Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Missing You, Missing Me.

June 8, 2025 /

Matt,   After months of feeling like crap I finally got a diagnosis.  Apparently I have hyperparathyroid.  Never have I been so happy to know I’m not going crazy.  That all these symptoms are really caused by a physical condition.  

I also feel so defeated.  I feel like since your death my body has turned on me.  At least my scans showed no evidence of cancer.  All I wanted was to have a good summer, and all I’ve gotten is a real shit show.  Who would have ever thought a little organ could cause so much havoc on the human body.  

I have to see a surgeon in a week because the only way to fix this is to have another surgery.   To say I’m scared is an understatement.  I never thought I’d be facing this again.  

I feel like God has stopped listening to my prayers.  I prayed for you to kick your addiction and you didn’t.  I guess I’m just feeling abandoned by Him.  I wish you were here to tell me it’s all going to be ok.  Life is just so hard sometimes and it just makes your absence harder than it already is. 

I wonder if you know what’s happening down here. I wonder if you have found your peace.  I guess I’ll always wonder what it’s like where you are.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and share my life with you.  

I will wonder for the rest of my life….please give me a sign if you can.  I really need to know you’re still with me at least in spirit.  

Pennies From Heaven

May 10, 2025 /

Matt,  tomorrow is Mother’s Day, my tenth without you.  I went to your garden at church the other day to fill the bird feeders and plant some marigolds and geraniums to bring some beauty after such a long winter.

I talk to you when I’m there letting you know I’m taking care of your peaceful place and all the wildlife that come to visit on a daily basis.  

I always hear of moms finding pennys or dimes in the most unlikely places, but I’ve never had that experience happen to me.  I do ask you for signs every day but lately I’m just resigned myself that you either can’t send them or don’t hear my requests.

I was so obsessed with getting the flowers placed just so around your cross that I almost missed it.  A penny was sitting on the stones that hold your garden in place.  At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I realized it was right there in front of where I was standing.  

It wasn’t shiny or new, it looked like it had seen many years of being used as currency.  I remember picking it up and running my thumb over the front.  I kept rubbing it between my two fingers hoping to feel you.  I became curious as I flipped it over wondering when it was made.  

At first I thought I was seeing things.  I rubbed the date and moved into the sun to see the date more clearly.  When I realized what I was seeing I was shocked and almost breathless.  The date was 2015, the year you left this earth.  I continued to look not trusting my eyes.  I sat on the bench and held the penny in my hand.  I looked up at the sky wondering if this tiny little penny was that sign I’d been asking for.  

Of all the dates it could have been it was the year you left and broke my heart.  How did it get there just placed on a rock in your garden.  I brought it home with me and placed it in a safe spot next to the bandanna you always wore at work.  

A gift from heaven the week of Mother’s Day when I’m missing you so much.  Thank you my beautiful boy for letting me know you are near.   Love you forever.  Mom  

 

 

Upside Down. Inside Out

April 24, 2025 /

Matt,  I wish I could get back to feeling normal.  It’s been so long I don’t even remember how it felt.  I’m now on my 3rd anti anxiety med and feel like crap.  Everything is just so off. I feel like an experiment in the medical field.  If this doesn’t work try this. Oh wait, that’s not working either then try this.  
I had my CT scans and thank God they found no evidence of recurrence but my blood work showed that my parathyroid is being a little funky. I’ve learned that can also make you feel off so I’m feeling very defeated. 
So, now it’s back to Penn to add another doctor to my list.  I swear since you died the list just keeps growing.  I’ve acquired a cardiologist now I’m adding an endocrinologist.  How much fun can a girl possibly have.  
It seems my body has taken a beating from the unending grief.   Your ten year anniversary just set me in a tailspin and now my body is revolting against me.  At least that’s how it feels.  
I was so hoping to just enjoy the spring and summer as the weather is finally cooperating and Mother Nature is showing her beauty.   But it seems my body might have different plans.  
So now it’s more tests and only God knows what is going to happen.  
There are days I truly understand your addiction.  Days where I would love to have a magic pill to make this all go away.  I wish I had taken the time to understand how you were feeling mentally rather than fighting with you to just stop.  For that I will be eternally sorry.  
I have so many regrets and even after ten years they still creep up and haunt me.   I wish we had just an hour of time where that veil between where you are and where I am could be lifted.  
Perhaps one day that conversation will come but for now I’m praying that this puzzle of my health will get solved and life will return to my new normal without you.  Love you forever. 

