Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Tag: na (page 1 of 6)

Have A Heart

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Matt,  I think I floated home that night.  My heart so happy believing I finally had you back.  Instead of me, myself and I rehearsing the speech I prepared to deliver we were singing.  Oh how we were singing.  I felt so light, so happy like I’d just been handed a million dollars.  I just couldn’t believe how things worked out when we talked.  I’d come prepared for battle.  Had all the reasons ready to shoot out of my mouth and then I see you by the sea with your dogs and all the anger and frustration were washed away with the out going  tide.  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my weary shoulders.  You were finally getting it.  I didn’t have to yell or threaten, you were on board to get your life back on track.  Now I could plan for my future without that constant nagging feeling that something would blow up in my face.  What a gift to give to your exhausted mother.

Now that I was free to focus on something other than you I started to plan my wedding.  I’d gotten used to the laughs when I told people that yes it’s this September not next and I was definitely  serious.  It turned into a game for me to find anyone who was as reckless as I was and willing to go out on a limb to help pull off my dream.  I am a beach person so of course the first place I thought about was the beach.  That was until both sets of parents looked like I’d said the F word. Yes I know.  Ray and I were both adults, but we both wanted our parents to enjoy the day so now I had to find a church.  Well how do two divorced people find a church to marry them.  We were both raised as Catholic so that was like asking a priest to shake hands with the devil.  I though for sure the church would be struck by lightning if we dare think we could set foot in the door and ask to be married.

We both loved mountain biking, yeah remember the mangled wrist that led us to this point.  Well we always passed this adorable tiny church hidden in the woods when we biked in Fairhill.  Perfect I thought.  This would satisfy the Catholic parents.  Unfortunately it was always closed whenever we passed by.  One day on a whim I stopped and looked in the windows.  It was perfect.  Just what the doctor ordered.  I took pictures and showed Ray.  He really didn’t care where we were married so off I went on my quest  to get into this church.  It just so happened that a fellow biker knew the minister.  So now we have our church.  Big enough for 70 people.  Absolutely adorable.  Plans were progressing.  You and I kept in touch and you sounded fantastic.  No sign that the demons had returned.   We made plans for you to come and stay the weekend.  We needed to get my mechanic son a suit.

Ray has been amazing.  Giving me full control over the planning.  I think he knew it would keep me busy and out of trouble.  I kept threatening to get back on my bike and conquer the hill that took me down.  He’s a smart guy.  You show up on a Friday night.  I, out of habit go through my checklist.  You pass with flying colors.  Oh God,  this is so wonderful.  We beat the demons, Matt’s back.  We shop and find you the perfect suit.  It is so wonderful to have you back.  To be able to have a conversation without your glazed eyes looking back at me.  Your head not bobbing like a broken toy.  I am flying.  On cloud nine.  I’m marrying the man of my dreams and Matt is back.  It doesn’t  get any better than this.  We spent the weekend together,  just you and me.  It felt like the old days before the demons turned our lives upside down.  I kept pinching myself.  This was truly amazing.  Once again I fought to keep the little warning voices out of my head.  Too good to be true.  He’s saying everything you need to hear.  Little voices of warning trying to steal my peace.  I beat them back and continued to believe we were the normal, happy family I so needed us to be.   Sunday came and you headed back to the sea.  I remember watching you leave, my heart begging for this new you to be the true you.  Your addiction had made you the best at pretending to be who I needed you to be.  I just couldn’t let myself believe you would do it to me again.

The  week goes by and my phone rings.  Holy S.. my boss.  Yes, I still want to come back to work.  Really, a per diem position.  Yes, I’ll take it.  Oh My Gosh.  Everything is beautiful.  I have a job,  I can save the beach house.  I am floating on air when Ray walks in.  Hey, guess what.  I’m going back to work.  Yes, as soon as I’m released from P.T.  So if you want to back out of this proposal now’s the time.  You look at me and laugh.  I wouldn’t miss this for the world, you say.   I feel like finally the planets have aligned, they are all spinning in my direction.  Life is good.  My son is good so I am absolutely wonderful.  I am laughing and dancing and you are looking at me like I’m crazy.  It’s all ok, no more dirty little secret to hide.  We are free.

