Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: grieving life as it used to be (Page 1 of 3)

Life Just Keeps Changing

November 17, 2025 /

Matt,  I can’t even comprehend life as it is now.   Just when I thought my health was starting to improve, I get hit with the double whammy.   Not only is the tumor back in my spine but I just found out I also have myasthenia gravis.  Yup, not only am I going to resume radiation but now I have to see a neurologist to fight a disease that has my body turning on itself.

I feel like my life has shrunk.  All my advocacy work is now on pause.  Even putting together your backpacks for the homeless leaves me exhausted.  

How I wish you were here.  We could commiserate about our back pain and how it’s affecting our lives.  I now get how easy it was for you to pop those pills allowing yourself a respite from the daily pain.  I fight the urge to follow in your footsteps as I now completely understand the path you walked.  

Chronic pain changes us.  It rules our daily lives. I feel like the only relief I get is from sleep and even that is a battle some nights.  I remember finding you sleeping upright on the couch.  Never understanding why you didn’t sleep in bed.  I bought you so many different pillows but you still preferred the couch.  Now I understand completely.  How I wish I had a better understanding of your pain and how easily it was for you to become addicted to the pills that were your only source of peace.  

I long for the days you were here and we were both healthy.  The days when laughter rather than pain and anxiety were the best part of life.  The days we took long walks on the beach sharing our hopes and dreams.  God, how I wish for a do over.  I took those days for granted never thinking there was a time limit to the life we shared.  

So now as I struggle with anxiety, pain and the uncertainty of my future I finally comprehend what you were living everyday.  God, I pray you are healed and free from this hell that I never could understand but now I live.  

I miss you now more than ever as I know you of all people get exactly what I’m feeling and I now understand more than ever why you needed to escape from life as you lived it.  
Forever in my heart.  Love Mom.

Life Is Tough

September 18, 2025 /

Matt,   It’s been a while since I’ve written.  This year has been a rough one.  I was diagnosed with parathyroid disease and had surgery in July.  I guess I set myself up for failure as I thought this would be the quick fix to feeling horrible every blessed day.  Sadly I’m two months out and still feeling off. 

It seems my body just doesn’t want to regulate my crazy hormones.  So everyday feels like Groundhog Day.  I think about you a lot.  What you went through with your chronic pain.  Like you I just want to be pain free and feel normal.  Like you I wish that could just happen and life could just go back to normal. 

I finally understand how easy it was for you to become dependent on opioids for your life to feel normal.  I too have searched for that magic pill to get my life to feel normal again.  But unlike you I fear the consequences of pills and their promises. 

I so wish you were here. I know you of all people would understand how hard chronic pain is to live with.  I have so many regrets for not being more understanding of what you were going through.  I hope you can hear my conversations when I talk to you.  I still can’t believe you’re gone.  It still seems surreal that life has turned out the way it has.  

I miss the life we had.  I miss the calls, the hugs, the laughs and gatherings when life was what I always thought it was going to be.  How foolish we were to take anything for granted.    One thing I’ve learned is nothing is guaranteed and tomorrow is not promised.  I pray you are at peace.  Your pain is gone and you are living in paradise.  Know I will love you forever.  Tomorrow is my birthday and my wish is to turn back the clock, walk into your house and wrap you in my arms.  I will love you forever my beautiful boy. 

 

Trying To Keep The Faith

July 13, 2025 /

Matt,   Today is Sunday.  I remember all those Sundays when we used to attend church together.   I never thought those days would come to an end.  It was always a comfort to have you there with me praying together and then stopping by Wawa for our morning coffee.  

Sadly, I haven’t been able to attend church in person for months due to this horrible condition making me feel like I’m dying every day.  I’m grateful they have a live stream that I can watch from home to at least make me feel like I’m still connected to our church.  

I do continue to take care of your garden.  Planting new flowers and keeping the bird feeders full.  It’s very peaceful there and I continue to enjoy the surroundings and the quiet.  Many days Pastor Mike will come down and bring me communion and pray with me for peace and healing. 

I’m really struggling with anxiety today as I will be having surgery on Wednesday to remove the diseased little buggers that have been wreaking havoc on my body.   I really never thought I’d have to face surgery again after the last two but I’ve learned life is so very unpredictable.  I’m both looking forward to returning to normal but also very nervous about possible complications from the surgery.   I’ve done a lot of research and it’s supposed to be a safe procedure but still going to worry until it’s over.  I remember when you used to tell me I worried enough for both of us and you were right nothing has changed there. 

I’ve been thinking a lot about you and wondering how it is in heaven.  I guess a part of me wonders if things go wrong will you be there to meet me?  I know that’s a weird thought but it seems the older I get the more that thought pops into my mind.  Your death was so unexpected and out of order that I find myself struggling to make it make sense. 

If you can please send me a sign to let me know it will all be ok.  There are still so many things I want to do in this life before I leave this world.  I don’t know if people in Heaven can pray but if you can please say one for me.  Know you are forever in my heart.  Love Mom. 

