Matt, we’ve passed the 9 year mark of me surviving your death. For some reason, this 9th year has hit me harder than I could have ever imagined.
I continue to struggle with the fact that time has flown by. My mind knows but my heart continues with disbelief. It almost feels like that horrible second year, when the reality replaced the fog and the weight of grief settled into my heart.
I was a guest on a podcast about grief yesterday. So many of the topics we discussed hit home for me. We talked about society and how it places a time limit on grief. Sadly, most people who feel that grief has its limitations have never suffered the devastating loss of a child.
We also discussed many faucets of grief such as the fear of not remembering the sound of our loved one voice. Matt, that is one of my biggest fears. You never left me voice mails. Texting was your form of communication. Believe me, I have screenshotted all of your text messages and treasure each one. But what I crave is to hear your voice once again.
There are days when I sit quietly by myself, closing my eyes. I try to conjure up your face, your smile, and your voice. Some days it all comes rushing back. Other times I feel like you are drifting farther and farther away. Those days I feel a panic set in as I never want to ever forget anything about you. Sadly, the brain can only hold so much memory. Grief brain is capable of so much less.
This year will be a bigger challenge than I could have ever imagined. There is no truth in the statement that the passage of time heals. For me the passage of time is a tragedy as I struggle to remember the essence of you. ❤️