Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 7)

He Is Risen

April 5, 2026 /

 Matt, today is Easter.  We went to church as the sun was shining and walked out into the rain.   I guess the weather is mimicking my soul as I’m silently crying inside thinking of all the Easter’s you have missed. 

I remember how much you loved Easter not for going to church but for the baskets and hunts where you would fill your bag with candy as you ran around with the kids seeking out every egg you could find.  I remember the chocolate ring around your mouth as you ran up to me so proud of your stash.  

Even as an adult you still loved it when I made you your own basket filled with your childhood favorite candy.  You would look at me and smile telling me you’re too old for an Easter basket as you picked through the candy and popped one into your mouth.  

When you moved home we would attend church together.   I loved the fact that you had faith and it made me so happy to share our thoughts about Jesus and Heaven.   Now that you are gone I wonder if you have found that peace promised to us in the Bible.  I wonder if you’re healed and healthy.  I wonder if you know the love of your Heavenly Father and if you’re surrounded by beauty, peace, love and joy.  

Somedays are torture as my faith is challenged, as my grief wraps me up in despair and the doubt slowly creeps in.   I wonder if this is all there really is and when you’re gone you’re just gone.  That is just too much to bear.  That is when the panic of never seeing you again starts to squeeze my heart and take my breath away.  Those moments are when I have to cling to my faith, cry out to Jesus and pray that the Bible is full of truth.  That Jesus did exist and rise to Heaven.  I have to believe that today Easter Sunday He has risen and you are with him living in paradise.  I have to believe that one day we will be together again never to be separated.  That there will be no more weeping or grief.  That when my time comes, yours will be the first face I see and we will once again walk by the sea we both love surrounded by all the pups we have ever loved.  Jesus will be walking beside us laughing as we catch up on all you have missed.  

Oh Matt, I pray you have found your peace.  That you know the love of your Heavenly Father and you are surrounded by peace and joy.  I can’t imagine the celebration of Easter in Heaven I can only dream of what you are living because He has risen.  


 

Eleven Years and A Thousand Tears.

January 2, 2026 /

Eleven years and a thousand tears….. Matt eleven years ago on a Friday night we spoke at 6:23. You were driving home from work and we talked about our weekend plans. You were going to meet your friends on the beach in Boca and I was going to spend a 12 hour shift taking care of sick babies in the NICU.

We continued our conversation just talking about how we spent our day and when I found out you left your ear piece at home I cautioned you about paying attention when you were driving.

We ended our conversation with saying I love you and that we would speak tomorrow. Sadly tomorrow never came for us.

On Saturday morning I expected to hear from you. I was busy in the NICU with a sick baby so my mind was occupied with my patients needs. By 10 am I started to get worried and took a break to call you. When you didn’t answer I thought you were at the beach enjoying your favorite place. Little did I know you took your last breath at 4:50 am in a hotel room in Boca Raton.

Tonight I sit staring at the clock. Wondering what was going through your mind. Thinking that 11 years ago you were still here on the earth making plans for your future. You were alive. You were laughing. We were talking about when I would see you again.

My body remembers. My chest is tight. My throat feels like I’m being strangled. My breath feels heavy. My brain remembers hearing the words that changed the trajectory of my life, “it’s Matt, he’s dead.” I remember hearing the screams not knowing they were coming from my soul. I remember wanting to die to catch you before you got too far away from me.
I remember being numb for months as my brain protected me from the reality it knew I could not handle.

Tonight those memories are flooding my soul as I struggle to catch my breath. My brain knows it’s been 11 years, but my soul screams how…..

Birthday Wishes From Earth to Heaven.

July 30, 2025 /

Matt,  Today would have been your 48th birthday. I should be on my way to the beach to spend time with you on your special day. You and I would spent time together on the beach, taking the dogs watching their joy as they ran through the surf while we caught up on life.  We would be planning our dinner feast of crabs, shrimp and beer.   We would be heading to JD Shuckers your favorite restaurant.  Our family would be together at our happy place to celebrate you. 

But today our reality is much different from my dreams for your birthday.  For you are forever 37 and this is your 10th birthday in heaven.  

Today I will spend the morning letting my grief pour out from my soul.  Looking through every album I own with pictures of our life.  Beautiful memories of a life with two boys who were always together.  Boys staring back at the camera with innocent, beautiful faces. You with your green eyes and Mike with his blue eyes. 

Pictures of you with that smile and those beautiful eyes staring back at me through all the phases of your life.  Pictures that prove you lived. Beautiful memories of your life from infancy through adulthood.  Looking so happy and healthy.  It is so hard for me to understand this reality.  My brain knows you are gone.  My heart struggles with the truth. 

Today there will be no family party.  No cake, no funny card.  I will never see you with your brother standing side by side laughing about how your both over the big 4 0. 

Brothers laughter blending together as you tell stories of childhood antics that mom should never know. Sharing your accomplishments in life as your children listen at your feet. 

Your brother, Mike  will never know the joy of being an uncle.   He will never know the joy of holding his brothers children in his arms or teaching them to run through the surf with you by his side.   He will never watch his younger brother discover the joys and heartbreaks of being a father.  