In the midst of my joy your phone rings.  I stop and look at your face.  Oh God, what.  Now it is you that needs holding.  We race to the hospital, my joy with Matt forgotten.  The ED is busy.  I rush in ahead and find your Dad.  He is scared and shaky.  I brought Mom in.  She’s been sick all day and has just gotten worse.  I walk into her room and see what no nurse ever wants to see.  You bring Dad in the room.  Ray,  do you see those waves on the monitor.  Yes, they are what we refer to as Firemen.  Your Mom is having a heart attack. I ring her bell and call for help.  Ray, grab your Dad,  this room is about to go crazy.  Doctors and nurses rush in.  Papers are signed.  I grab you both and hit the hallway as your Mom is rushed to the cath lab.  Now we sit, the three of us lost in our own thoughts.  You Dad sits so still, looking so frail.  You are asking questions I really don’t want to answer.  I hate being a nurse.  I want to fix everything.  My addict son and now your ailing mother.  Ok God I think.  What are you doing.  I’m not trying to be selfish but WTH are you doing.  This is crazy.  Just when life was settling down,  just when a little piece of happy and normal came my way.  I look at you and grab your hand.  The wedding will wait.  Your eyes break my heart.  Another mother and son depending on luck and faith to keep them together.  My heart is breaking.  I remember all the times I almost lost Matt.  Ok God,  you win.  I couldn’t stop the chill that gripped my heart.  The demons were laughing as we were praying to save a mother for her son.

 

 

Silence, Not Always So Golden

Matt,  The ride home was the longest hour and a half of my life.  The silence between me and your grandmother was deafening.  I couldn’t even try to start a conversation for fear that my carefully constructed  dam would start to crack and my tears would turn to uncontrollable sobs.  I kept staring out the window telling myself that once again I would figure out a way to fix this.  Your grandmother knew something was terribly wrong but was wise enough to keep both her questions and comments to herself.

I was used to doing this drive alone and I used the time to clear my head and start to come up with different plans to fix whatever I happened to find broken on my visits.   Alone, I could talk to myself out loud and cry if I needed to with no one to witness my falling apart.  Just me, myself and I was my joke to myself as all three of us would plan the next stage of battle against your demons.  Having your grandmother in the car robbed me of precious planning time.  I would rehearse my speech to you preparing me for your angry phone calls choosing my words carefully to avoid a screaming match when you found that once again I’d taken your most precious possession and flushed them away.

Instead I sat and watched the scenery pass by trying to hold back the sobs that kept forming in my heart.  How could you keep doing this to us.  Why did those pills mean more to you than anything else.  How did you not understand that it was because of that white poison that your life was so full of chaos.  How much more did you have to lose before you got that ah ha moment.  I guess I just didn’t understand how you could continue to hurt us both so badly.  Carrying our secret was causing such havoc in my life.  I was so consumed with keeping you safe that my own happiness always took a back seat to whatever you needed.

Finally we get home.  I ask your grandmother if she wants to come in and I’m so thankful that she just wants to get herself out of her clothes and into the shower.  Of course she had to let me know that your place was the dirtiest she’d been to in a while.  Oh Mom,  I thought you don’t even have a clue.  His house is the least of my problems.

I let myself in and finally allow the tears to come.  I’m so upset and frustrated with this whole situation.  If only I didn’t break my wrist I tell myself I would have been there to keep a close eye on you.  I constantly blame myself for you slipping back to your demons.  As if I have the power to keep you away from your one true love.  I sit and wait.  watching the clock and rehearsing my speech, knowing that your hateful call will be coming soon.  I say the words that I’ve so carefully chosen over and over again just so in the heat of the moment I can still be that cool Mom who stays rational while you are flipping out.

