I slipped the bottle into my pocket as you walked into the room. Your hair still wet, a towel around your shoulders. I looked directly into your eyes wondering if you knew. We had played this game before, you hide I seek. I needed to get away just for a bit to stifle the scream that was building in my throat. I told you we needed to eat, something healthy, not the moldy leftovers in your fridge. I remember running out the door and putting my hand over my mouth to prevent you from hearing my sobs.
I drove to the water blinded by my tears. I parked and took my anger out on that bottle. I had a baggie in my car and I dropped those demons into the bag and began to beat my dashboard with those ugly pills, sobbing with each hit. Why Matt, Why…..
After they were nothing but a white powder, I grabbed my water and drowned them. I emptied that bag into the ocean praying the waves would carry the demons away.
you were dressed, clean shaven and looked at me with that look that said it all. Half hate, half sorrow, you knew. Mom, what did you do. Where are my pills? You don’t understand. I need them. Soon I will get sick. It’s been too long, my body knows and I will get ugly.
Matt, we can get through this. I’m a nurse I will help you. Mom, you have no idea how bad it will get. No Matt I don’t, but I will not leave your side. We will ride this storm as long as it takes. I will never leave you and if it becomes out of my control I will get you to a safe place. Mom, please I’m scared. I am too Matt, but my love for you is stronger than my fear. We will fight this battle together. Little did I know this would be one of the many battles Matt and I would fight. Thinking back, I kept Matt’s addiction a secret from his brother Mike, he was in The Coast Guard fighting drug battles in the Caribbean, I was fighting the same battle at home.