Mike will never have the opportunity to take your son fishing or show your daughter treasures saved from your childhood.  He will never be able to offer advice or share his list of do’s and don’ts of fatherhood.   There will be no more children squealing with joy as that new puppy comes running into their arms.   No more brothers sharing the secret of what makes a house a home. 

No more pictures of my boys with arms wrapped over each other’s shoulders.  No more memories of happy times as we celebrate you growing older.  No more handsome faces staring back at the camera telling me to stop with the pictures already.  No more blended laughter for your mother to hear. 

Losing you is losing a future of love, laughter and beautiful memories.  Losing you has left an undeniable void in our lives.  Losing you is never seeing my boys together again.  Never hearing your laughter as you tell your children stories about your childhood sharing secrets that only your brother would know. Losing you is never dancing at your wedding.  Losing you is never sharing the joy of holding your newborn child for the first time. Losing you has split my life into the before and after. 

Pictures of me before your death are almost unrecognizable to me.  A real smile. Similar green eyes staring back at the camera.  Happiness shining through every photo.  Today my pictures reflect an emptiness in my eyes.  A forced smile. A face broken by grief.  Pictures of before and after tell the story of how grief changed me from the inside out.  Pictures showing a shadow of who I used to be. 

Reality is that I will never see you coming through my door with your children in tow.  That smile and those eyes forever gone.  No mini Matt’s for me to spoil and hug.  No future generation to share stories of your childhood antics.  No more of you.  

How I wish Heaven had visiting hours just for these special days. I would throw myself into your arms and never let you go.  I would tell you how much your loss has changed my life. I would tell you over and over again how much I love you. How sorry i am for every minute we wasted arguing about your disease. I would let you know that I finally understand and how if given the chance would do things over so differently. That if I knew then what i know now you would be here.  I would beg you to forgive me and to stay with me forever. 

Today I will honor your life.  I will let my grief have its way.  Today I will let my tears flow no longer fighting or pretending that I am ok.  Today I will remember the joy you brought to my life.  I will allow myself the gift to grieve. To feel the profound loss of your death.  

Today I will close my eyes and remember your hugs, your voice, your smile.  Today I will wrap myself up in you knowing that I will grieve for what should have been for the rest of my life.

Dance on the stars.  Be the light in the sunrise.  Let me feel your kiss on the gentle breeze that touches my cheek.  Let me hear your laughter in the surf and know that you are near.  I pray that heaven is your beautiful beach and one day we will walk together by the sea.  Until then fly free my beautiful boy knowing that my heart is where you are 

Missing You, Missing Me.

June 8, 2025 /

Matt,   After months of feeling like crap I finally got a diagnosis.  Apparently I have hyperparathyroid.  Never have I been so happy to know I’m not going crazy.  That all these symptoms are really caused by a physical condition.  

I also feel so defeated.  I feel like since your death my body has turned on me.  At least my scans showed no evidence of cancer.  All I wanted was to have a good summer, and all I’ve gotten is a real shit show.  Who would have ever thought a little organ could cause so much havoc on the human body.  

I have to see a surgeon in a week because the only way to fix this is to have another surgery.   To say I’m scared is an understatement.  I never thought I’d be facing this again.  

I feel like God has stopped listening to my prayers.  I prayed for you to kick your addiction and you didn’t.  I guess I’m just feeling abandoned by Him.  I wish you were here to tell me it’s all going to be ok.  Life is just so hard sometimes and it just makes your absence harder than it already is. 

I wonder if you know what’s happening down here. I wonder if you have found your peace.  I guess I’ll always wonder what it’s like where you are.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and share my life with you.  

I will wonder for the rest of my life….please give me a sign if you can.  I really need to know you’re still with me at least in spirit.  

Pennies From Heaven

May 10, 2025 /

Matt,  tomorrow is Mother’s Day, my tenth without you.  I went to your garden at church the other day to fill the bird feeders and plant some marigolds and geraniums to bring some beauty after such a long winter.

I talk to you when I’m there letting you know I’m taking care of your peaceful place and all the wildlife that come to visit on a daily basis.  

I always hear of moms finding pennys or dimes in the most unlikely places, but I’ve never had that experience happen to me.  I do ask you for signs every day but lately I’m just resigned myself that you either can’t send them or don’t hear my requests.

I was so obsessed with getting the flowers placed just so around your cross that I almost missed it.  A penny was sitting on the stones that hold your garden in place.  At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I realized it was right there in front of where I was standing.  

It wasn’t shiny or new, it looked like it had seen many years of being used as currency.  I remember picking it up and running my thumb over the front.  I kept rubbing it between my two fingers hoping to feel you.  I became curious as I flipped it over wondering when it was made.  

At first I thought I was seeing things.  I rubbed the date and moved into the sun to see the date more clearly.  When I realized what I was seeing I was shocked and almost breathless.  The date was 2015, the year you left this earth.  I continued to look not trusting my eyes.  I sat on the bench and held the penny in my hand.  I looked up at the sky wondering if this tiny little penny was that sign I’d been asking for.  

Of all the dates it could have been it was the year you left and broke my heart.  How did it get there just placed on a rock in your garden.  I brought it home with me and placed it in a safe spot next to the bandanna you always wore at work.  

A gift from heaven the week of Mother’s Day when I’m missing you so much.  Thank you my beautiful boy for letting me know you are near.   Love you forever.  Mom  

 

 

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