The phone rings and I jump telling myself to breath and willing my heart to slow down.  For God sake I tell myself, calm down you can handle this.  I answer expecting to hear your voice.  Yes, this is she.  Who is this.  The mortgage company calling to inform me the payment hasn’t been made in six months.  They have given up leaving you messages and found my name and number on your paperwork as I put the down payment on our little piece of heaven by the sea.   Ok, now I’m pissed.  The cool Mom left the building and the mad as hell Mom took her place.

The phone rings again.  This time I’m ready.  The hell with my pretty little speech.  I want answers and I want them now.  Hello.  Mom, what the hell.  Matt, what the hell.  We both start yelling at the same time.  You telling me I disrespected your privacy.  Me telling you I came and cleaned just like you wanted before I was broken.  What’s the matter Matt I ask.  Thought you could just live however and do whatever and take whatever to make all your troubles go away.  What the hell are you doing down there.  What are you spending your money on.  Oh wait,  your spending your money on those little white pills I crushed and flushed.  WTF you scream.  That’s right buddy boy.  I found them and they are gone.  You hang up.  I’m pacing and shaking.  Ok God,  can you fix this one.  What am I going to do.  I’m not working.  I can’t pull extra shifts to get the mortgage caught up.  How can this be happening.  He lost his business, now our house is being put in jeopardy all for the love of demons.  I sit and start to sob.  This is the last straw.  My spirit now broken.  The dogs come and we sit as I try to pull myself together enough to once again come up with a plan to fix the mess your addiction keeps dropping into our lives.

You call again.  The shouting starts.  How dare you Mom.  How dare you come here and take my pills.  Who do you think you are.  How dare I, I scream and who do I think I am I scream.  I’m the one bailing your ass out of every mess your lovely Percs get you into.  I’m the one paying your bills, and taking care of all the shit you throw my way.  I’m the one cleaning your house and your vomit and ducking your punches when your high and coming down hard.  I’m the one calling the rehabs begging to get you in when you are briefly aware that you need help.   I’m the one and only one trying to save your life.  I’m the one who hates the person you become when your demons have control but love the son I know you can be.  You tell me go to hell and hang up.  I’m already in hell I think,  I’ve been in hell for years fighting your demons.  Your addiction has turned my life into a living hell.  I turn off the lights and sit in the dark trying to quiet my mind.   Silence I just need silence.  Stop laughing demons.  This battle is not over…..

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The Endless Summer

Matt, I really believe that was the worst summer of our lives.  I was stuck at home with a useless right arm and you were at the beach free as a bird.  Oh boy, I could see you doing the happy dance.  Except for the fact that you lost your free housekeeping service you knew the Mom police was out of service.   You were one lucky guy.  Just when I had the best excuse in the world to keep an eye on you and continue to play that cool Mom fate stepped in and changed the course of our lives.   I’m stuck at home and you are free to play with your demons.   I was in a constant state of panic and you were relaxing loving the fact that you could do whatever floated your boat with no Mom on your back.

I tried to stay cool just calling everyday and going down my memorized check list.   Making small talk and trying to catch you in the game of lies we had gotten to be such experts in.  So Matt, what’s going on with Lisa.  Are you still taking a break or are you still house hopping.  Yeah Mom,  still house hopping except I’m really liking the nights I’m alone at my house.  We are trying to work things out but I just don’t know.  Oh God,  please help.  Matt alone meant chaos.  Even though Lisa wasn’t my idea of the perfect girl at least she could keep him out of trouble, or so I allowed myself to believe.

Two weeks turned to four.  I was still casted and trying to learn how to live as a left handed girl.  Holy crap I thought this is unbelievable.   Trying to get contacts in was something worthy of a TV commercial.  My cat, Simon liked to curl up in the sink and watch me get it together every morning.  No problem until I became the one arm bandit and dropped my contact on his back in the sink.  My screech had him flying out of the room with my contact still attached to his fur.  Ok, so here I am the one armed, one eyed very pissed mother of an addict who is feeling like she is ready to call it a day, jump back in bed and say the hell with it all!

