Matt, tonight is Halloween. I Thought after all these years I would be ok seeing the kids skipping down the street dressed in a variety of costumes.
I did ok as the kids came up to the door yelling Trick or Treat. It was so sweet watching them root through the candy bowl searching for their favorite treats. Their smiling faces warmed my heart making me laugh as they politely said thank you and waved goodbye.
Everything was good until I opened the door and two little boys stood on the steps. Their blond hair sticking out from under their hats. Two sets of green eyes looking into mine. Oh God, I felt like I was looking at your children. I felt like I was given a precious glimpse of what life could have been like had you survived your addiction.
I stood on the steps with them drinking in every second. Allowing them to choose as many pieces of candy as their little hands could handle. I wanted to wrap them up in a hug. I wanted to close my eyes and picture you standing there with your boys. I wanted to hear you say Hi Mom.
I fought back tears as they walked away hand in hand.
Closing the door I let my tears flow. I sat and allowed all those memories of you and Mike on Halloween run through my mind. How much you loved to dress up. How you wolfed down your dinner and ran out the door as soon as darkness hit.
Those memories of Halloweens so long ago are bittersweet. They are heartwarming and heartbreaking all wrapped in the complicated waves of grief.