Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Tag: sons birthday in heaven

Happy Heavenly Birthday

July 29, 2026 /

Matt tomorrow would have been your 49th birthday. I should be planning on a beach trip to spend the day with you. We would be eating crabs and probably drinking beer, but rather than planning to celebrate I’m planning on feeding the homeless in your honor.

Tomorrow Ray and I will head down to Georgetown to sponsor “A Hug From Matt Day.” This event will take place at The Shepherds Office, an amazing house run by Jim Martin. Everyday he feeds the hungry and homeless and provides comfort and support for those in need.

This is our 4th year honoring your birthday by giving back to the community so many have forgotten. This is the community you taught me about when you were here. People whose families gave up on them and thought rock bottom was the answer. Your compassion for that man on the corner shivering in a threadbare coat has stayed in my heart. You told me to stop the car on that dark corner. I remember holding my breath as you got out of the car and approached him like he was a long lost friend.

I sat quietly as you took off your warm coat and handed it to him. He looked shocked and then smiled as if he just won the lottery. We gave him the food we had bought for dinner, as you returned to the car I’ll never forget your words. “Mom, I have a warm home and plenty of clothes, that’s all he has.” I hugged you and cried all the way home.

That is your legacy my beautiful boy. A legacy of compassion and love for those who have so little. After you died so many called me or came to the house. Strangers telling me stories of your generous kindness. How you saved them from their demons and showed them they mattered.

You have made me a better person. No one is a stranger. Everyone deserves a chance in life. So tomorrow we will feed all those who have become my Matt’s. We will give out backpacks full of food and toiletries to all in need. We will share your spirit of kindness and compassion and continue your legacy of love.

Matt my heart breaks for how life turned out for us. That we were robbed of so many years and memories that could have been made. So many adventures we missed. Know you live on in my heart and will never be forgotten.

Happy Heavenly Birthday my beautiful boy.
#homelesslivesmatter #griefjourney.

The Invisible Cord From Earth to Eternity

July 30, 2023 /

Matt,   Today is your birthday.  You should be turning 46.  I should be buying a cake, a card, and a little something for you to enjoy.  Instead I’m spending the afternoon serving burgers and hotdogs to the hungry and homeless in the city.  

I really wanted to go to the beach.  To sit on the sand.  To drive by your house.  But I’ve done that on your past birthdays and it has always left me so broken with all the why’s and what if’s that I knew I should not do it again.  

I wanted to do something different today, so I brought your favorite foods to the Emmanuel Dining Room and spent time with amazing people who serve others every day.  When I walked in I began to feel like I made a mistake, but as people began to introduce themselves I felt like I was absolutely meant to be there.

When I told them today was your birthday but you were not here to celebrate with me, another mother came over to me and asked about you.  I was able to share your story with someone who when I looked into her eyes I knew she also knew that grief of child loss.  It was an immediate connection as she then shared her sons story. 


A feeling of peace came over me as I watched those being fed smile and look my way with gratitude.  I felt a connection to you in the eyes of strangers.  I remember you sharing your food with a homeless man and in that moment I knew you were there standing next to me rooting me on as I tried to change a sad day into something meaningful.  

I’ve read there is a permanent bond, an invisible connection between a mother and her child.  Today I felt you.  I saw your smiling face in every person we served.  Today my heart was full of joy and love.  So grateful for the years we had together.  For all the birthdays you were here to celebrate with me.  

Today I felt you smiling down on me giving me the strength to make it through this day.  You and I are connected through space and time.  I live to honor your life.  Until we meet again I wish you a beautiful birthday dancing on the stars.  Forever in my heart ♥️

 

Forever 37 Forever In My Heart 💜

July 29, 2022 /

“I’ve seen fire and I’ve seen rain. I’ve seen sunny days that I thought would never end. I’ve seen lonely times when I could not find a friend. But I always thought I’d see you again”.

Matt, tomorrow July 30th is your birthday. I never thought you would be celebrating in heaven 🙏🏻.

Even though it’s been 8 birthdays without you here, my heart still breaks thinking about what could have been. You always loved birthdays. You were the first one to run your finger thru the icing laughing as I tried to slap your hands away. I can still see your smile and hear your laughter as you ducked while sticking your icing covered fingers into your mouth.

Even as an adult You would celebrate like a kid. Blowing out candles and making a wish thinking I didn’t see you sharing cake with the dogs.
You were a boy in a man’s body and I loved that about you.

You should be turning 45 but you are forever 37. I wonder what you would look like today. Would you have any gray starting to show. Would you have a wife and children. What would life be like for both of us had your disease not won. So many unanswered questions dance through my heart and head…

Tomorrow I will honor you. Tomorrow I will spend the day by the sea that you loved. Tomorrow I will help feed the homeless showing them that their life’s matter and they are loved.

Tomorrow we will serve Italian subs, your favorite food and give out 100 backpacks from A Hug From Matt.

Tomorrow tears will be shed but I will continue to follow your lead in helping those the world forgot. I will tell your story and celebrate your life that was cut too short.

Tomorrow and everyday of my life I will celebrate you my beautiful boy.
Happy birthday in heaven. Forever 37. Until we meet again.
Love you forever. Mom ❤️❤️

44 and So Much More

July 29, 2021 /

 

Matt, tomorrow, July 30th will be your 44th birthday.  Sadly you no longer live on earth, you were called to heaven seven birthdays ago.  Today my mood changes like the waves of the ocean we both love so much. 

One minute the wave is small and kind.  A memory of you as a child will bring a smile to my soul.  Allowing me to rise above the pain your loss has imprinted on my soul.  Then, without warning the big one comes out of nowhere pulling me out into the grip of the undertows forcing me to fight for my breath as the reality of tomorrow plays havoc on my heart. ❤️

Tomorrow I will be where you were.  I will walk on the beach we once walked on together.  I will feel the ocean breeze on my cheek pretending it is a soft kiss from you.  I will look out over the vastness of the sea wondering if you know I’m here.  Wondering if Heaven really is a beach like we always hoped it would be. I will drive past your house and make sure she is being loved as she was when she belonged to you.  I will allow the memories to come bringing both pain and pleasure as I remember the times we shared together in the house we both loved. 

As night falls, I will search the sky for your sign.  I will search for the brightest star blowing a kiss to the heavens hoping it touches your cheek.  I will say a prayer that you are healthy and healed sharing your birthday with Jesus.  I hope you will feel my love floating from earth to the heavens searching for you.

Oh my beautiful boy, you will never know how much you are missed.  How much you are loved.  How I would do anything to have you standing at the door with the pups at your feet as I park in your driveway.  Grabbing your presents out of my car as you walk closer with those beautiful eyes and amazing smile.  You wrap me in a hug as you try to peek in the bags.  The dogs dancing at our feet as we walk together into our house by the sea.  

I remember the picture I bought when you first moved in.  It was a house on the sea and quoted “Heaven is a little closer in a house by the sea.”   My precious boy how I pray you are in that house in heaven and the sea is your playground.  Until we meet again I will always feel closer to you by the sea. ❤️

Happy birthday my beautiful boy🙏🏻

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