Finally I give up finding my sweet Simon and open another contact package with my teeth.  I tell you if someone followed me around all day with a camera I would have been a U tube sensation.   Getting dressed was another feat.  I slept in my bra cause that was utterly impossible to get on one handed.  My wardrobe had become sweat shorts and tank tops.  Lovely I thought.  My mass of curls, unwashed was caught up in a band.    This so sucks I said out loud as I came down stairs to greet another day as a helpless human.

My first thing every morning was my call to you.  I had to hear you to run down my mental  checklist of your words.  I knew if I heard Hey Mama we were in deep and I would have to find a way to get to you quickly.  When you didn’t answer I would go to that dark place in my mind.  Are you unconscious, in a ditch, sick, it was always something horrible.   My addicts Mom brain had been so programmed to always think the worst when you didn’t answer that I couldn’t even consider the possibility that you were busy at work and couldn’t answer or that you could be in the shower.  It was always the bad stuff that flooded my mind and set my heart racing when I could not get in touch with you.  Oh Matt.  We were both so sick because of your addiction.

By week six I was out of my mind.  I had been to the surgeon expecting to have my cast removed and hop directly in my car and head to the beach.  I sat in his exam room as he cut off the monster that wrecked my summer thinking great we are done here I need to get on with my life.  As soon as the cast was off my wrist pain shot through my body like I’d been hit by an arrow.  WTH was happening.  Dr. S had me X rayed again.  Sorry, we must recast.  Your wrist was so badly broken you can’t be left without the support of a cast.  Holy crap, once again my plan foiled by fate.  Ok, crap I’m really not in the mood.  What color he asked smiling,  crap I say do you have one that looks like crap cause that is exactly how I’m feeling.

I call you that night and you sound just a little to happy.  No worries Mom you say.  Take care of yourself.  I’m fine.  Oh boy.  red flags shooting up in my brain.  Take care of myself.  Really, put Matt on the phone.  He never would even consider me taking care of myself before taking care of him.  Ok that’s it.  I’m coming down.  I make a few phone calls.  Everyone is either working or hanging out with their family.  Why do you have to get down there so quickly is the million dollar question.  How can I even start to explain the lie I have kept hidden for years.  No worries I tell everyone.  Crap I’m thinking.  My last resort, my Mom.  She knows nothing about Matt and his addiction and I planned to keep it that way.  Maybe just maybe I could get her to drive me to Matts and suggest that she stop by to see my cousin who as luck would have it lived very close to Matt.

Thank you God I think as my Mom pulls up in my driveway.  I can tell by her reaction that I look absolutely marvelous.  When was the last time you washed your hair she asked.  Hi Mom, nice to see you too.  We drive and catch up.  I told her I broke my wrist slipping off my deck after a bad rainstorm.  She would have lectured me to death if I told her I was mountain biking with my boyfriend,  hell she didn’t even know I had a boyfriend.  I hid Ray from her like I hid Matt’s addiction from the world.  We get to Matts place and I tell her just to drop me off.  I’m so afraid of what I might find when I open the door.  We hear the dogs barking.  Matts Jeep is gone.  Thank God I think, at least I won’t find him out of it on the couch.

Like all Grandmothers she’s curious to see how her grandson lives.   Oh no she says.  I didn’t drive all this way not to see Matts place.  Oh God,  Oh God,  I can’t even imagine what is behind this door.  I find the key in my pocket.  I feel that familiar chest tightness, the lump forming in my throat.  The door opens.  The dogs happily greet us temporarily blocking the mess we are about to encounter.   Oh God, the mess.  I can’t even bring myself to look at my mother.  The tears forming in my eyes as I run to the back door leading the dogs out to the fenced yard.  Matt,  my heart breaks.  All the signs of your return to the demons are here.  Your Grandmother looks at me with shock on her face.  Takes off her coat and says let’s get to work.  I pretend the tears running down my face are from the pain of my wrist.  She does not question just gets to work washing your dishes and wiping your counters.  Oh Matt,  I can’t believe we are back to that dark place.  I can hear your demons laughing.  Hey Mom,  you weren’t here to save him.  HaHaHa.  Your grandmother keeps busy in the kitchen.  I go into your bedroom and close the door.  I let out the sob that has been building in my heart.  I try to lift your mattress one handed using my shoulder to keep it elevated while I searched your favorite hiding place.  Nothing.  Ok I tell myself.  Calm down, breathe.  I dust and vacuum your bedroom then start in the living room.  All the time my eyes are searching for that familiar bottle, praying that I’m over reacting to your neglect of the house.  Your Grandmother knows something is wrong but seeing my face keeps her thoughts to herself.  I’m screaming in my mind, No, No, No,  this can’t be happening again.  I can’t keep doing this again.

