A Story of Addiction & Loss

Tag: recovery (Page 2 of 7)

Have A Heart

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Matt,  I think I floated home that night.  My heart so happy believing I finally had you back.  Instead of me, myself and I rehearsing the speech I prepared to deliver we were singing.  Oh how we were singing.  I felt so light, so happy like I’d just been handed a million dollars.  I just couldn’t believe how things worked out when we talked.  I’d come prepared for battle.  Had all the reasons ready to shoot out of my mouth and then I see you by the sea with your dogs and all the anger and frustration were washed away with the out going  tide.  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted off my weary shoulders.  You were finally getting it.  I didn’t have to yell or threaten, you were on board to get your life back on track.  Now I could plan for my future without that constant nagging feeling that something would blow up in my face.  What a gift to give to your exhausted mother.

Now that I was free to focus on something other than you I started to plan my wedding.  I’d gotten used to the laughs when I told people that yes it’s this September not next and I was definitely  serious.  It turned into a game for me to find anyone who was as reckless as I was and willing to go out on a limb to help pull off my dream.  I am a beach person so of course the first place I thought about was the beach.  That was until both sets of parents looked like I’d said the F word. Yes I know.  Ray and I were both adults, but we both wanted our parents to enjoy the day so now I had to find a church.  Well how do two divorced people find a church to marry them.  We were both raised as Catholic so that was like asking a priest to shake hands with the devil.  I though for sure the church would be struck by lightning if we dare think we could set foot in the door and ask to be married.

We both loved mountain biking, yeah remember the mangled wrist that led us to this point.  Well we always passed this adorable tiny church hidden in the woods when we biked in Fairhill.  Perfect I thought.  This would satisfy the Catholic parents.  Unfortunately it was always closed whenever we passed by.  One day on a whim I stopped and looked in the windows.  It was perfect.  Just what the doctor ordered.  I took pictures and showed Ray.  He really didn’t care where we were married so off I went on my quest  to get into this church.  It just so happened that a fellow biker knew the minister.  So now we have our church.  Big enough for 70 people.  Absolutely adorable.  Plans were progressing.  You and I kept in touch and you sounded fantastic.  No sign that the demons had returned.   We made plans for you to come and stay the weekend.  We needed to get my mechanic son a suit.

Ray has been amazing.  Giving me full control over the planning.  I think he knew it would keep me busy and out of trouble.  I kept threatening to get back on my bike and conquer the hill that took me down.  He’s a smart guy.  You show up on a Friday night.  I, out of habit go through my checklist.  You pass with flying colors.  Oh God,  this is so wonderful.  We beat the demons, Matt’s back.  We shop and find you the perfect suit.  It is so wonderful to have you back.  To be able to have a conversation without your glazed eyes looking back at me.  Your head not bobbing like a broken toy.  I am flying.  On cloud nine.  I’m marrying the man of my dreams and Matt is back.  It doesn’t  get any better than this.  We spent the weekend together,  just you and me.  It felt like the old days before the demons turned our lives upside down.  I kept pinching myself.  This was truly amazing.  Once again I fought to keep the little warning voices out of my head.  Too good to be true.  He’s saying everything you need to hear.  Little voices of warning trying to steal my peace.  I beat them back and continued to believe we were the normal, happy family I so needed us to be.   Sunday came and you headed back to the sea.  I remember watching you leave, my heart begging for this new you to be the true you.  Your addiction had made you the best at pretending to be who I needed you to be.  I just couldn’t let myself believe you would do it to me again.

The  week goes by and my phone rings.  Holy S.. my boss.  Yes, I still want to come back to work.  Really, a per diem position.  Yes, I’ll take it.  Oh My Gosh.  Everything is beautiful.  I have a job,  I can save the beach house.  I am floating on air when Ray walks in.  Hey, guess what.  I’m going back to work.  Yes, as soon as I’m released from P.T.  So if you want to back out of this proposal now’s the time.  You look at me and laugh.  I wouldn’t miss this for the world, you say.   I feel like finally the planets have aligned, they are all spinning in my direction.  Life is good.  My son is good so I am absolutely wonderful.  I am laughing and dancing and you are looking at me like I’m crazy.  It’s all ok, no more dirty little secret to hide.  We are free.

