Category: relationships (Page 5 of 6)

So Matt,  you were wrong.  I somehow managed to make it through the weekend without the help of your favorite lady P.   Believe me it was very tempting as she sat on my counter and watched me, tempting me with all her tricks.  I kept remembering how happy and out of control you became when you allowed her into your mind.  Nothing else mattered.  Your job, your friends, your mother.   There was no way I wanted to be out of control like you.  I needed to fix this.  I couldn’t become the foggy brained mom who wasn’t in control.  We both know I like to be in control.  So I paced, cried, cussed and drank my bottles of red like they were going to disappear.  I remember you telling me,  Mom you drink too much,  you’re no different than me.  I just take drugs.  We are no different.  Oh yes, my precious son we are very different.  I can drink, but I still have control.  I never become that person slumping over on the couch or lying and stealing to get my red.  I have given my red no power over my life.  Your pills take over your mind and your will and change who you become.  I was keeping my method of pain control my secret,  I was in no mood to be lectured by you after everything you put me through.

Monday couldn’t come fast enough.  I laughed thinking how I used to complain that weekends flew by, well this one could grow wings and be done.  Monday at 9 AM I was seeing a surgeon.  Thank God.  I just wanted to get fixed so I could get to the beach and keep you safe.  You and Lisa were still talking and I felt like there was still hope in you making this work.  I always felt better knowing you weren’t alone.  You didn’t do alone.  Your demons were always waiting to catch you and offer you a happy place.  You left alone ended in chaos.  We spoke everyday and you assured me you were ok.  You cleaned, well you said you did.  Went to beach with the dogs and were having dinner with Lisa.  My mind continued to run down the checklist every time we talked.  So far, so good I thought.  Now just let me think about me and not have to worry about you.

Monday morning finally came.  Thank you God.  Now came the moment of truth.  Just how helpless was I with only my left hand.  I stayed in the same sweats all weekend just because, but now I had to face the world.  The girl with the hanging hand.  Matt you would have laughed watching me put contacts in.  My God,  how much we take for granted by having two hands.  Ok, forget it.  Grabbing my glasses and thinking who cares, when they see my hand nobody’s gonna care what I look like.  Getting dressed was unbelievably painful.  The splint was a pain so off it came, holy crap this sucks.   Finally ready and my pain level shooting through the roof.  Ray comes to drive me.  You really need to take a pill before you go, no thanks, just drive and shut up.

We get to the surgeon and it’s standing room only.  Holy crap. Delaware is full of klutzes.  Everywhere I look there are casts and crutches.  I fit right in.  This time the receptionist actually looks up and says Ouch that looks bad.  Yup, thanks.  Ray grabs the clipboard not wanting to risk my reaction.  The last place was a joke.  I’m feeling hopeful here, people actually look at you when you walk up to the desk.  So Ray starts filling in all my information.  So now everybody within hearing range knows all my stuff.  I’m in so much pain I could care less.  Info done and handed in.  Ray leaves to get to a meeting.  I’m left alone in a room full of strangers and all I want to do is cry.  I want to call you and hear your voice.  I need to know you are ok.  God, it never ends.  I worry about you constantly.

I hear my name.  The nurse looks at my arm and winces.  Well that’s just great, right now the last thing I need is a wuss  for a nurse.  We get to the exam room and are met by a P.A.  Wow, he says.  That looks like a bad break.  No shit Sherlock.  Oh God, please let this surgeon know what the hell he’s doing.  I’ve got Robin from Batman sitting here drooling like a dog just waiting to get his hands on my wrist.  If this surgeon comes in with any wise cracking joke I’m punching something.  Yes, it’s not everyday that someone actually walks in with their wrist hanging from their arm, I get it.  But in one minute the shit is going to hit the fan.  My pain is making me crazy and I just want a real doctor, not Batman.

In walks Dr. S.  He takes one look at me and says shit, how long have you been like this.  All weekend.  He unsplints me and looks in horror at what used to be a nice slim wrist.  We need to fix this now he says to Robin.  The P.A. jumps up like he just won the lottery.  By now I’m ready to pass out.  They lay me down on the bed.  The surgeon apologizes to me about what he needs to do.  Crap, now that’s scary, a surgeon saying he’s sorry before the fix.  Oh God, just put me out.  Maybe Lady P isn’t such a bad idea.  My will power is weakening, my God help.  I jump as he starts injecting local into my arm.  He tells me It probably won’t help but he’s going to try.  Then Robin wheels in a device from a medieval torture chamber.  He smiles a sick smile as he grabs my arm and puts my fingers into something that reminded me of Chinese finger cots.  The tighter you pull the tighter they get.  I tell him with my own sick smile that if he grabs me again I’m going for his balls.  He backs off and let’s Dr. S. take over.

