Matt, 6:23 on January 2nd 2015 was the last time I heard your voice. I called you in Florida as you were on your way home from work. You were headed back to your sober house and planned to just relax.
We talked about your day. How in just a few weeks we would be together again. Ray and I were heading to the Keys and we planned to visit you on our way down.
I was so excited to see you again. You’d been living in Florida for six months and I missed seeing your physical presence. I missed seeing your smile, being able to hug you and I really missed walking on the beach and discussing life.
All I could think about was seeing you again. You were going to show me where you lived and worked. Introduce me to your friends. We planned to go to your favorite beach and have dinner every evening.
I can still hear your voice. Our conversation burned into my brain. You sounded so good, so happy as if life was finally going your way. It never once crossed my mind that this conversation would be our last. I never felt any red flags that you could possibly be using again. You sounded absolutely perfect.
Looking back, I wish I kept you on the phone longer. I wish I could have recorded your voice. I wish I could have visited you sooner or brought you home for the holidays. If I had seen you I would have known you were still struggling with your demons.
We ended our conversation as we usually did. I told you I loved you and was so excited to see you in 3 weeks. You told me you would look around for hotels and let me know what you found. Before hanging up you told me you loved me and would check in tomorrow.
Ten years ago had I known I would have been on the next plane to get to you before you left me behind. I would have held you and never let you go.
Now I’m left with replaying our conversation in my mind. I’m so grateful we ended it with I Love You, it’s what I hold close to my heart as I continue to navigate life without my beautiful boy.
Ten years feels like yesterday and forever all rolled into one…….
Recent Comments