In the midst of my joy your phone rings.  I stop and look at your face.  Oh God, what.  Now it is you that needs holding.  We race to the hospital, my joy with Matt forgotten.  The ED is busy.  I rush in ahead and find your Dad.  He is scared and shaky.  I brought Mom in.  She’s been sick all day and has just gotten worse.  I walk into her room and see what no nurse ever wants to see.  You bring Dad in the room.  Ray,  do you see those waves on the monitor.  Yes, they are what we refer to as Firemen.  Your Mom is having a heart attack. I ring her bell and call for help.  Ray, grab your Dad,  this room is about to go crazy.  Doctors and nurses rush in.  Papers are signed.  I grab you both and hit the hallway as your Mom is rushed to the cath lab.  Now we sit, the three of us lost in our own thoughts.  You Dad sits so still, looking so frail.  You are asking questions I really don’t want to answer.  I hate being a nurse.  I want to fix everything.  My addict son and now your ailing mother.  Ok God I think.  What are you doing.  I’m not trying to be selfish but WTH are you doing.  This is crazy.  Just when life was settling down,  just when a little piece of happy and normal came my way.  I look at you and grab your hand.  The wedding will wait.  Your eyes break my heart.  Another mother and son depending on luck and faith to keep them together.  My heart is breaking.  I remember all the times I almost lost Matt.  Ok God,  you win.  I couldn’t stop the chill that gripped my heart.  The demons were laughing as we were praying to save a mother for her son.

 

 

A Tease of Normal

 

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Matt,  I’m still shaking after hanging up.  I can’t believe I was begging for my life.  How did we get to this ugly place.   There is no way I’m going to accept this as our last conversation before I make one of the biggest decisions of my life.  I have to see your face.  I have to look into your eyes and know that you understand that this is no joke.   Lucky for me Ray is traveling on business and will be out of town for a week.  With no job to worry about I can make a quick trip between PT appointments.  I plan my strategy  before heading to the beach.  I go back and forth trying to decide if I call and give you a heads up or just show up like I used to  when I was the Mom police.  I’ve been trying to play the cool Mom, but after finding out that our little piece of heaven in now in jeopardy  I’m not quite sure which Mom I need to be.

Ray leaves for the airport and I grab my bag telling myself that everything will be just fine.  It’s feels like it’s been forever since I made this trip alone.  Memories of my last visit with your grandmother flood my brain and that familiar sensation of choking begins again.   How did we ever get to this place.  How foolish I was to think that your back surgery was the answer to our prayers.  That once you healed, the pain would magically disappear along with the poison pills.   Never thinking those little white demons would lead you on this path of self destruction dragging me along for this ugly ride.   That poison flowing from you to me like a river that could not be stopped.  How would we ever survive the constant assault on our relationship.  You and I become ugly when we fight about your demons.  Now here I am coming to you to plead my case.  To beg my adult, addict son to please allow his mother a little piece of normal, a little slice of happiness in this oh so ugly, unpredictable world  that your addiction has pulled us both into.

As I get closer I feel that familiar tightness starting to strangle my chest.  I roll down the windows to allow the sea air a chance to ease my fear of what I will find when I reach you.  Once again I start talking to myself,  my traveling companions me, myself, and I think about and practice our little speech.  I no longer care what passing cars think when they look over and see me talking to no one.  I just smile and let them pass, thinking how great it would be to be someone else doing something else instead of being me having to face and fix my addict son.