As fate would have it or maybe it was divine intervention, your Grandmother comes to me.  Here she says.  I found these in the kitchen cabinet.  She hands me a bottle. My heart skips a beat, I try to hide the horror as she puts the bottle in my hand.  Maybe this will help your pain.  Maybe you should take one.  You look like you’re in horrible pain.  Oh God Mom,  I wish I could tell you the pain I’m in.  It has nothing to do with my wrist.  Your grandson is an addict.  I carry this burden alone.  You just handed me a pot of gold and you haven’t a clue how grateful I am that you found this monster.

I go into the bathroom pretending to get a drink to take this pill.  I shut the door and cover my mouth to muffle the sobs coming from my soul.  I hold the bottle in my hand looking at the label.  I will be making a call to this pill pushing doctor.  I empty the pills in the sink and fill it with water.  I watch the pills start to dissolve as I beat them with your shaving can.  I beat and beat until they are no more.  I try to compose myself before facing your grandmother.  She is not stupid but knows this isn’t the time to question.  I leave the empty bottle in your bedroom.  I know and you will know that I know as soon as you put your key in the door.  I was going to leave you a note but the empty bottle is all I have to say…

 

 

Mom 1 Demons 0

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So Matt,  you were wrong.  I somehow managed to make it through the weekend without the help of your favorite lady P.   Believe me it was very tempting as she sat on my counter and watched me, tempting me with all her tricks.  I kept remembering how happy and out of control you became when you allowed her into your mind.  Nothing else mattered.  Your job, your friends, your mother.   There was no way I wanted to be out of control like you.  I needed to fix this.  I couldn’t become the foggy brained mom who wasn’t in control.  We both know I like to be in control.  So I paced, cried, cussed and drank my bottles of red like they were going to disappear.  I remember you telling me,  Mom you drink too much,  you’re no different than me.  I just take drugs.  We are no different.  Oh yes, my precious son we are very different.  I can drink, but I still have control.  I never become that person slumping over on the couch or lying and stealing to get my red.  I have given my red no power over my life.  Your pills take over your mind and your will and change who you become.  I was keeping my method of pain control my secret,  I was in no mood to be lectured by you after everything you put me through.

Monday couldn’t come fast enough.  I laughed thinking how I used to complain that weekends flew by, well this one could grow wings and be done.  Monday at 9 AM I was seeing a surgeon.  Thank God.  I just wanted to get fixed so I could get to the beach and keep you safe.  You and Lisa were still talking and I felt like there was still hope in you making this work.  I always felt better knowing you weren’t alone.  You didn’t do alone.  Your demons were always waiting to catch you and offer you a happy place.  You left alone ended in chaos.  We spoke everyday and you assured me you were ok.  You cleaned, well you said you did.  Went to beach with the dogs and were having dinner with Lisa.  My mind continued to run down the checklist every time we talked.  So far, so good I thought.  Now just let me think about me and not have to worry about you.

