Tag: recovery (Page 4 of 7)

Matt,  That was the longest week of my life.  Having no contact with you was killing me.  I was so used to talking to you at least everyday sometimes when I was really worried I’d  call you twice.   But after you took off like you did taking the pills I’d hidden from you for your own good, I was really hurt and pissed.  Your addiction had taken over my life more than I ever realized.  I should just become an addict, I’d tell myself some days.  I’m so caught up in addiction what difference would it make.   Except  I like to control.  I’ve seen you out of control on your pills.  I could never be that person.  Remember, my biggest problem is thinking I can control every aspect of your life, including your addiction.  That’s what’s so frustrating for me.  You weren’t raised to be an addict.  You lived in a great neighborhood, went to a private Catholic school, for God’s sake, how in the hell did you become this person.  When my mind gets quiet I’d go through my review of our lives to try to make some sense of this self destructive path you kept finding for yourself.   OK, I was divorced from the asshole, sperm donor who was supposed to be a father and a husband.  I know they say childhood trauma is linked to drug addiction, but I really tried to give us a good life.  You had men in your life growing up to give you guidance and support.  You had a great brother and of course you had me wrapped around your finger thanks to the monster called guilt.  Believe me Matt I beat myself up on a daily basis for your choices and would have given anything for a do over, but this was our reality and you chose to mask your pain with euphoria only pills could give you.  Me and Mike did the physical stuff, running and biking.  You chose to zone out and let the world go by with me solving all your problems.  Well,  maybe just once I can have a little piece of time that doesn’t involve saving you.

I had every intention of coming to the beach on Friday night and of course I had a plan for anything I would find on my surprise arrival.  You had me well trained and nothing you did could shock me anymore.  So I’m mentally making my what to bring in the event another crisis needs to be resolved list when my phone rang.  Maybe it was God intervening to give me a much needed normal in the form of Ray.  Hey Ray, how are you.  Hey,  do you have plans for this weekend.   Crap,  on one hand this is great.  my weekend off is when he has his girls so we rarely have a weekend just for us.  So here it is, the weekend!  He’s free, and  I have the choice to be free like I said, crap!   How do you date and control your addict son’s addiction.  I really wanted to see for myself just how Matt was handling not having the Mom police hovering and watching his every move.  On the other hand, having a weekend just to relax and have some time to enjoy Ray would be amazing.  My mind racing trying to come up with an answer that would determine how my weekend would play out.  Well, I’m thinking we could go to the beach.  That would give me the best of both worlds.  Could enjoy the beach with Ray and check up on Matt at the same time.  Do I take the chance of finding Matt in bad shape and knowing I could not ignore the problem and walk away without pulling out my magic fix it wand.   Would Ray realize what I have been dealing with for so long.  Do I always have to be the fixer of Matt’s situation.

 Do I ever get to think just about what I want to do with my free time.  How much time do I give to chasing Matts demons away when he always seems to invite them back.  Being the mother of an addict is like being given a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit.   Was God trying to open my eyes to the fact that Matt was not mine to fix and control.  Ray,  yes I’m going to be around this weekend.  Yes, I’d love to go biking and relax by the bonfire.  Yes, all weekend, no not heading to the beach this time.  I could feel the panic building as I made plans that didn’t include my raid on the beach house.  Oh God,  please let this be the right decision.  I’m really excited to spend time with the person who makes me happy and gives me a slice of normal in my oh so crazy world.  Please keep an eye on Matt.  Keep him safe.  

I hung up with Ray and immediately the guilt hit me in the face.  What the hell was I thinking taking time to play when I had no idea what was going on with Matt.  I made a point of not calling to show him he couldn’t just use me when he needed something and blow me off when he didn’t.  Yeah, big tough Mom I was.  Now I’m in a panic.  All the what if’s that we Moms of addicts go through bouncing around my brain.  What if he’s using too much, what if he’s sick and needs me, what if he’s fighting with Lisa, what if he’s not taking care of his dogs.  I’m what ifing myself to death when I decide to just make the call.  Knowing that until I did I might as well just go to the beach cause my body might be home but my brain would be thinking about Matt.

Ok, suck it up.  He knows your pissed.  You silence spoke volumes, but so did his.  I’m nervous as I dial the number and hear it ring.  Oh God, please let him answer.  I’m just getting ready to leave a message when I hear hey Mom what’s up.   My automatic checklist starts.  Speech clear, no hey Mama, sounds happy, making sense.  Sorry I didn’t call I thought you were mad at me and didn’t want to bother you.  Yeah, I’m still having pain, trying not to take too many, relax Mom enjoy your weekend.  Lisa and I are having a party Saturday.   I know Mom, please trust me….Sure Matt , I’ll give you your chance and pray your demons aren’t on the invite list.   Matt, I’ll be there next weekend.  I miss you and the peace that I only find by the sea.  Hanging up feeling a mix of relief and fear, love you yes,  support you yes, try to fix you yes.   Trust you, NEVER…..

Matt, bringing you home was a mixed bag of emotions.   On the one hand,  I was so glad to leave the hospital.  I spent enough time there when you weren’t a patient.  On the other hand,  I lost the watchful eyes of  the nurses who became my angels  when I needed a break.  Now it was just you and me, the usual suspects playing the game we both hated to play.  

