Matt, I feel like the world is spinning out of control. My anxiety is through the roof. Some days my heart feels like it’s going to beat out of my chest. This is exactly how I felt those early months after your death.
I never remember having such fear over what the future holds. The combination of your loss and my having cancer has once again knocked my world off its axis. I find it so hard to believe you have been gone for 5 years and 5 months. I find it hard to believe that this cancer has derailed my plans for a healthy, active future.
I have begun to fear what the future might bring. Somedays the pain of your loss hits with an unimaginable force. On those days I feel like I just might lose my mind. The thought that you are really gone is still so foreign to my mind and heart. Even today I walk through your closet smelling your clothes searching for a lingering scent. I run my finger over your picture looking at your smiling face wondering how long my pain will remain.
Then there are the days my cancer fills my mind. I relive the day and those words that once again shook me to my core. Exactly like that day and those words letting me know you were gone. I wonder if the treatments worked. If the cancer will return. I wonder if you can see what is happening here in my life. I wonder if we will be together again.
I try to keep busy. Exploring new ways to keep those frightening thoughts at bay. Unfortunately, the back surgery has deterred me from all those physical activities I once did to stay sane. Biking and kayaking my two go to stress reducers have been put on the back burner. I now remember you so vividly walking like you were an old man. I remember when I would encourage you to be active in hope of helping your pain and you would look at me like I was crazy. Well Matt, I get it now. I walk like an old lady.
I read books about Heaven. Written by people who had near death experiences and lived to tell of peace and beauty. They tell of amazing colors and of not wanting to return to earth. They speak of how their battered bodies are now whole and healthy. They tell of meeting loved ones who had passed before them and of joyous reunions. I devour these books looking for my own peace praying that what I’m reading is true and you are young, healthy and happy living in Heaven. I wonder how long it will be until we are together again living in this place they refer to as paradise.
The future has never held so many unknowns for me. At least I fooled myself into thinking I had control when in reality if I had control you would be alive and healthy with a wife and children and I would be cancer free.
They say the future is promised to no one. That everyday is a gift from God. That “life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”. Looking back there are so many things I would do different. Looking forward continues to take my breath away. So many unknowns lurking in the future.
I will continue to pray for God’s peace in accepting my future without you in it. I pray to be cancer free and to be given the time to accept those things I cannot change. Know you are missed and loved every moment of my past and my future……..