So I’m laying on my back with my arm hanging from this contraption thinking I’d rather be anywhere but here.  You pop  into my mind.  Oh God, please keep Matt safe.  The pain was right up there with giving birth.  My wrist was being shoved back into place.  The words coming out of my mouth shocked even me.  Nurses ran into the room and grabbed my other hand.  Breathe, breathe he’s almost done.  So now I know how it feels to be beaten with a bat.  Passing out while laying down. now that blows that theory.   Ok done, he says.  You can sit up now.  Sure you idiot, look at the patient.  I can’t even move I’m in shock.  Thank God for nurses.  They stay and help.  What color cast I’m asked.  Really, how about red so when I beat you with it the blood won’t show.  Whatever, just get me out of here.

Just like that I’m released.  A nurse asks how I’m getting home.  Call Ray.  She gets my phone looking at me with pity.  Here take this.  I look to see the beautiful Lady P. smiling back at me.  Your demons calling me.  Come play, we will take you away from this painful place and give you peace.  You need us, you can’t fight anymore, we beat you.  Pain that doesn’t have to be if you just let us in.  Oh God.  I finally get it.  Matt, is this what you go through everyday.  Your back pain pushing you to let the demons in.  I am so tempted, I’m so tired of this pain.  Matt I understand how you are caught in their trap.  The promise of pain free euphoria was tempting me just like it must tempt you.  All I could think about was how easily you got addicted to pills and it all started with the first one.   I close my eyes. I see you slumped on our couch.  I remember the hell of detox.   The tears fall.  My son is an addict.  Those words causing more pain than my now fixed wrist.   The tears flow, the nurse wraps me in her arms.  Our secret told to a complete stranger.  She takes the pill away.  The look of pity broke my heart.  Yes, I thought the addicts mom can’t become the addict.  She has battles to fight to save her son.   I can do this, save you one handed…I even made a joke.  Ok God, stop laughing.

So Matt,  I’m laying here in the ER in the most excruciating pain I’ve felt since childbirth and all I can think about is you.  Shit,  I can’t drive I can barely breathe.  I was leaving for the beach later tonight.  I promised you I would help keep the beach house looking good.  By now the grass would need cutting and knowing you and how you clean I’m sure the fur balls have overtaken the place.   They could probably answer the door by now.  Shit, how in the hell am I going to do what I need to do.  This was the perfect excuse for me to keep an eye on you.   I had this great plan in my conniving little mind.  I would continue to play the cool Mom and just watch from afar.  I had a reason to be there now, you asked for help.  I was the helper.  Shit, now I was the one needing help.   I couldn’t even fill out the paperwork when the girl tried to hand me the clipboard.  I looked at her like WTF are you crazy.  Look up from your computer.  You just tried to give a girl with her hand hanging off her arm a clipboard and a pen!  Jesus,  some people are just plain stupid.  She’s  lucky I didn’t vomit all over her pretty little manicure.  I was barely making it.  Sweating and nauseous from the pain.  It took forever to get out of the woods and get the car where I sat, now the idiot behind the desk giving me a clipboard without even looking at this muddy, pale, about to pass out patient.  Thank God for Ray.  As if reading my mind he grabbed the clipboard with one hand and held on to me with the other.   Finally my name is called.  A nurse helps me back to see the doctor.  Another idiot.  So you think you broke your wrist.  No asshole, I always walk around with my wrist hanging like this.  He tries to touch my hand and I am off the table with such force the stool he is sitting on flies across the room.   Oh, that hurts he asks.  Are you kidding me.  You must be the janitor who grabbed a forgotten lab coat off the door and are playing doctor.  Ok, I’m done.  I’m playing the nurse card.  Yes, it hurts like if I were to grab your balls and squeeze.  That’s how bad.  See how swollen it is and black and blue.  Normal wrists don’t hang to one side like mine is.  Now, I’m no doctor but I’d bet it a displaced fracture.  Now how about you order an x-ray and get a real doctor in here.   I could hear the nurse outside the door chuckle.  She had the biggest yup he’s stupid grin on her face.  Nurses, we stick together.  She takes me back to x ray.  The tech is young and by her reaction I don’t think has ever seen a displaced fracture quite like mine.  I thought I was going to have to use my good hand and help her sit down.   After taking multiple pictures she looks at me with sadness and says this isn’t good.  Yup, I could have told you that the minute it hit the ground.  Ok,  so now comes the fun part.  They can’t do anything cause it’s too swollen and of course it a holiday weekend.  So I’m put in a temporary splint and given a script for guess what Percocet.  Yup,  the demons now taking a shot at me.

