Matt, you answered your phone on the first ring. Knowing my time frame from walking in the door, calling your name, finding you gone. Then running to my hiding place and realizing how little you respect my attempt to help you from sliding down your slippery slope once again. My hands shaking, heart beating out of my chest and the tears of frustration forming I managed to dial your number and find my voice.
Hey Mom, you say. What the hell, Matt. What do you think you are doing..You are still too fresh to be trusted alone with pills. Why are you doing this to us. We had a deal, you were staying with me and I was managing your recovery and pain. Matt, you can’t do this….
Chill out Mom, I missed being home, I missed Lisa and the beach. I’m fine, I’ll manage, I’m tired of you and all your rules. I’ve been through hell and don’t need you telling me how to live. Matt, that’s the problem. Your pity party, poor Matt. I’ve had it so rough I deserve to be free and free to you comes in the form of a Percocet. Your happy place where nothing touches you but euphoria. I’m warning you Matt, you need to come home. You always think you can handle things and you always end up in the same place. Matt, you need to understand you have a problem with pills. We both need to stop playing this stupid game and face reality. Without me controlling your pill use you will once again lose control and we will end up back in that dark place we struggled so hard to avoid. Please Matt, I’m begging you, don’t do this to yourself or to me. I could hear the anger and defiance building as our conversation continued. Finally we both had enough, me begging and pleading, you telling me you got this. Ok Matt, Have it your way. Just remember all the times I’ve rescued you. Keep treating me like this and one day I won’t be interested in the rescue. Whatever Matt, you’re right you are an adult and you got this..
Hanging up with a sinking heart. That familiar feeling of helplessness washing over me. Knowing it was only a matter of time before the chaos would return and life would be sucked into the black hole, addiction claiming victory over my efforts to keep you clean. I sat alone in the dark letting the quiet comfort me. The pups sensing my distress curled up next to me as if they knew the my heart was breaking. I wanted to be angry at your behavior. I wanted to just be done with all the bullshit your addiction brought into my life. I thought about the battle we both fought to get you clean when the demons took over. Never understanding the power they had over your life. I tried to think that maybe just this one time you would remain in control. Maybe I was overreacting. My need to fix and control was distorting my view. Your addiction had taken up a large part of my life, leaving little time for anything else. Well now maybe I could switch my focus back to me. God, I just needed some peace and happy times without always worrying about you. Ok Matt, you say you got this, so have it. I’m going to take a break from saving you and try to save me. I’m not calling, not playing the spy. I’m backing off, taking a much needed brake. Dear God, it’s me Matt’s mom. I need help. Please save him, I’ve tried and failed. Only you can set his path straight. Please help this addicts mom feel that there is hope. His demons are powerful, dragging him back to dark places. Please I need your light to make this right. Please, I could not bear to go through this again, but you know I will. Give me strength to be Matt’s mom. It’s not been easy, but I love him and want him to have a great life, not one plagued by demons. I remember talking to God most of that night. Waking with swollen eyes and heavy heart. Fighting the urge to call. Knowing that I needed this time to regroup and get ready for the next battle. I could feel it brewing, like a storm out at sea. Only a matter of time before it came crashing into our lives and tearing us apart dragging us back to the nightmare and chaos we both come to know too well. In the distance I could hear that dreaded sound, laughter coming from the demons. Go away I screamed, Leave us alone. Go to Hell. You’re not getting him. I will fight you forever. One week, that’s it Matt. One week is all you get. I’m feeling a need to visit the sea, my peaceful place. I pray things will be as I need them to be. Please Matt.