I remember driving so carefully, watching your face for any sign of discomfort.  avoiding every sped bump and pot hole.  I was driving like someone I would  blow my horn at and give that WTF look.   I wanted to wrap you in a plastic bubble, keeping you safe from the bumps and bruises that life had thrown your way.   Those were the longest twenty minutes of my life.  Getting you out of the car and into the house was another activity that had me holding my breath as I watched you shuffle like an old man into the house and settle into the recliner I placed in your favorite spot.   You seemed happy to be home, you hated hospitals and the restrictions placed on your pain medication.   Now you were free to make the choice.  Keep your pain manageable or self medicate and eliminate the pain completely.   I went over the plan with you as you scowled at me, “Mom, you didn’t have back surgery, you don’t know how bad this hurts.  I have rods and screws living in my body and I’m not going to suffer everyday feeling like I do now.”   No Matt, you’re not going to suffer, but you’re not going to start abusing narcotics again.  We will work together and find a happy medium to keep you comfortable.  Pain is to be expected, pain means you are alive.  Well, if looks could kill I would have dropped like a deer hit dead on.   Here we go again I thought.  The demons trying to get control again and me gearing up for the battle.

To your horror and surprise, I took the week off.  What a shock when you woke to find me in the kitchen making coffee.  Hey Mom, why aren’t you in scrubs.  Your eyes boring into mine, the look I’ve seen a thousand times when I interfered with your plans.   Well Matt, I’m here to get you through this first week.   To make sure all the follow up appointments are kept.   Physical therapy will be here with your brace and to show you strengthening exercises.   A nurse is coming to see how you’re doing and the Mom police are keeping the demons at bay.   

Ok Matt,  I expect you to behave and not give anyone a hard time.  We are all here to help you and I’m not putting up with your crap this week.  Let’s just get it all out there.  I have your Percs, and I will control how many you get.  I won’t let you hurt, your pain will be tolerable, but I will not allow you to over do these drugs again.  Yeah, sure Mom.

Talk about the week from hell.  I don’t know who hated the other more.  Me trying to be patient with your needs and you being the patient every nurse would tie up and leave in the utility room.   We played our old familiar game except it was reversed.  This time I was the one hiding and you were the one seeking.   Looking back I remember liking this version of our game.  In a sick way it gave me a chuckle seeing you being me.  Memories of hiding presents from you as a kid would flood my mind.  Boy, things were so much easier before the demons entered our lives.

The week ended, we were still talking.  You seemed stronger everyday.  I still had your percs.  Hey Mom, Don’t you go back to work Monday.  You could barely hide your happiness.  Yup Matt,  I do.  Your Grandmother will be here to keep an eye on you.  Your happiness melted off your face like butter on hot corn.  Mom, are you crazy.  I’m not having Mom mom watch me like I’m a little kid.   Oh yeah you are.  I’m not dumb, we’ve both been here before and I’ll be damned if I’m going back.  

Work was calm compared to the havoc you were causing with me gone.  Your poor grandmother.  My shift continued as did the phone calls from home.   Matt,  dear God, give us a break.   She’s doing what I told her to do.  No she does not have your Percocet I do.   That’s right, they are safe with me, and you are safe at home.   She gave you what I left her and you will get a grip and stop acting like an addict.   Holy shit, silence.  Matt, I’m sorry.  You just make me crazy.

I hung up feeling like I just shouted the four letter word in church.  Did I really call Matt an addict.  Oh God, my fear is getting control over my mouth.  He’s not an addict, I’m just overprotective.   The demons were laughing as I tried to ignore the feeling of doom building in my heart.

My mind was racing on the drive home.  How to repair the damage done.  Lisa, I’ll invite Lisa to come for the weekend.  Anything to bring some joy back to Matt’s life.  Ok, now it was my time to suck it up.  Lisa and I still uncomfortable together.  Well, I thought I can do anything for 48 Hours.

Lisa arrived while you were in the shower.  Bags of all your favorite foods in hand.  I must admit I was happy to have someone else in the house and gave her a welcoming hug.   The look on your face let me know she was the best medicine any doctor could have ordered.  I decided to give you privacy and really used the time to just take a much needed break from all the chaos that seemed to always find a way into our lives.   

I opened the door to laughter and music.  Sounds so needed in our lives.  I felt light and happy.  Your eyes letting me know that all is forgiven.   I slept well that night feeling like we were finally getting a handle on life.   Hoping that maybe just maybe things would return to a normal rhythm that we both so desperately needed.

They say time flies when you’re having fun and before we blinked our eyes it was time for Lisa to leave.  Heading back to the beach, a place you loved and missed so much.  Hugs and promises to return she waved goodbye and you and I tried to stay in that happy place that  found its way into our hearts.   

 Monday came and I felt comfortable enough to leave you alone as I returned to a different chaos of being a nurse and caring for someone other than you.  I left your doses of percs minus one, starting the weaning process we agreed upon.   Calling you several times just to allow my mind the peace of knowing you were ok.   Checking for those signs I’ve come to know and hate.  The changes in your speech, the words you chose to say.  My ears still trained to hear the demons at work in your body.  As the week passed, I foolishly let myself think we had passed the danger zone, leaving the pills hidden in my closet, not realizing I was living with a fox.   Sly and quiet you let me think what I needed to in order to survive life as I needed it to be.   

Friday night coming home with a pizza in hand, opening the door to absolute quiet.  Matt, hey Matt.  The dogs looking at me with pity.  I ran to your room.  Tears forming in my eyes, my heart knowing you were gone.   I ran to my closet.  Thinking you would never violate my privacy.  How wrong I was.  My Hiding place, not so clever after all.  Your bottle gone, you gone, my heart broken.  The demons laughing.