Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 1 of 7)

Birthday Wishes From Earth to Heaven.

July 30, 2025 /

Matt,  Today would have been your 48th birthday. I should be on my way to the beach to spend time with you on your special day. You and I would spent time together on the beach, taking the dogs watching their joy as they ran through the surf while we caught up on life.  We would be planning our dinner feast of crabs, shrimp and beer.   We would be heading to JD Shuckers your favorite restaurant.  Our family would be together at our happy place to celebrate you. 

But today our reality is much different from my dreams for your birthday.  For you are forever 37 and this is your 10th birthday in heaven.  

Today I will spend the morning letting my grief pour out from my soul.  Looking through every album I own with pictures of our life.  Beautiful memories of a life with two boys who were always together.  Boys staring back at the camera with innocent, beautiful faces. You with your green eyes and Mike with his blue eyes. 

Pictures of you with that smile and those beautiful eyes staring back at me through all the phases of your life.  Pictures that prove you lived. Beautiful memories of your life from infancy through adulthood.  Looking so happy and healthy.  It is so hard for me to understand this reality.  My brain knows you are gone.  My heart struggles with the truth. 

Today there will be no family party.  No cake, no funny card.  I will never see you with your brother standing side by side laughing about how your both over the big 4 0. 

Brothers laughter blending together as you tell stories of childhood antics that mom should never know. Sharing your accomplishments in life as your children listen at your feet. 

Your brother, Mike  will never know the joy of being an uncle.   He will never know the joy of holding his brothers children in his arms or teaching them to run through the surf with you by his side.   He will never watch his younger brother discover the joys and heartbreaks of being a father.  

Mike will never have the opportunity to take your son fishing or show your daughter treasures saved from your childhood.  He will never be able to offer advice or share his list of do’s and don’ts of fatherhood.   There will be no more children squealing with joy as that new puppy comes running into their arms.   No more brothers sharing the secret of what makes a house a home. 

No more pictures of my boys with arms wrapped over each other’s shoulders.  No more memories of happy times as we celebrate you growing older.  No more handsome faces staring back at the camera telling me to stop with the pictures already.  No more blended laughter for your mother to hear. 

Losing you is losing a future of love, laughter and beautiful memories.  Losing you has left an undeniable void in our lives.  Losing you is never seeing my boys together again.  Never hearing your laughter as you tell your children stories about your childhood sharing secrets that only your brother would know. Losing you is never dancing at your wedding.  Losing you is never sharing the joy of holding your newborn child for the first time. Losing you has split my life into the before and after. 

Pictures of me before your death are almost unrecognizable to me.  A real smile. Similar green eyes staring back at the camera.  Happiness shining through every photo.  Today my pictures reflect an emptiness in my eyes.  A forced smile. A face broken by grief.  Pictures of before and after tell the story of how grief changed me from the inside out.  Pictures showing a shadow of who I used to be. 

Reality is that I will never see you coming through my door with your children in tow.  That smile and those eyes forever gone.  No mini Matt’s for me to spoil and hug.  No future generation to share stories of your childhood antics.  No more of you.  

How I wish Heaven had visiting hours just for these special days. I would throw myself into your arms and never let you go.  I would tell you how much your loss has changed my life. I would tell you over and over again how much I love you. How sorry i am for every minute we wasted arguing about your disease. I would let you know that I finally understand and how if given the chance would do things over so differently. That if I knew then what i know now you would be here.  I would beg you to forgive me and to stay with me forever. 

Today I will honor your life.  I will let my grief have its way.  Today I will let my tears flow no longer fighting or pretending that I am ok.  Today I will remember the joy you brought to my life.  I will allow myself the gift to grieve. To feel the profound loss of your death.  

Today I will close my eyes and remember your hugs, your voice, your smile.  Today I will wrap myself up in you knowing that I will grieve for what should have been for the rest of my life.

Dance on the stars.  Be the light in the sunrise.  Let me feel your kiss on the gentle breeze that touches my cheek.  Let me hear your laughter in the surf and know that you are near.  I pray that heaven is your beautiful beach and one day we will walk together by the sea.  Until then fly free my beautiful boy knowing that my heart is where you are 

Missing You, Missing Me.

June 8, 2025 /

Matt,   After months of feeling like crap I finally got a diagnosis.  Apparently I have hyperparathyroid.  Never have I been so happy to know I’m not going crazy.  That all these symptoms are really caused by a physical condition.  

I also feel so defeated.  I feel like since your death my body has turned on me.  At least my scans showed no evidence of cancer.  All I wanted was to have a good summer, and all I’ve gotten is a real shit show.  Who would have ever thought a little organ could cause so much havoc on the human body.  

I have to see a surgeon in a week because the only way to fix this is to have another surgery.   To say I’m scared is an understatement.  I never thought I’d be facing this again.  

I feel like God has stopped listening to my prayers.  I prayed for you to kick your addiction and you didn’t.  I guess I’m just feeling abandoned by Him.  I wish you were here to tell me it’s all going to be ok.  Life is just so hard sometimes and it just makes your absence harder than it already is. 

I wonder if you know what’s happening down here. I wonder if you have found your peace.  I guess I’ll always wonder what it’s like where you are.  I miss being able to pick up the phone and share my life with you.  