I finally arrive and try to get myself to breathe.  Your truck is in the driveway.  I knock to show you some respect.  I don’t want you to come out fighting about my lack of respecting your privacy by using my key.   I wait and knock again, finally realizing it is quiet.  The dogs aren’t carrying on letting the world know someone has disturbed their quiet day.   Putting my bag back in my car I head for the bay.  I see you in the distance playing with the dogs in the surf.  How handsome you are.  Looking at you from afar my heart feels such joy, such hope that maybe you meant what you said.  Maybe just once you would really try to get clean.  To rid your body of the poison that was killing us both.   I close my eyes and allow myself to remember happier times before the demons found you.  Allow a bit of hope and joy to soothe my anxious soul.  I stop not wanting to disturb you.  I want to remember this moment forever.  To have it burned into my brain.  My son and his dogs playing in the surf.  A moment of normal, a glimpse of happiness in the chaos of our world.  Oh God, please let this be a sign of things to come.  Let me have Matt back.  Let us be that happy, healthy family that my heart so needs us to be.  Please give him the strength to want freedom from the hell that comes at the bottom of his bottle.  I start to walk, the dogs catch my movement and come bounding to me.  Wet sloppy kisses and sandy paws greet me like the old days.  Happy pups spending time with the master they love.  Hey Mom,  I didn’t know you were coming.  You wrap me in that hug and tell me how good it is to finally see me.  You examine my wrist and laugh.  Only you Mom, as that smile once again melts my heart and dissolves  the anger and anxiety I felt thinking about what I might find by the sea.  Oh Matt,  I’ve missed you so much.

We sit and talk about life.  Ray and the wedding.  We laugh as I tell you the reaction I’ve gotten from florists and bakeries when I say yup, you got it, the wedding is in six weeks, yup this September.  We are absolutely cracking up when I tell you that my cake and flowers will be coming from Costco and our reception will be in a tent and catered by Famous Dave’s.  God, it felt so good to be talking about normal life and not your addiction.  Just us laughing like we had no cares in the world.  Like we weren’t hiding our dirty little secret, like we were just a mother and son sharing the funniest of stories.  This shared laughter was just what my broken spirit needed.  Me and you once again just being us, in our favorite place by the sea.  Hey Mom,  I’m walking you down that aisle.  Hey Matt, I wouldn’t have it any other way.

We walk to the house, we are both happy and relaxed.  Oh God, how we needed this little piece of normal to get us back on track.  We order dinner and make plans to get your life in order.  The mortgage, your bills all need tending to but for now I bask in how it feels to make plans with my sober son.  For now you are here, a part of this planning to save both of us from further damage.  A mother and her son planning for the future.  My heart so full of joy, ignored the warning my mind was screaming.  Too good to be true.  Be alert, Don’t let your guard down.  You promise me things will be ok, you promise to stay clean.  You tell me you and Lisa are working it out.   Foolishly, I forget I’ve heard those promises before.  I forget that addiction  tricks you into thinking you have control.  Let’s you think you are safe before it rears its ugly head and drags you back into the abyss.  Shattering hopes and dreams and destroying whoever dare stand in its path.   Just this once I allow myself this fantasy of you and me survivors of hell on earth looking forward to a beautiful future.  Please God, please…….

A Ray of Hope

 

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Matt,  Ray just proposed and I accepted.  I should be jumping for joy, on cloud nine, dancing on air.  Instead all I’m thinking about is our dirty little secret.   How can I bring this great guy into my life of chaos.  You aren’t a child, yet I feel such a responsibility for your life.  You always count on me to bail you out, to fix your screw ups and I somehow always do.  How long would Ray find that acceptable.  How would he feel about me working extra shifts to pay your bills.  How long would it take him to figure it all out.  That I am the best enabler a grown man could ever have.  How would he feel about me then.  More importantly how would he feel about you.

I could never let anyone put you down.  I have seen you battle your demons and have fought by your side.  I don’t know what to do.  I really said yes,  holy crap, what was I thinking.  How could I start a marriage with a lie.  You and I have been thick as thieves keeping your addiction from everyone.  My God, your brother Mike  had no clue.  Thankfully he was stationed in Florida a very safe distance from us.  Busy battling the very people you were buying drugs from.  Not one person in our entire family knew anything about your addiction.  How could I think we were gonna continue to hide when Ray would be under the same roof.  I carried the burden of having a son who was an addict alone and didn’t know if I was ready to share.