Monday morning finally came.  Thank you God.  Now came the moment of truth.  Just how helpless was I with only my left hand.  I stayed in the same sweats all weekend just because, but now I had to face the world.  The girl with the hanging hand.  Matt you would have laughed watching me put contacts in.  My God,  how much we take for granted by having two hands.  Ok, forget it.  Grabbing my glasses and thinking who cares, when they see my hand nobody’s gonna care what I look like.  Getting dressed was unbelievably painful.  The splint was a pain so off it came, holy crap this sucks.   Finally ready and my pain level shooting through the roof.  Ray comes to drive me.  You really need to take a pill before you go, no thanks, just drive and shut up.

We get to the surgeon and it’s standing room only.  Holy crap. Delaware is full of klutzes.  Everywhere I look there are casts and crutches.  I fit right in.  This time the receptionist actually looks up and says Ouch that looks bad.  Yup, thanks.  Ray grabs the clipboard not wanting to risk my reaction.  The last place was a joke.  I’m feeling hopeful here, people actually look at you when you walk up to the desk.  So Ray starts filling in all my information.  So now everybody within hearing range knows all my stuff.  I’m in so much pain I could care less.  Info done and handed in.  Ray leaves to get to a meeting.  I’m left alone in a room full of strangers and all I want to do is cry.  I want to call you and hear your voice.  I need to know you are ok.  God, it never ends.  I worry about you constantly.

I hear my name.  The nurse looks at my arm and winces.  Well that’s just great, right now the last thing I need is a wuss  for a nurse.  We get to the exam room and are met by a P.A.  Wow, he says.  That looks like a bad break.  No shit Sherlock.  Oh God, please let this surgeon know what the hell he’s doing.  I’ve got Robin from Batman sitting here drooling like a dog just waiting to get his hands on my wrist.  If this surgeon comes in with any wise cracking joke I’m punching something.  Yes, it’s not everyday that someone actually walks in with their wrist hanging from their arm, I get it.  But in one minute the shit is going to hit the fan.  My pain is making me crazy and I just want a real doctor, not Batman.

In walks Dr. S.  He takes one look at me and says shit, how long have you been like this.  All weekend.  He unsplints me and looks in horror at what used to be a nice slim wrist.  We need to fix this now he says to Robin.  The P.A. jumps up like he just won the lottery.  By now I’m ready to pass out.  They lay me down on the bed.  The surgeon apologizes to me about what he needs to do.  Crap, now that’s scary, a surgeon saying he’s sorry before the fix.  Oh God, just put me out.  Maybe Lady P isn’t such a bad idea.  My will power is weakening, my God help.  I jump as he starts injecting local into my arm.  He tells me It probably won’t help but he’s going to try.  Then Robin wheels in a device from a medieval torture chamber.  He smiles a sick smile as he grabs my arm and puts my fingers into something that reminded me of Chinese finger cots.  The tighter you pull the tighter they get.  I tell him with my own sick smile that if he grabs me again I’m going for his balls.  He backs off and let’s Dr. S. take over.

So I’m laying on my back with my arm hanging from this contraption thinking I’d rather be anywhere but here.  You pop  into my mind.  Oh God, please keep Matt safe.  The pain was right up there with giving birth.  My wrist was being shoved back into place.  The words coming out of my mouth shocked even me.  Nurses ran into the room and grabbed my other hand.  Breathe, breathe he’s almost done.  So now I know how it feels to be beaten with a bat.  Passing out while laying down. now that blows that theory.   Ok done, he says.  You can sit up now.  Sure you idiot, look at the patient.  I can’t even move I’m in shock.  Thank God for nurses.  They stay and help.  What color cast I’m asked.  Really, how about red so when I beat you with it the blood won’t show.  Whatever, just get me out of here.

