Matt, Today would have been your 48th birthday. I should be on my way to the beach to spend time with you on your special day. You and I would spent time together on the beach, taking the dogs watching their joy as they ran through the surf while we caught up on life. We would be planning our dinner feast of crabs, shrimp and beer. We would be heading to JD Shuckers your favorite restaurant. Our family would be together at our happy place to celebrate you.
But today our reality is much different from my dreams for your birthday. For you are forever 37 and this is your 10th birthday in heaven.
Today I will spend the morning letting my grief pour out from my soul. Looking through every album I own with pictures of our life. Beautiful memories of a life with two boys who were always together. Boys staring back at the camera with innocent, beautiful faces. You with your green eyes and Mike with his blue eyes.
Pictures of you with that smile and those beautiful eyes staring back at me through all the phases of your life. Pictures that prove you lived. Beautiful memories of your life from infancy through adulthood. Looking so happy and healthy. It is so hard for me to understand this reality. My brain knows you are gone. My heart struggles with the truth.
Today there will be no family party. No cake, no funny card. I will never see you with your brother standing side by side laughing about how your both over the big 4 0.
Brothers laughter blending together as you tell stories of childhood antics that mom should never know. Sharing your accomplishments in life as your children listen at your feet.
Your brother, Mike will never know the joy of being an uncle. He will never know the joy of holding his brothers children in his arms or teaching them to run through the surf with you by his side. He will never watch his younger brother discover the joys and heartbreaks of being a father.
Mike will never have the opportunity to take your son fishing or show your daughter treasures saved from your childhood. He will never be able to offer advice or share his list of do’s and don’ts of fatherhood. There will be no more children squealing with joy as that new puppy comes running into their arms. No more brothers sharing the secret of what makes a house a home.
No more pictures of my boys with arms wrapped over each other’s shoulders. No more memories of happy times as we celebrate you growing older. No more handsome faces staring back at the camera telling me to stop with the pictures already. No more blended laughter for your mother to hear.
Losing you is losing a future of love, laughter and beautiful memories. Losing you has left an undeniable void in our lives. Losing you is never seeing my boys together again. Never hearing your laughter as you tell your children stories about your childhood sharing secrets that only your brother would know. Losing you is never dancing at your wedding. Losing you is never sharing the joy of holding your newborn child for the first time. Losing you has split my life into the before and after.
Pictures of me before your death are almost unrecognizable to me. A real smile. Similar green eyes staring back at the camera. Happiness shining through every photo. Today my pictures reflect an emptiness in my eyes. A forced smile. A face broken by grief. Pictures of before and after tell the story of how grief changed me from the inside out. Pictures showing a shadow of who I used to be.
Reality is that I will never see you coming through my door with your children in tow. That smile and those eyes forever gone. No mini Matt’s for me to spoil and hug. No future generation to share stories of your childhood antics. No more of you.
How I wish Heaven had visiting hours just for these special days. I would throw myself into your arms and never let you go. I would tell you how much your loss has changed my life. I would tell you over and over again how much I love you. How sorry i am for every minute we wasted arguing about your disease. I would let you know that I finally understand and how if given the chance would do things over so differently. That if I knew then what i know now you would be here. I would beg you to forgive me and to stay with me forever.
Today I will honor your life. I will let my grief have its way. Today I will let my tears flow no longer fighting or pretending that I am ok. Today I will remember the joy you brought to my life. I will allow myself the gift to grieve. To feel the profound loss of your death.
Today I will close my eyes and remember your hugs, your voice, your smile. Today I will wrap myself up in you knowing that I will grieve for what should have been for the rest of my life.
Dance on the stars. Be the light in the sunrise. Let me feel your kiss on the gentle breeze that touches my cheek. Let me hear your laughter in the surf and know that you are near. I pray that heaven is your beautiful beach and one day we will walk together by the sea. Until then fly free my beautiful boy knowing that my heart is where you are
Recent Comments