Oh God Matt, once again your addiction was casting shadows in my life.  This should be a happy time.  I should be making wedding plans not planning a conversation about how to tell the man I love that if he marries me he will be joining the wild ride that comes with the chaos of addiction.  Hold on to your hat Ray, you are signing up for the ride of your life.  The roller coaster that twists and turns then drops you ten feet sucking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you feeling shocked and pissed all at once.  Welcome to my world you lucky, lucky man.

I call, you answer.  Hey Matt we need to talk.  You sound ok,  just quiet.  Mom, I hate that you are stuck paying the mortgage.  I thought I could pick up side jobs and make up the money.  I thought I could,  Matt, save it I say.  You let this go on for months without even thinking about what would happen.  It’s a mortgage not a credit card bill.  A mortgage, like a big people bill that if you don’t pay you get to leave.  Matt, I’m still trying to figure out how to dig us out of this mess that I had no idea was even being created.  You continue to lie and hide what you are doing and now I am selling my stuff and haven’t even been able to come close to catching us up, and guess what.  I lost my job. Yup, you heard right.  I had to get back two weeks ago to have that wonderful place hold my position.  Guess what Matt, we are so screwed.   So this is the new plan.  Those jet skis gone.  Sell them now and every penny goes to catching up this mortgage.  WTH Mom,  I love those things.  I can’t sell them, that’s so not fair.  Ok, now my heart starts racing and I’m getting pissed.  So let me get this right, I’m trying to remain calm as my brain is screaming selfish brat.  It’s perfectly fine that I sell my stuff but you get to keep your precious toys.  Well I’ll be isn’t that just peachy.  Sell them or I sink them.   BS you scream.  Yup that right Matt.  It is BS that I have picked up the pieces of your mess and now when I ask you to be unselfish and help clean up the mess you created you tell me BS.

Now I’m crying and shouting about how selfish you are, how I hate what your addiction has done to my life, those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness flooding my body as I hate this person I become.  I finally stop sobbing and hear, Your Right Mom.  It’s my fault and I will sell them.  Please don’t cry I hate when we fight.  God Matt, you could always wrap me around your finger.  Just sell one I say.  We’ll start with one and see how much we get.  Once again I go into my protect Matt mode.  Don’t stress him out.  You’ll push him straight to the pills.  Oh and Matt,  I think I’m going to marry Ray.  He asked and I said yes.  Hey Mom, that’s great.  He’s a great guy and you deserve a great guy. You sound just a little too happy.  Almost making me think that you think if I get married  I won’t have time to keep an eye on you and your lifestyle.  That the Mom police will disappear.   Really Matt, you think we can make this work.  He knows nothing about our dirty little secret.  Can I trust you to stay straight.  I need you to be good.  No pills or whatever it is you do when you think I won’t find out.  Please Matt.  I have always been there for you.  Now I need you to do this one thing for me.  I can’t marry him if you’re going to keep screwing up and expecting me to fix it.  Ray deserves better and I won’t bring him into this family if you can’t start to act like a responsible adult.  I really want to be happy Matt.  To have a normal life with the man I love.   Sure Mom, whatever you want.  I’ll do whatever you want.  Matt, somehow those words should have eased my worried mind,  Instead I felt an uneasiness creeping into my bones.  Like a chill warning me to be very careful,  addicts lie my little voice was saying.  They say just what you need to hear pretending to care about you, saying they want you to be happy.  To have a normal life.  To be just one big happy family.  I could almost see the smirk on your face as you said the words I so needed to hear.  Anything for you Mom.  Oh God,  I think I’m going to puke.

Silence, Not Always So Golden

Matt,  The ride home was the longest hour and a half of my life.  The silence between me and your grandmother was deafening.  I couldn’t even try to start a conversation for fear that my carefully constructed  dam would start to crack and my tears would turn to uncontrollable sobs.  I kept staring out the window telling myself that once again I would figure out a way to fix this.  Your grandmother knew something was terribly wrong but was wise enough to keep both her questions and comments to herself.