Fighting For My Life

March 19, 2025 /

Matt,  these last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with horrible anxiety.  I actually went to the doctor, and you know how much I hate going.  I spilled my guts over all I’ve been going through and how I’m feeling like I’m losing my mind.  I never thought I’d be impacted by mental health issues cause I’ve always been so strong in getting through this crazy time.  

She prescribed Lexapro and told me it should help.  Well, let me tell you that drug made me feel worse.   I had days where I felt worse than before taking it.  After a week I called her and told her I had to stop.  Then I had to get through the withdrawal process and continue to feel awful for days.   So now she has prescribed Celexa.  But before I could try I wanted to get the lexapro out of my system.  And of course,  I get a head cold.  Ahhhh.  

So now I’m battling this cold and struggling to maintain my health and sanity before I can even give the new med a try.   I just want to get back to me.   Even though I was broken after your loss I was never this dark.  I now understand what you might have been gone through with your addiction.   I too want that magic pill to take this all away.  

I wish I could have been more compassionate about your use.  I never knew how powerful the mind is over controlling your thoughts and emotions which then leads to physical symptoms.  

All I can say is I hope you have forgiven me for being so blind to your feelings and anxiety.   I hope you know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.   I pray you are healed and free from any pain both physical and mental.  

Please know you will never be forgotten and I pray one day we will be able to feel peace and joy in Heaven together.  

 

Walking On Thin Ice

February 3, 2025 /

Matt,  January was a tough month for me.  First it was losing Scarlett right after Christmas, then your tenth anniversary, then my CT scans were all piled up on my literally breaking shoulders. 

I felt so overwhelmed.  My heart kept racing or skipping beats.  That familiar tightness in my throat found me again.  I became a walking mess as I tried to navigate through these emotional moments in time.  

Honestly, I’m still feeling off.  Like I just can’t hit my reset button like I always could in the past.  I’m finding my coping mechanisms are just not kicking into gear and my anxiety continues to greet me everyday with some new challenges.  

I’m thinking this ten year mark has just hit me harder than I could have ever imagined.  Thinking of all you have missed here on earth.  Thinking I haven’t seen you or heard your voice for what seems to be an eternity is becoming too much to bear.  

I had a meltdown yesterday as those feelings began to overwhelm me and my anxiety beat me into the depths of despair.   I cried for all you have missed.  For all I should have said and done.  I just cried for the unfairness of it all.  I cried and cried for both of us and for all those dreams that were crushed by your death.

I feel like I’ve lost both my boys.   Your brother barely speaks to me.  I know he is grieving your loss but I really just need to hear his voice and share memories of you with him.   We are all that’s left of our original family.  He’s the only one who shared our story who is still here on earth.   He’s the only person who loves you like I do.   

Somedays I feel so defeated.   I can’t believe this is my life.  I miss who I used to be.   I miss the future I envisioned for our family.   Both my boys married with children.  Weekend get togethers.  Bonfires on the beach with kids and dogs running on the sand.   So many dreams now gone up in smoke.  

I pray for you everyday.   That you have found your peace.  That you are surrounded by love, light and beauty.   That you have been reunited with our family and your pets and that you have met Jesus.  I pray for my peace and healing as this grief journey becomes harder to navigate.   

I really don’t know what else to do.   I can tell you time doesn’t make a difference all is does is make me wonder how I have survived this long without you here.

I wish you peace.  Until we meet again.  Love you forever Mom  

 

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