Matt, Today is January 3rd. The 4th anniversary of your death. The weather mimics my spirit, cold and gloomy. I’ve made no plans for today. I just can’t come to the beach and walk where we once did. I’ve chosen to just be and let my grief have its way……..
I can remember every moment after hearing those words I prayed never to hear. Four years ago at 12:15 while working in the NICU taking care of ill babies, I learned that you were gone. I remember a feeling of leaving my body to escape the pain as my heart was breaking. I remember someone screaming, never thinking it was me…
I remember hearing words telling me to breathe, to sit, to drink. I remember how badly I wanted my heart to stop beating so I could be where you were…
Four years later I still seek you. I expect to see you coming through my door with Kahlua at your heels. I expect you to grab a drink from the fridge and suck it down from the carton, laughing at me as I try to force a glass into your hand.
I expect you at the dinner table as we share stories about our day. I expect you to give me a hug and to hear “love you Mom”, before you descend the stairs to your man cave.
I never expected this. This overwhelming, never ending, life shattering grief. I never expected to lose you so suddenly and unexpectedly. I never thought that pictures and memories would be all that was left of our life. I never expected that four years later my heart would still be screaming as it was the moment you left me behind….
I never expected that I would be constantly be looking for signs. Searching the clouds for angels and crosses. Searching for stones and leaves in the shape of hearts. I never expected to have my breath sucked out of my lungs after seeing a can of Beef-A-Roni in the grocery isle. I never expected to have a meltdown at the moment I hear a song or see the waves hitting the shore where we once walked together…
I never expected that seeing two little boys playing together would cause a physical ache in my soul. I never expected that seeing two fathers laughing together watching their children play would remind me of what I would never see now that you are gone….
I never expected to be this person. A ghost of who I used to be. The eyes staring back at me break my heart. I never expected to be the one left behind. I never expected the pain of losing you would continue to be so powerful and soul crushing. I never expected that four years later the tears would still fall as they did in the early days. I never expected to visit a garden with a cold stone engraved with your name….
I never expected to fight for my sanity. I never expected to walk this painful journey. I never expected that life would turn out as it has. I never expected to live this painful lesson of not taking a day for granted…..
I never expected to be writing letters to you that you would never read. I never expected any of what I live with since your death. I never expected you to die….
Four years later. I never expected this…………………….