Matt,   It’s Christmas Eve and I sit here numb wondering how we got to this place.  How are you not here.  How can it be ten Christmases without you.  How have I survived this life altering nightmare that has become my life.

My mind keeps reliving those beautiful memories of past Holidays when our family was whole and happy.  The days when my boys would pretend to be asleep as I snuck presents from their hiding places and placed them under the tree.  I remember the squeals of delight as you and Mike unwrapped your gifts, the laughter and smiles that warmed my heart.  Oh how I wish I could turn back time and feel that profound joy.  

I look back now realizing how I took that precious time so for granted, thinking life would always be us together.  So many memories of you and Mike as teens still laughing as you sat near the tree opening gifts knowing Santa was really just mom.  I miss your grandparents.  I miss the crazy noises as our house filled with family and friends.  How blessed we were to be surrounded by those we loved.  

As you became a man I looked so forward to seeing your children under the tree, laughing as you did, so full of joy and believing that Santa is real as you and I share a knowing smile.  Fantasies have become my survival as the grief becomes too hard to bear.  

This Christmas I will sit with my memories allowing them to be the balm covering my wounds.  I cherish each one as I grow older I come to understand just how precious those days were never thinking our family chain would be broken.  Know you are loved and never forgotten.  Merry Christmas my beautiful boy.  I thank you for the wonderful gift of memories.