Pieces of You, Pieces of Me

November 5, 2021 /

Matt,   It’s been 82 months since your death and I foolishly thought I was ready to donate your winter clothing to the homeless addicts living in Kensington.   I have become part of a group of mom’s who take trips to the streets providing food and clothing to those who continue to be forgotten by society.   I must say it’s a part of how I survive your death, by giving back to those suffering from the disease that took your life.

I usually avoid your closet, but that day I felt  it was something I was ready to do.   Opening the door was walking back in time.   Sweaters were on hangers as if you were expected to walk through the door, grab one and ask, Hey Mom do I look ok.  

I stood in the doorway waiting for my breath to settle.  It was shocking how my body responded to seeing your clothing.  Slowly I started to take one down.   Memories of you wearing this sweater flooded my brain.   I held it close, burying my face into the softness hoping to breathe in your scent.   I could hear you voice telling me it’s ok Mom, it’s ok.

As I continued to place those sweaters in a box, I was fighting myself as if this was what I really wanted to do.   These sweaters were pieces of what I have left of you.   My mind was battling should they stay or should they go.  I held each one close and saw you wearing them looking so handsome with your beautiful smile letting me know you approved.   I started talking to you asking if this was what you wanted.   

I remember how you were always so giving.   Memories of you giving your shirt to a homeless man prompted me to keep going.   I held each sweater, running my hand over the material before placing them into the box.  I managed to donate several sweaters, a jacket and a pair of pants.  

Driving to the donation event, my tears were flowing wondering if I was strong enough to hand over the box to those who would take your sweaters to the streets handing them out to people who have nothing.   Pulling into the parking lot I was greeting by smiling faces.   Women thanking me for helping take care of other mothers children.   

As I handed over the boxes I had a feeling of profound sadness mixed with joy.   Knowing I was giving away pieces of what I had left of you re -broke my heart.   Knowing that your sweaters would provide comfort to someone with nothing gave me a bit of joy.

Once again I’ve learned that grief knows no time line.   It lives in pieces of clothing that will never be worn by you again.   It lives in memories that surface unexpectedly.   It lives knowing that even doing the right thing can be the most painful thing in the world.  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Missing The Me I used To Be

July 1, 2021 /

Matt,   There are days I don’t recognize myself anymore.   I though grieving you would be the biggest hurdle of my life.   I’m finding that grieving who I used to be is becoming a hurdle that seems impossible to jump over.  

So much has changed in these last two years.   You have been gone 6 years and I’d begun to think I had finally found stable footing.   Funny, I look back now and laugh at how I foolishly thought my life had stabilized.   

Nothing could have prepared me for the avalanche of grief that was waiting right around the corner for me.   Being diagnosed with cancer was something I never saw coming.   It was another of those rouge waves that hits with such force you are left helplessly struggling to break through the surface of the water fighting to find your breath.

I never realized how much I took for granted.   When the waves of your loss would hit I would get on my bike and physically exhaust myself until I felt a semblance of calm return to my soul.   If the weather was bad I would grab my yoga mat and find my zen place as I stretched my muscles holding poses until I could no longer feel the chest tightness or racing beats of my heart.

Today, my physical body has endured the brutal treatments to help me beat this ugly disease.   My back is no longer able to bend or twist.   I am full of rods and screws.   My bike hangs in the garage.   It’s become a symbol of the independence I’ve lost.   My days of beating back the grief has disappeared like the woman I was before your death.

Don’t get me wrong.   I’m very grateful this disease was cut out of my body.   I’m grateful for the radiation that was guaranteed to kill any ugly cells left behind.   I just wish I had known how the reality of my treatments would have impacted my ability to handle the anxiety that comes when the reality of your death hits me head on.   I’ve lost my physical ways of coping.   The best I can do is walk and I can’t walk long enough or far enough to make a dent in my grief.

Now I depend on my daily dose of xanax or my THC or CBD.   I hate who I have become.   I never understood your dependence on pills.   I foolishly though that you should have handled your anxiety with physical activity like I did.   Little did I know how debilitating back surgery was and how it impacted your life.   For that I apologize to you my beautiful boy.

I hate walking around with that lump in my throat.   I hate how my mind has taken over and fills me with fear of what my future might hold.   I hate that some days all I can think of is death and leaving everything I love behind.   I hate that you’re not here to help me through my dark days. 

I hate that PTSD has become my constant companion.   I long for those days when we were both healthy and life was a breeze.   I miss our endless walks on the beach.   Our laughter as we remembered your antics as a kid.   We were so much alike.   I wonder how you would have reacted if you were still alive knowing I had a potentially life threatening disease.   

I survive by praying for healing of both my mind and body.   I pray that you have found your peace and one day we will once again walk on a heavenly beach together both healed from our diseases filled with peace and joy.   Until then memories of who we used to be will carry me until we meet again.   

 

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