Matt, I finally understand. The need to escape the world in which we have nothing but pain and stress. Until it happened to me I could never comprehend how chronic pain could suck the joy out of life. I could never understand the power of the anxiety that walks hand in hand with this pain.
This summer has been a shit show. June 24th I go to Penn for my 6th month CT. figuring its been 4 years of clean scans, I was really not thinking anything would have the nerve to pop up after this time. You know Cancer is a lot like addiction. It fools you into thinking you are in control then it slaps you in the face with that powerful GOT YA.
They find a nodule in the base of my right lung. Seems the little shit has been there for 3 years growing like a nasty weed that you just can’t seem to get rid of. Now it’s reached the danger zone and something needs to be done.
So now I have to go through what they call a simulation test. Sounds so simple, but it’s pure hell. It’s a combination CT and PET scan where you lay on a hard metal table for what seems like forever. I remember how after your back surgery you were always so uncomfortable laying on your back. As I lay there I replayed many conversations we had about your pain. Still no matter how much you tried to explain to me I never got it. Well, believe me as I lay there I got it.
The results show a minimal uptake in my spine at the surgical site and that damn little nodule in my lung. So now it’s an MRI of my spine to rule out recurrence of cancer. Another 45 minutes on a hard, cold table. Believe me I got it.
Then a week of panic attacks. Feeling like I wasn’t going to survive another minute of worry and wondering what fun was coming my way.
Oh, I found out God does have a sense of humor. As if I wasn’t stressed out enough, the cat does a ninja warrior move and breaks her leg. The dog gets sick as well. So now between running to the vet and having to confine a very active cat who’s now wearing a cast I have very little time to think about me. Thanks God..
The outcome of all this is more radiation to my already glowing, beat up body. I remember when you would go for walks with me and you walked like an old man. Well Matt, I walk like an old lady. I experience the panic attacks and the anxiety you did. I remember you taking Xanax to help you cope. I now take Xanax to help me cope.
I never understood your struggles until they became mine. Until I walked that same broken road with the same broken body. How I wish I could talk to you. The first thing I would tell you is how sorry I am for not showing you more compassion. For not doing all I could to understand where you were coming from. I believed you were just taking those pills for the hell of it. I never realized you were taking those pills to not just survive your life but to get a reprieve from the constant pain.
We are so alike. I never realized this until you left and my life fell apart. I can’t tell you how many times I want to call you and spill my guts. To find ways that we could both survive the pain without having to die seeking relief.
I know it’s too late, but I wanted you to know that finally I Get It.
Love Forever, Mom
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