me to my core. This is not who I am. I love you and I could have easily killed you and left you behind. I feel like I’ve lost my mind. You are sick and I am sick.. Your addiction is slowly killing both of us.
You approach me like a scared little boy. It’s ok Matt, the crazy lady is gone. We sit and let the silence hug us like a warm blanket. You reach for my hand and I put my head on your shoulder. Matt, we can’t do this anymore. We can’t be these hateful, ugly people. I don’t want this to be us. I don’t know what to do to fix this. I am lost and broken. Matt, our house by the sea must go. I’m sorry Mom. Please don’t hate me. Matt, I could never hate you. We sit together. I can’t look at you. My tears are falling and I don’t even try to hide the fact that the wetness dripping onto your hand is coming from my broken heart. Addiction destroys everything until there is nothing left to destroy………