Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 7)

Pennies From Heaven

May 10, 2025 /

Matt,  tomorrow is Mother’s Day, my tenth without you.  I went to your garden at church the other day to fill the bird feeders and plant some marigolds and geraniums to bring some beauty after such a long winter.

I talk to you when I’m there letting you know I’m taking care of your peaceful place and all the wildlife that come to visit on a daily basis.  

I always hear of moms finding pennys or dimes in the most unlikely places, but I’ve never had that experience happen to me.  I do ask you for signs every day but lately I’m just resigned myself that you either can’t send them or don’t hear my requests.

I was so obsessed with getting the flowers placed just so around your cross that I almost missed it.  A penny was sitting on the stones that hold your garden in place.  At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I realized it was right there in front of where I was standing.  

It wasn’t shiny or new, it looked like it had seen many years of being used as currency.  I remember picking it up and running my thumb over the front.  I kept rubbing it between my two fingers hoping to feel you.  I became curious as I flipped it over wondering when it was made.  

At first I thought I was seeing things.  I rubbed the date and moved into the sun to see the date more clearly.  When I realized what I was seeing I was shocked and almost breathless.  The date was 2015, the year you left this earth.  I continued to look not trusting my eyes.  I sat on the bench and held the penny in my hand.  I looked up at the sky wondering if this tiny little penny was that sign I’d been asking for.  

Of all the dates it could have been it was the year you left and broke my heart.  How did it get there just placed on a rock in your garden.  I brought it home with me and placed it in a safe spot next to the bandanna you always wore at work.  

A gift from heaven the week of Mother’s Day when I’m missing you so much.  Thank you my beautiful boy for letting me know you are near.   Love you forever.  Mom  

 

 

Fighting For My Life

March 19, 2025 /

Matt,  these last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with horrible anxiety.  I actually went to the doctor, and you know how much I hate going.  I spilled my guts over all I’ve been going through and how I’m feeling like I’m losing my mind.  I never thought I’d be impacted by mental health issues cause I’ve always been so strong in getting through this crazy time.  

She prescribed Lexapro and told me it should help.  Well, let me tell you that drug made me feel worse.   I had days where I felt worse than before taking it.  After a week I called her and told her I had to stop.  Then I had to get through the withdrawal process and continue to feel awful for days.   So now she has prescribed Celexa.  But before I could try I wanted to get the lexapro out of my system.  And of course,  I get a head cold.  Ahhhh.  

So now I’m battling this cold and struggling to maintain my health and sanity before I can even give the new med a try.   I just want to get back to me.   Even though I was broken after your loss I was never this dark.  I now understand what you might have been gone through with your addiction.   I too want that magic pill to take this all away.  

I wish I could have been more compassionate about your use.  I never knew how powerful the mind is over controlling your thoughts and emotions which then leads to physical symptoms.  

All I can say is I hope you have forgiven me for being so blind to your feelings and anxiety.   I hope you know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.   I pray you are healed and free from any pain both physical and mental.  

Please know you will never be forgotten and I pray one day we will be able to feel peace and joy in Heaven together.  

 

It’s Said All Dogs Go To Heaven.

December 28, 2024 /

 

Matt,  yesterday we lost our precious Scarlett.   She started to get sick 3 weeks ago and it just went downhill so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  I feel like it’s losing another piece of you all over again.  

I remember getting the call about a little dog who had been set on fire in Georgia.  Thank God she survived but she needed her burn cared for and since I was a nurse the rescue called to see if I could foster her.  

I remember asking if you wanted to take a ride to go get this pup.  We both loved dogs so I knew you would be on board.   We arrived at the rescue and walked into the barn to a kennel full of healthy lab pups.  I remember we both looked confused as these pups were perfectly fine.  

We kept walking around and finally found this tiny little pup with a hairless back due to the severity of the burns.  

I remember you reaching into her crate and bringing out the tiniest little baby.   She fit into the palm of your hand.  We decided to name her Scarlett to make a little beauty out of the trauma she suffered.  

She curled up in your hand and slept all the way home.  She was so tiny we had to find a collar in the ferret department.  

