Matt, Today is New Years Day, the frenzy of the holiday season has come to a close. All the stress of preparing for the perfect Christmas has melted away. The world has returned to a quiet state, even the Hallmark movies have been returned to the shelves waiting for the next holiday season.
8 years ago you were celebrating New Years Day on the beach in Florida. We both spoke of our hopes and dreams for the new year. Both of us fooled into thinking you beat your demons and we would see each other again in a few weeks.
I was booked on a flight in February to leave frigid Delaware and join you in sunny Florida getting a glimpse into your new life. I remember asking you to look into hotels around your sober home so we could spend as much time together while I was there. I dreamed of meeting your friends. Of seeing where you worked. Of seeing where you now called home.
Little did I know that in 2 days you would be gone and all my dreams would be shattered at my feet. So now my body remembers. My heart is anxious. My soul is in a state of unrest. My mind is flooded with memories of plans that never came to be. My body aches as I know January 3rd is quickly approaching and I’m struggling to survive knowing I haven’t heard your voice or seen your handsome face for 8 years.
I wonder how long this pain will live in my heart. Will the marching of time ever start to dull it. Each New Year is a reminder of what will never be. I wonder if you know. I wonder if you see how your death has impacted my life.
This New Year I will continue to pray that you have found your peace. That you are whole and healed. I will pray for strength to walk through this new year without you hoping that one day, one year I will find my peace.