We make it home and the pain is starting to make me nuts.  Swelling must go down before any surgeon will touch me.  Sissies I think.  You guys put guts back in place and you’re scared of my little wrist.  Holy shit, what a mess I am in.   Ray leaves to get the script filled.  I tell him I’m not taking them so don’t bother.  He looks at me like I’m crazy as he walks out the door.  I try to elevate my hand but of course as luck would have it I have turned into a klutz and I’m right handed.  My right hand is now rendered useless for God knows how long.   I can’t even pour myself a much needed glass of red to help dull this throbbing pain.  I would have cut it off if I could but like I said I’m now a klutz.

Ray comes back to find me in a panic looking for my phone.  In the midst of all my chaos my first concern is you.  Ray starts telling me to sit down.  Here take these.  You need to calm down and get that pain under control.  Oh hey, wait a minute.  Weren’t you the guy who said my wrist wasn’t broken and it couldn’t hurt that much.  You take the stinking poison.  You see, Ray doesn’t know our dirty little secret yet.  I’ve protected us from people for so long it has become second nature.  Me and you, Matt are the only people who have knowledge of the demons.

Ray still pushing me to take at least one pill.  No way.  Open that bottle of red.  I’ll drink but no pills.  No, not opening the bottle till you take a pill.  Ok,  I can play.  I go to find a hammer.  What the hell are you doing with a hammer.  Well if you must know I bashing the head off the bottle so stand back.  Holy shit.  Are you crazy!  Ok, I’ll open it.  What the hell.  Oh and find my phone.  I try to play nice as he looks at me like he’s seen my bitch girl rise to the surface for the first time.

I call and you answer on the first ring.  Hey Mom, where are you.  I thought you’d be here by now.  I’m starting to cut the grass but was going to leave the cleaning for you.  Well Houston, we have a problem.  The fixer is broken.  Yup you heard me.  Broken like a twig.  Yup, I can’t even scratch my nose.  Stuck all weekend with a stupid splint and pain like you wouldn’t believe.  I’m so sorry Matt.  I really wanted to help.  How are things with Lisa I ask.  I wait for your answer and feel the panic building in my chest.  You’re taking too long to answer.  Shit, why now God.  All I was going to do was help keep his stress level down and hopefully keep the demons away.  Now, I’m the one who needs help.  This sucks.

We’re ok.  I’m thinking about spending more time at my place.  She’s nagging too much.  I’m tired after all the physical work I do all day and just want to relax on my time off.  She’s becoming a bitch.  My heart sinks as I remember your last broken relationship and how the demons took over taking you away to the world of comfort that you craved.  You never could handle life stresses and your only coping skill became the bottom of a bottle.   Those little white pills took the place of anyone or anything that you loved.  They took you to places I could never understand.

Ok, now I don’t know which pain is worse.  My wrist or the pain I feel knowing we are very close to our slippery slope.  Matt, things will work out, I tell you.  Maybe a break is all you need.  Couples all hit rough patches.  You might enjoy some me time.  Just you and the dogs.  Coming home and being able to relax might not be so bad.   I continue to tell you all the encouraging things I think you need to hear to boost your morale.  Deep down knowing that the shit was getting ready to hit the fan again.   Jesus, could we ever get a break.  Why did life have to throw us around like this.

We continue to have this conversation both of us starting to say the right things.  I want to scream at you,  stay away from the drugs.  You will get through this.  I will still help you.  Instead I pretend this won’t happen again.  This time you will handle things differently.  I feel as helpless as I look.  Matt, I’ll call you tomorrow.  We will work this out.  Maybe I can still come down and help.  I want to see you and I really need to be near the sea.  You sound better.  I feel encouraged.  Maybe just maybe.  Hey Mom,  what they give you for pain you ask.  Percocet I answer.  Oh you will love them.  Instant pain relief.  Now I hear it, the screaming in my brain.  No, No, No.  Matt,  I’m not taking them.  I will put up with the pain before I take your poison.  Right Mom, wait and see.  The pain will beat you down.  You’ll see, I’m right.  If your wrist is that bad there is nothing that will give you relief except lady P.  I hear you snicker.  Believe me Mom, I know.  Matt don’t.  Don’t act like this is a funny joke.  Remember the horror we lived trough.  That can’t happen again.  Please Matt, I’m hurt and I need you to stay straight for me.  Please I beg as I look at that bottle staring me down on my own table.  Laughing,  we’ll see Matt’s Mom.  We’ll see just how tough you are.. FU demons I think as the tears start and the wrist throbs like a hammer is breaking it again.  Not funny God.  Stop laughing…..