I was used to doing this drive alone and I used the time to clear my head and start to come up with different plans to fix whatever I happened to find broken on my visits.   Alone, I could talk to myself out loud and cry if I needed to with no one to witness my falling apart.  Just me, myself and I was my joke to myself as all three of us would plan the next stage of battle against your demons.  Having your grandmother in the car robbed me of precious planning time.  I would rehearse my speech to you preparing me for your angry phone calls choosing my words carefully to avoid a screaming match when you found that once again I’d taken your most precious possession and flushed them away.

Instead I sat and watched the scenery pass by trying to hold back the sobs that kept forming in my heart.  How could you keep doing this to us.  Why did those pills mean more to you than anything else.  How did you not understand that it was because of that white poison that your life was so full of chaos.  How much more did you have to lose before you got that ah ha moment.  I guess I just didn’t understand how you could continue to hurt us both so badly.  Carrying our secret was causing such havoc in my life.  I was so consumed with keeping you safe that my own happiness always took a back seat to whatever you needed.

Finally we get home.  I ask your grandmother if she wants to come in and I’m so thankful that she just wants to get herself out of her clothes and into the shower.  Of course she had to let me know that your place was the dirtiest she’d been to in a while.  Oh Mom,  I thought you don’t even have a clue.  His house is the least of my problems.

I let myself in and finally allow the tears to come.  I’m so upset and frustrated with this whole situation.  If only I didn’t break my wrist I tell myself I would have been there to keep a close eye on you.  I constantly blame myself for you slipping back to your demons.  As if I have the power to keep you away from your one true love.  I sit and wait.  watching the clock and rehearsing my speech, knowing that your hateful call will be coming soon.  I say the words that I’ve so carefully chosen over and over again just so in the heat of the moment I can still be that cool Mom who stays rational while you are flipping out.

The phone rings and I jump telling myself to breath and willing my heart to slow down.  For God sake I tell myself, calm down you can handle this.  I answer expecting to hear your voice.  Yes, this is she.  Who is this.  The mortgage company calling to inform me the payment hasn’t been made in six months.  They have given up leaving you messages and found my name and number on your paperwork as I put the down payment on our little piece of heaven by the sea.   Ok, now I’m pissed.  The cool Mom left the building and the mad as hell Mom took her place.

The phone rings again.  This time I’m ready.  The hell with my pretty little speech.  I want answers and I want them now.  Hello.  Mom, what the hell.  Matt, what the hell.  We both start yelling at the same time.  You telling me I disrespected your privacy.  Me telling you I came and cleaned just like you wanted before I was broken.  What’s the matter Matt I ask.  Thought you could just live however and do whatever and take whatever to make all your troubles go away.  What the hell are you doing down there.  What are you spending your money on.  Oh wait,  your spending your money on those little white pills I crushed and flushed.  WTF you scream.  That’s right buddy boy.  I found them and they are gone.  You hang up.  I’m pacing and shaking.  Ok God,  can you fix this one.  What am I going to do.  I’m not working.  I can’t pull extra shifts to get the mortgage caught up.  How can this be happening.  He lost his business, now our house is being put in jeopardy all for the love of demons.  I sit and start to sob.  This is the last straw.  My spirit now broken.  The dogs come and we sit as I try to pull myself together enough to once again come up with a plan to fix the mess your addiction keeps dropping into our lives.

You call again.  The shouting starts.  How dare you Mom.  How dare you come here and take my pills.  Who do you think you are.  How dare I, I scream and who do I think I am I scream.  I’m the one bailing your ass out of every mess your lovely Percs get you into.  I’m the one paying your bills, and taking care of all the shit you throw my way.  I’m the one cleaning your house and your vomit and ducking your punches when your high and coming down hard.  I’m the one calling the rehabs begging to get you in when you are briefly aware that you need help.   I’m the one and only one trying to save your life.  I’m the one who hates the person you become when your demons have control but love the son I know you can be.  You tell me go to hell and hang up.  I’m already in hell I think,  I’ve been in hell for years fighting your demons.  Your addiction has turned my life into a living hell.  I turn off the lights and sit in the dark trying to quiet my mind.   Silence I just need silence.  Stop laughing demons.  This battle is not over…..