Just like that I’m released.  A nurse asks how I’m getting home.  Call Ray.  She gets my phone looking at me with pity.  Here take this.  I look to see the beautiful Lady P. smiling back at me.  Your demons calling me.  Come play, we will take you away from this painful place and give you peace.  You need us, you can’t fight anymore, we beat you.  Pain that doesn’t have to be if you just let us in.  Oh God.  I finally get it.  Matt, is this what you go through everyday.  Your back pain pushing you to let the demons in.  I am so tempted, I’m so tired of this pain.  Matt I understand how you are caught in their trap.  The promise of pain free euphoria was tempting me just like it must tempt you.  All I could think about was how easily you got addicted to pills and it all started with the first one.   I close my eyes. I see you slumped on our couch.  I remember the hell of detox.   The tears fall.  My son is an addict.  Those words causing more pain than my now fixed wrist.   The tears flow, the nurse wraps me in her arms.  Our secret told to a complete stranger.  She takes the pill away.  The look of pity broke my heart.  Yes, I thought the addicts mom can’t become the addict.  She has battles to fight to save her son.   I can do this, save you one handed…I even made a joke.  Ok God, stop laughing.

Shit Happens

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So Matt,  I’m laying here in the ER in the most excruciating pain I’ve felt since childbirth and all I can think about is you.  Shit,  I can’t drive I can barely breathe.  I was leaving for the beach later tonight.  I promised you I would help keep the beach house looking good.  By now the grass would need cutting and knowing you and how you clean I’m sure the fur balls have overtaken the place.   They could probably answer the door by now.  Shit, how in the hell am I going to do what I need to do.  This was the perfect excuse for me to keep an eye on you.   I had this great plan in my conniving little mind.  I would continue to play the cool Mom and just watch from afar.  I had a reason to be there now, you asked for help.  I was the helper.  Shit, now I was the one needing help.   I couldn’t even fill out the paperwork when the girl tried to hand me the clipboard.  I looked at her like WTF are you crazy.  Look up from your computer.  You just tried to give a girl with her hand hanging off her arm a clipboard and a pen!  Jesus,  some people are just plain stupid.  She’s  lucky I didn’t vomit all over her pretty little manicure.  I was barely making it.  Sweating and nauseous from the pain.  It took forever to get out of the woods and get the car where I sat, now the idiot behind the desk giving me a clipboard without even looking at this muddy, pale, about to pass out patient.  Thank God for Ray.  As if reading my mind he grabbed the clipboard with one hand and held on to me with the other.   Finally my name is called.  A nurse helps me back to see the doctor.  Another idiot.  So you think you broke your wrist.  No asshole, I always walk around with my wrist hanging like this.  He tries to touch my hand and I am off the table with such force the stool he is sitting on flies across the room.   Oh, that hurts he asks.  Are you kidding me.  You must be the janitor who grabbed a forgotten lab coat off the door and are playing doctor.  Ok, I’m done.  I’m playing the nurse card.  Yes, it hurts like if I were to grab your balls and squeeze.  That’s how bad.  See how swollen it is and black and blue.  Normal wrists don’t hang to one side like mine is.  Now, I’m no doctor but I’d bet it a displaced fracture.  Now how about you order an x-ray and get a real doctor in here.   I could hear the nurse outside the door chuckle.  She had the biggest yup he’s stupid grin on her face.  Nurses, we stick together.  She takes me back to x ray.  The tech is young and by her reaction I don’t think has ever seen a displaced fracture quite like mine.  I thought I was going to have to use my good hand and help her sit down.   After taking multiple pictures she looks at me with sadness and says this isn’t good.  Yup, I could have told you that the minute it hit the ground.  Ok,  so now comes the fun part.  They can’t do anything cause it’s too swollen and of course it a holiday weekend.  So I’m put in a temporary splint and given a script for guess what Percocet.  Yup,  the demons now taking a shot at me.

We make it home and the pain is starting to make me nuts.  Swelling must go down before any surgeon will touch me.  Sissies I think.  You guys put guts back in place and you’re scared of my little wrist.  Holy shit, what a mess I am in.   Ray leaves to get the script filled.  I tell him I’m not taking them so don’t bother.  He looks at me like I’m crazy as he walks out the door.  I try to elevate my hand but of course as luck would have it I have turned into a klutz and I’m right handed.  My right hand is now rendered useless for God knows how long.   I can’t even pour myself a much needed glass of red to help dull this throbbing pain.  I would have cut it off if I could but like I said I’m now a klutz.