We soon learned that in that tiny body was the spirit of a big dog.   She fit right in with our pack.  Her personality was unique.  She quickly became the boss of the pack and of us.   She learned to spin and twirl in front of the biscuit jar to ensure she got her treat.  

I had 12 amazing years of loving our precious girl.  You loved snuggling with her and one day I captured you in what world turn out to be the last picture of you and Scarlett.  

It happened so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  So unexpected just like your death.  One week she was good then she wasn’t.  Refusing to eat or drink no matter what was offered.  We tried everything just like we did for you.   The vet said kidney failure.  Nothing could reverse the damage.  We loved her to the end.  Her last day was spent in my arms.  I remember telling her to look for her Uncle Matt that you would be there waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I laid her on her  bed in front of the sunny window letting her feel the warmth of the sun as she did on so many occasions.   

I talked to you letting you know what was happening.  I wondered if you heard me.  As she took her last breaths did you hear me calling out to you?  I can only pray that she is in your arms now.  That you are both happy and healthy.  That the rainbow bridge is connected to Heaven and one day we will share hugs and puppy kisses once again.  

 

Signs From Heaven At Christmas

December 24, 2024 /

Matt,   Today I was assembling backpacks for a homeless Christmas outreach and of course I’m thinking of you.  I’ve been doing A Hug From Matt ever since you left me behind.  I do this ministry for the homeless to keep your memory alive and to honor your life.  

As I was going through a bag of new donations I pulled out this hat. I stood there holding it in my hands as memories flooded my mind.  I haven’t seen a Snap On hat for years. I remember you wearing yours in winter.  Snap On gifted you a hat one winter for being a steady customer.  I never knew what became of it.  I never found it when I was going through your things.  

As I hugged the hat to my heart I felt a warmth spread through my body. It was as if I was getting a hug from you.  It was the first time I’ve felt a little bit of joy this holiday season.  The holidays continue to be swirling with grief as I realize it’s another year without you.  I’m trying to believe in signs especially this time of year.  

I try to imagine Christmas in Heaven and what you must be experiencing.  I pray it’s peaceful, full of beauty and joy surrounded by love and light.  

I will miss you everyday of my life.  Merry Christmas in Heaven my beautiful boy.  Thanks for the gift of a hat that carried you to me.  

 

 

 

 

Seasons Change Grief Remains

October 3, 2024 /

Matt,   It’s October 3rd 9 years and 9 months since you left me.  I think of how long it’s been since I’ve seen your face or heard your voice and it still takes my breath away.  

The trees are changing color.  The geese are flying past the house honking as if to say hello we know.  I remember all those times we would be together in the car and see the geese overhead.  We would roll down the windows and listen to the beautiful sound of their voices crying out.  Every time I hear that sound I close my eyes and try to remember your beautiful smile.  

This fall is especially hard.  I guess it’s another season you will never see.  I remember how much you loved fall at the beach.  The weather was still perfect and the crowds you hated were gone.  It was once again you and the pups enjoying the emptiness as you walked through the surf with the dogs by your side.  

I remember so many beautiful days shared by the sea.  We both loved the solitude of just us and the pups.  We had so many conversations about life.  How we both envisioned it to be. Sharing our hopes and dreams.  Little did we know the future would destroy those dreams.  That you would be gone and I’d be left behind trying to make sense out of the pieces left behind.  

I often wonder how I have survived all these years.  It never ceases to shock me that almost ten years have pasted without you in my daily life.  That you are gone, truly gone. 

I’ve been dealing with grief and cancer all wrapped up in one overwhelming upheaval in this life I’ve tried to survive. So now a new season is upon us.  A new season of grief. As Mother Nature turns her page and begins her transformation I ache to go back in time.  To those beautiful, innocent days when our family was whole.  Before the fabric was torn never to be repaired to its original form. 
I’m left with no choice but to walk through this season as I’ve walked through so many others.  Always looking over my shoulder wondering what if 9 years and 9 months ago fate had intervened and saved your life.  What if……….

 

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