I will wonder for the rest of my life….please give me a sign if you can.  I really need to know you’re still with me at least in spirit.  

Pennies From Heaven

May 10, 2025 /

Matt,  tomorrow is Mother’s Day, my tenth without you.  I went to your garden at church the other day to fill the bird feeders and plant some marigolds and geraniums to bring some beauty after such a long winter.

I talk to you when I’m there letting you know I’m taking care of your peaceful place and all the wildlife that come to visit on a daily basis.  

I always hear of moms finding pennys or dimes in the most unlikely places, but I’ve never had that experience happen to me.  I do ask you for signs every day but lately I’m just resigned myself that you either can’t send them or don’t hear my requests.

I was so obsessed with getting the flowers placed just so around your cross that I almost missed it.  A penny was sitting on the stones that hold your garden in place.  At first I thought it was my imagination, but then I realized it was right there in front of where I was standing.  

It wasn’t shiny or new, it looked like it had seen many years of being used as currency.  I remember picking it up and running my thumb over the front.  I kept rubbing it between my two fingers hoping to feel you.  I became curious as I flipped it over wondering when it was made.  

At first I thought I was seeing things.  I rubbed the date and moved into the sun to see the date more clearly.  When I realized what I was seeing I was shocked and almost breathless.  The date was 2015, the year you left this earth.  I continued to look not trusting my eyes.  I sat on the bench and held the penny in my hand.  I looked up at the sky wondering if this tiny little penny was that sign I’d been asking for.  

Of all the dates it could have been it was the year you left and broke my heart.  How did it get there just placed on a rock in your garden.  I brought it home with me and placed it in a safe spot next to the bandanna you always wore at work.  

A gift from heaven the week of Mother’s Day when I’m missing you so much.  Thank you my beautiful boy for letting me know you are near.   Love you forever.  Mom  

 

 

Fighting For My Life

March 19, 2025 /

Matt,  these last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with horrible anxiety.  I actually went to the doctor, and you know how much I hate going.  I spilled my guts over all I’ve been going through and how I’m feeling like I’m losing my mind.  I never thought I’d be impacted by mental health issues cause I’ve always been so strong in getting through this crazy time.  

She prescribed Lexapro and told me it should help.  Well, let me tell you that drug made me feel worse.   I had days where I felt worse than before taking it.  After a week I called her and told her I had to stop.  Then I had to get through the withdrawal process and continue to feel awful for days.   So now she has prescribed Celexa.  But before I could try I wanted to get the lexapro out of my system.  And of course,  I get a head cold.  Ahhhh.  

So now I’m battling this cold and struggling to maintain my health and sanity before I can even give the new med a try.   I just want to get back to me.   Even though I was broken after your loss I was never this dark.  I now understand what you might have been gone through with your addiction.   I too want that magic pill to take this all away.  

I wish I could have been more compassionate about your use.  I never knew how powerful the mind is over controlling your thoughts and emotions which then leads to physical symptoms.  

All I can say is I hope you have forgiven me for being so blind to your feelings and anxiety.   I hope you know that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.   I pray you are healed and free from any pain both physical and mental.  

Please know you will never be forgotten and I pray one day we will be able to feel peace and joy in Heaven together.  

 

It’s Said All Dogs Go To Heaven.

December 28, 2024 /

 

Matt,  yesterday we lost our precious Scarlett.   She started to get sick 3 weeks ago and it just went downhill so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  I feel like it’s losing another piece of you all over again.  

I remember getting the call about a little dog who had been set on fire in Georgia.  Thank God she survived but she needed her burn cared for and since I was a nurse the rescue called to see if I could foster her.  

I remember asking if you wanted to take a ride to go get this pup.  We both loved dogs so I knew you would be on board.   We arrived at the rescue and walked into the barn to a kennel full of healthy lab pups.  I remember we both looked confused as these pups were perfectly fine.  

We kept walking around and finally found this tiny little pup with a hairless back due to the severity of the burns.  

I remember you reaching into her crate and bringing out the tiniest little baby.   She fit into the palm of your hand.  We decided to name her Scarlett to make a little beauty out of the trauma she suffered.  

She curled up in your hand and slept all the way home.  She was so tiny we had to find a collar in the ferret department.  

We soon learned that in that tiny body was the spirit of a big dog.   She fit right in with our pack.  Her personality was unique.  She quickly became the boss of the pack and of us.   She learned to spin and twirl in front of the biscuit jar to ensure she got her treat.  

I had 12 amazing years of loving our precious girl.  You loved snuggling with her and one day I captured you in what world turn out to be the last picture of you and Scarlett.  

It happened so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  So unexpected just like your death.  One week she was good then she wasn’t.  Refusing to eat or drink no matter what was offered.  We tried everything just like we did for you.   The vet said kidney failure.  Nothing could reverse the damage.  We loved her to the end.  Her last day was spent in my arms.  I remember telling her to look for her Uncle Matt that you would be there waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I laid her on her  bed in front of the sunny window letting her feel the warmth of the sun as she did on so many occasions.   

I talked to you letting you know what was happening.  I wondered if you heard me.  As she took her last breaths did you hear me calling out to you?  I can only pray that she is in your arms now.  That you are both happy and healthy.  That the rainbow bridge is connected to Heaven and one day we will share hugs and puppy kisses once again.  

 

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