Ray comes back to find me in a panic looking for my phone.  In the midst of all my chaos my first concern is you.  Ray starts telling me to sit down.  Here take these.  You need to calm down and get that pain under control.  Oh hey, wait a minute.  Weren’t you the guy who said my wrist wasn’t broken and it couldn’t hurt that much.  You take the stinking poison.  You see, Ray doesn’t know our dirty little secret yet.  I’ve protected us from people for so long it has become second nature.  Me and you, Matt are the only people who have knowledge of the demons.

Ray still pushing me to take at least one pill.  No way.  Open that bottle of red.  I’ll drink but no pills.  No, not opening the bottle till you take a pill.  Ok,  I can play.  I go to find a hammer.  What the hell are you doing with a hammer.  Well if you must know I bashing the head off the bottle so stand back.  Holy shit.  Are you crazy!  Ok, I’ll open it.  What the hell.  Oh and find my phone.  I try to play nice as he looks at me like he’s seen my bitch girl rise to the surface for the first time.

I call and you answer on the first ring.  Hey Mom, where are you.  I thought you’d be here by now.  I’m starting to cut the grass but was going to leave the cleaning for you.  Well Houston, we have a problem.  The fixer is broken.  Yup you heard me.  Broken like a twig.  Yup, I can’t even scratch my nose.  Stuck all weekend with a stupid splint and pain like you wouldn’t believe.  I’m so sorry Matt.  I really wanted to help.  How are things with Lisa I ask.  I wait for your answer and feel the panic building in my chest.  You’re taking too long to answer.  Shit, why now God.  All I was going to do was help keep his stress level down and hopefully keep the demons away.  Now, I’m the one who needs help.  This sucks.

We’re ok.  I’m thinking about spending more time at my place.  She’s nagging too much.  I’m tired after all the physical work I do all day and just want to relax on my time off.  She’s becoming a bitch.  My heart sinks as I remember your last broken relationship and how the demons took over taking you away to the world of comfort that you craved.  You never could handle life stresses and your only coping skill became the bottom of a bottle.   Those little white pills took the place of anyone or anything that you loved.  They took you to places I could never understand.

Ok, now I don’t know which pain is worse.  My wrist or the pain I feel knowing we are very close to our slippery slope.  Matt, things will work out, I tell you.  Maybe a break is all you need.  Couples all hit rough patches.  You might enjoy some me time.  Just you and the dogs.  Coming home and being able to relax might not be so bad.   I continue to tell you all the encouraging things I think you need to hear to boost your morale.  Deep down knowing that the shit was getting ready to hit the fan again.   Jesus, could we ever get a break.  Why did life have to throw us around like this.

We continue to have this conversation both of us starting to say the right things.  I want to scream at you,  stay away from the drugs.  You will get through this.  I will still help you.  Instead I pretend this won’t happen again.  This time you will handle things differently.  I feel as helpless as I look.  Matt, I’ll call you tomorrow.  We will work this out.  Maybe I can still come down and help.  I want to see you and I really need to be near the sea.  You sound better.  I feel encouraged.  Maybe just maybe.  Hey Mom,  what they give you for pain you ask.  Percocet I answer.  Oh you will love them.  Instant pain relief.  Now I hear it, the screaming in my brain.  No, No, No.  Matt,  I’m not taking them.  I will put up with the pain before I take your poison.  Right Mom, wait and see.  The pain will beat you down.  You’ll see, I’m right.  If your wrist is that bad there is nothing that will give you relief except lady P.  I hear you snicker.  Believe me Mom, I know.  Matt don’t.  Don’t act like this is a funny joke.  Remember the horror we lived trough.  That can’t happen again.  Please Matt, I’m hurt and I need you to stay straight for me.  Please I beg as I look at that bottle staring me down on my own table.  Laughing,  we’ll see Matt’s Mom.  We’ll see just how tough you are.. FU demons I think as the tears start and the wrist throbs like a hammer is breaking it again.  Not funny God.  Stop laughing…..

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