Matt, Tis the season. Wherever I go, Christmas music always seems to be playing. I can’t even run into the grocery story without being punched in my gut. There is no escaping the joy of the season. People with smiles on their glowing faces are singing along to the carols. Hearing I’ll Be Home For Christmas left me sobbing in the cereal isle as I wanted to scream out that No, he won’t be coming home this Christmas or next. I wanted to stand in the middle of that aisle and scream at the top of my lungs. My son is Dead. Everyone shut up! There is no Merry or Happy in my holiday.
Sleep used to be my only reprieve. The only time I could crawl under the covers and disappear. The quiet of the night used to bring a comfort to my soul like nothing else. Wrapping myself up in my safe cocoon I could shut out the noise of the happy world and just be.
I don’t know what the trigger was. I don’t understand why. Suddenly, the night became my enemy. The silence I once craved is now full of noise. My brain, like a newborn babe has confused day and night. Maybe it’s the season. Maybe it’s ugly reality. Perhaps my grief found my safe place and decided to move in. Quietly, with the cunning of a predator, grief found me in the silence of the night.
Now, like a child fearing the monster in the closet I dread the night. The night awakens all those thoughts that were safely buried in my psyche. Those visions of your disease swirling through my head. The what if’s and why’s come flooding into my brain ripping me from the safety of slumber. My body instantly reacts causing my heart to pound and hot tears to form. There will be no escape from the questions that continue to tug at my heart.
The silence. The lack of distractions allow my eyes to focus on your picture smiling back at me in the night. My mind goes to places I refuse to visit in the daylight. The darkness, the stillness has a way of surrounding me with the despair I can no longer outrun. The darkness allows the grief a power that is nonexistent in daylight.
In my mind I have conversations with you. I pray for your peace and mine. I wipe my tears quietly as my mind does the delicate dance of acceptance versus disbelief. I allow myself memories of how holidays used to be. Holidays when I was the one singing in the aisles with a smile on my face and childlike anticipation for our gathering in my heart.
I’ve come to realize that nothing will ever be the same. Holidays will never get easier. I will continue to feel your loss as long as I walk the earth. Certain Christmas carols will most certainly come with gut punches.
Sleepless nights have become a part of my present life. Reminding me of past sleepless nights when I held you close and rocked you as a baby. Holding your sweet body next to mine those nights bonding us forever. Under the cover of darkness I will close my eyes and try to remember your smell. Your laugh. Your amazing eyes. I will allow the darkness to hide my weeping from the world. I will allow myself to imagine you spending the holidays in a beautiful peace. I will lay in the darkness and allow myself to grieve……