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The Endless Summer

Matt, I really believe that was the worst summer of our lives.  I was stuck at home with a useless right arm and you were at the beach free as a bird.  Oh boy, I could see you doing the happy dance.  Except for the fact that you lost your free housekeeping service you knew the Mom police was out of service.   You were one lucky guy.  Just when I had the best excuse in the world to keep an eye on you and continue to play that cool Mom fate stepped in and changed the course of our lives.   I’m stuck at home and you are free to play with your demons.   I was in a constant state of panic and you were relaxing loving the fact that you could do whatever floated your boat with no Mom on your back.

I tried to stay cool just calling everyday and going down my memorized check list.   Making small talk and trying to catch you in the game of lies we had gotten to be such experts in.  So Matt, what’s going on with Lisa.  Are you still taking a break or are you still house hopping.  Yeah Mom,  still house hopping except I’m really liking the nights I’m alone at my house.  We are trying to work things out but I just don’t know.  Oh God,  please help.  Matt alone meant chaos.  Even though Lisa wasn’t my idea of the perfect girl at least she could keep him out of trouble, or so I allowed myself to believe.

Two weeks turned to four.  I was still casted and trying to learn how to live as a left handed girl.  Holy crap I thought this is unbelievable.   Trying to get contacts in was something worthy of a TV commercial.  My cat, Simon liked to curl up in the sink and watch me get it together every morning.  No problem until I became the one arm bandit and dropped my contact on his back in the sink.  My screech had him flying out of the room with my contact still attached to his fur.  Ok, so here I am the one armed, one eyed very pissed mother of an addict who is feeling like she is ready to call it a day, jump back in bed and say the hell with it all!

Finally I give up finding my sweet Simon and open another contact package with my teeth.  I tell you if someone followed me around all day with a camera I would have been a U tube sensation.   Getting dressed was another feat.  I slept in my bra cause that was utterly impossible to get on one handed.  My wardrobe had become sweat shorts and tank tops.  Lovely I thought.  My mass of curls, unwashed was caught up in a band.    This so sucks I said out loud as I came down stairs to greet another day as a helpless human.

My first thing every morning was my call to you.  I had to hear you to run down my mental  checklist of your words.  I knew if I heard Hey Mama we were in deep and I would have to find a way to get to you quickly.  When you didn’t answer I would go to that dark place in my mind.  Are you unconscious, in a ditch, sick, it was always something horrible.   My addicts Mom brain had been so programmed to always think the worst when you didn’t answer that I couldn’t even consider the possibility that you were busy at work and couldn’t answer or that you could be in the shower.  It was always the bad stuff that flooded my mind and set my heart racing when I could not get in touch with you.  Oh Matt.  We were both so sick because of your addiction.

By week six I was out of my mind.  I had been to the surgeon expecting to have my cast removed and hop directly in my car and head to the beach.  I sat in his exam room as he cut off the monster that wrecked my summer thinking great we are done here I need to get on with my life.  As soon as the cast was off my wrist pain shot through my body like I’d been hit by an arrow.  WTH was happening.  Dr. S had me X rayed again.  Sorry, we must recast.  Your wrist was so badly broken you can’t be left without the support of a cast.  Holy crap, once again my plan foiled by fate.  Ok, crap I’m really not in the mood.  What color he asked smiling,  crap I say do you have one that looks like crap cause that is exactly how I’m feeling.

