Matt,  That was the longest week of my life.  Having no contact with you was killing me.  I was so used to talking to you at least everyday sometimes when I was really worried I’d  call you twice.   But after you took off like you did taking the pills I’d hidden from you for your own good, I was really hurt and pissed.  Your addiction had taken over my life more than I ever realized.  I should just become an addict, I’d tell myself some days.  I’m so caught up in addiction what difference would it make.   Except  I like to control.  I’ve seen you out of control on your pills.  I could never be that person.  Remember, my biggest problem is thinking I can control every aspect of your life, including your addiction.  That’s what’s so frustrating for me.  You weren’t raised to be an addict.  You lived in a great neighborhood, went to a private Catholic school, for God’s sake, how in the hell did you become this person.  When my mind gets quiet I’d go through my review of our lives to try to make some sense of this self destructive path you kept finding for yourself.   OK, I was divorced from the asshole, sperm donor who was supposed to be a father and a husband.  I know they say childhood trauma is linked to drug addiction, but I really tried to give us a good life.  You had men in your life growing up to give you guidance and support.  You had a great brother and of course you had me wrapped around your finger thanks to the monster called guilt.  Believe me Matt I beat myself up on a daily basis for your choices and would have given anything for a do over, but this was our reality and you chose to mask your pain with euphoria only pills could give you.  Me and Mike did the physical stuff, running and biking.  You chose to zone out and let the world go by with me solving all your problems.  Well,  maybe just once I can have a little piece of time that doesn’t involve saving you.

I had every intention of coming to the beach on Friday night and of course I had a plan for anything I would find on my surprise arrival.  You had me well trained and nothing you did could shock me anymore.  So I’m mentally making my what to bring in the event another crisis needs to be resolved list when my phone rang.  Maybe it was God intervening to give me a much needed normal in the form of Ray.  Hey Ray, how are you.  Hey,  do you have plans for this weekend.   Crap,  on one hand this is great.  my weekend off is when he has his girls so we rarely have a weekend just for us.  So here it is, the weekend!  He’s free, and  I have the choice to be free like I said, crap!   How do you date and control your addict son’s addiction.  I really wanted to see for myself just how Matt was handling not having the Mom police hovering and watching his every move.  On the other hand, having a weekend just to relax and have some time to enjoy Ray would be amazing.  My mind racing trying to come up with an answer that would determine how my weekend would play out.  Well, I’m thinking we could go to the beach.  That would give me the best of both worlds.  Could enjoy the beach with Ray and check up on Matt at the same time.  Do I take the chance of finding Matt in bad shape and knowing I could not ignore the problem and walk away without pulling out my magic fix it wand.   Would Ray realize what I have been dealing with for so long.  Do I always have to be the fixer of Matt’s situation.

 Do I ever get to think just about what I want to do with my free time.  How much time do I give to chasing Matts demons away when he always seems to invite them back.  Being the mother of an addict is like being given a life sentence for a crime you didn’t commit.   Was God trying to open my eyes to the fact that Matt was not mine to fix and control.  Ray,  yes I’m going to be around this weekend.  Yes, I’d love to go biking and relax by the bonfire.  Yes, all weekend, no not heading to the beach this time.  I could feel the panic building as I made plans that didn’t include my raid on the beach house.  Oh God,  please let this be the right decision.  I’m really excited to spend time with the person who makes me happy and gives me a slice of normal in my oh so crazy world.  Please keep an eye on Matt.  Keep him safe.  

I hung up with Ray and immediately the guilt hit me in the face.  What the hell was I thinking taking time to play when I had no idea what was going on with Matt.  I made a point of not calling to show him he couldn’t just use me when he needed something and blow me off when he didn’t.  Yeah, big tough Mom I was.  Now I’m in a panic.  All the what if’s that we Moms of addicts go through bouncing around my brain.  What if he’s using too much, what if he’s sick and needs me, what if he’s fighting with Lisa, what if he’s not taking care of his dogs.  I’m what ifing myself to death when I decide to just make the call.  Knowing that until I did I might as well just go to the beach cause my body might be home but my brain would be thinking about Matt.

Ok, suck it up.  He knows your pissed.  You silence spoke volumes, but so did his.  I’m nervous as I dial the number and hear it ring.  Oh God, please let him answer.  I’m just getting ready to leave a message when I hear hey Mom what’s up.   My automatic checklist starts.  Speech clear, no hey Mama, sounds happy, making sense.  Sorry I didn’t call I thought you were mad at me and didn’t want to bother you.  Yeah, I’m still having pain, trying not to take too many, relax Mom enjoy your weekend.  Lisa and I are having a party Saturday.   I know Mom, please trust me….Sure Matt , I’ll give you your chance and pray your demons aren’t on the invite list.   Matt, I’ll be there next weekend.  I miss you and the peace that I only find by the sea.  Hanging up feeling a mix of relief and fear, love you yes,  support you yes, try to fix you yes.   Trust you, NEVER…..