Matt, it’s been a rough couple of weeks. August is all about Overdose Awareness. Everywhere I look on social media there are pictures of beautiful, smiling faces all lost to overdose. Posted by the moms who are grieving so deeply I can feel their pain as if they were sitting right next to me. Pain pulsating off the pages right into my heart.
Many days I would quickly post to my pages and then get off before I lost my mind. Nothing has gotten better since your death, honestly they have gotten worse. Young people so full of hopes and dreams are dying every hour of every day. It’s heartbreaking as I hear about a person who was doing well but is now dead. I remember the feelings so clearly when I too thought you were good but in reality you were not.
The grief mothers feel is endless. Even after 6 years I still have days where reality hits and I just need to go mad and scream until I can scream no more. The ugliness of our reality is too heartbreaking. On these days I allow myself to go to my dark, mad world and settle in until the waves wash over me again and again releasing the pain and allowing me to come up for air.
I think having cancer and the constant cloud that follows me compounds my grief. Prior to my diagnosis I could physically release this grief. I would dig in the warm soil with the sun on my back planting until my hands were numb. Planting kept my mind focused on the beauty I was creating rather than the ugliness of life without you. I would get on my bike and ride miles and miles feeling the wind in my face brushing my tears away as I emptied my heart. I would scream into the wind and feel a release like non other.
Today gardening and biking are things I’m no longer capable of doing. I never knew how much I needed them until they were gone. I never realized how I took my health for granted until it was gone. Back surgery put a stop to both of my grief releases and forced me to try to be mindful. Mindfulness is the new go to for relieving stress and anxiety. I can hear you laughing. I know. The thought of your physically active mom sitting quietly to meditate is enough to make everyone who knows me laugh.
Believe me I’ve tried and tried. Days when my anxiety is out of control I will sit trying to breathe clearing my mind of all thoughts. I can tell you it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever tried to do. I imagine myself on my bike pedaling hard, the wind hitting my face. I think of out running the grief.
Oh Matt, how I wish we could turn back time. How I wish I knew nothing about overdose awareness, cancer or grief. How I wish we could be together again spending time by the sea without any cares. No addiction. No cancer. Just a mother and son enjoying the day.
So wish me luck with this mindfulness. I’m thinking the madness is going to win.