I call you that night and you sound just a little to happy.  No worries Mom you say.  Take care of yourself.  I’m fine.  Oh boy.  red flags shooting up in my brain.  Take care of myself.  Really, put Matt on the phone.  He never would even consider me taking care of myself before taking care of him.  Ok that’s it.  I’m coming down.  I make a few phone calls.  Everyone is either working or hanging out with their family.  Why do you have to get down there so quickly is the million dollar question.  How can I even start to explain the lie I have kept hidden for years.  No worries I tell everyone.  Crap I’m thinking.  My last resort, my Mom.  She knows nothing about Matt and his addiction and I planned to keep it that way.  Maybe just maybe I could get her to drive me to Matts and suggest that she stop by to see my cousin who as luck would have it lived very close to Matt.

Thank you God I think as my Mom pulls up in my driveway.  I can tell by her reaction that I look absolutely marvelous.  When was the last time you washed your hair she asked.  Hi Mom, nice to see you too.  We drive and catch up.  I told her I broke my wrist slipping off my deck after a bad rainstorm.  She would have lectured me to death if I told her I was mountain biking with my boyfriend,  hell she didn’t even know I had a boyfriend.  I hid Ray from her like I hid Matt’s addiction from the world.  We get to Matts place and I tell her just to drop me off.  I’m so afraid of what I might find when I open the door.  We hear the dogs barking.  Matts Jeep is gone.  Thank God I think, at least I won’t find him out of it on the couch.

Like all Grandmothers she’s curious to see how her grandson lives.   Oh no she says.  I didn’t drive all this way not to see Matts place.  Oh God,  Oh God,  I can’t even imagine what is behind this door.  I find the key in my pocket.  I feel that familiar chest tightness, the lump forming in my throat.  The door opens.  The dogs happily greet us temporarily blocking the mess we are about to encounter.   Oh God, the mess.  I can’t even bring myself to look at my mother.  The tears forming in my eyes as I run to the back door leading the dogs out to the fenced yard.  Matt,  my heart breaks.  All the signs of your return to the demons are here.  Your Grandmother looks at me with shock on her face.  Takes off her coat and says let’s get to work.  I pretend the tears running down my face are from the pain of my wrist.  She does not question just gets to work washing your dishes and wiping your counters.  Oh Matt,  I can’t believe we are back to that dark place.  I can hear your demons laughing.  Hey Mom,  you weren’t here to save him.  HaHaHa.  Your grandmother keeps busy in the kitchen.  I go into your bedroom and close the door.  I let out the sob that has been building in my heart.  I try to lift your mattress one handed using my shoulder to keep it elevated while I searched your favorite hiding place.  Nothing.  Ok I tell myself.  Calm down, breathe.  I dust and vacuum your bedroom then start in the living room.  All the time my eyes are searching for that familiar bottle, praying that I’m over reacting to your neglect of the house.  Your Grandmother knows something is wrong but seeing my face keeps her thoughts to herself.  I’m screaming in my mind, No, No, No,  this can’t be happening again.  I can’t keep doing this again.

As fate would have it or maybe it was divine intervention, your Grandmother comes to me.  Here she says.  I found these in the kitchen cabinet.  She hands me a bottle. My heart skips a beat, I try to hide the horror as she puts the bottle in my hand.  Maybe this will help your pain.  Maybe you should take one.  You look like you’re in horrible pain.  Oh God Mom,  I wish I could tell you the pain I’m in.  It has nothing to do with my wrist.  Your grandson is an addict.  I carry this burden alone.  You just handed me a pot of gold and you haven’t a clue how grateful I am that you found this monster.

I go into the bathroom pretending to get a drink to take this pill.  I shut the door and cover my mouth to muffle the sobs coming from my soul.  I hold the bottle in my hand looking at the label.  I will be making a call to this pill pushing doctor.  I empty the pills in the sink and fill it with water.  I watch the pills start to dissolve as I beat them with your shaving can.  I beat and beat until they are no more.  I try to compose myself before facing your grandmother.  She is not stupid but knows this isn’t the time to question.  I leave the empty bottle in your bedroom.  I know and you will know that I know as soon as you put your key in the door.  I was going to leave you a note but the empty bottle is all I have to say…

 

 

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