Matt,  Ray just proposed and I accepted.  I should be jumping for joy, on cloud nine, dancing on air.  Instead all I’m thinking about is our dirty little secret.   How can I bring this great guy into my life of chaos.  You aren’t a child, yet I feel such a responsibility for your life.  You always count on me to bail you out, to fix your screw ups and I somehow always do.  How long would Ray find that acceptable.  How would he feel about me working extra shifts to pay your bills.  How long would it take him to figure it all out.  That I am the best enabler a grown man could ever have.  How would he feel about me then.  More importantly how would he feel about you.

I could never let anyone put you down.  I have seen you battle your demons and have fought by your side.  I don’t know what to do.  I really said yes,  holy crap, what was I thinking.  How could I start a marriage with a lie.  You and I have been thick as thieves keeping your addiction from everyone.  My God, your brother Mike  had no clue.  Thankfully he was stationed in Florida a very safe distance from us.  Busy battling the very people you were buying drugs from.  Not one person in our entire family knew anything about your addiction.  How could I think we were gonna continue to hide when Ray would be under the same roof.  I carried the burden of having a son who was an addict alone and didn’t know if I was ready to share.

Oh God Matt, once again your addiction was casting shadows in my life.  This should be a happy time.  I should be making wedding plans not planning a conversation about how to tell the man I love that if he marries me he will be joining the wild ride that comes with the chaos of addiction.  Hold on to your hat Ray, you are signing up for the ride of your life.  The roller coaster that twists and turns then drops you ten feet sucking the breath out of your lungs and leaving you feeling shocked and pissed all at once.  Welcome to my world you lucky, lucky man.

I call, you answer.  Hey Matt we need to talk.  You sound ok,  just quiet.  Mom, I hate that you are stuck paying the mortgage.  I thought I could pick up side jobs and make up the money.  I thought I could,  Matt, save it I say.  You let this go on for months without even thinking about what would happen.  It’s a mortgage not a credit card bill.  A mortgage, like a big people bill that if you don’t pay you get to leave.  Matt, I’m still trying to figure out how to dig us out of this mess that I had no idea was even being created.  You continue to lie and hide what you are doing and now I am selling my stuff and haven’t even been able to come close to catching us up, and guess what.  I lost my job. Yup, you heard right.  I had to get back two weeks ago to have that wonderful place hold my position.  Guess what Matt, we are so screwed.   So this is the new plan.  Those jet skis gone.  Sell them now and every penny goes to catching up this mortgage.  WTH Mom,  I love those things.  I can’t sell them, that’s so not fair.  Ok, now my heart starts racing and I’m getting pissed.  So let me get this right, I’m trying to remain calm as my brain is screaming selfish brat.  It’s perfectly fine that I sell my stuff but you get to keep your precious toys.  Well I’ll be isn’t that just peachy.  Sell them or I sink them.   BS you scream.  Yup that right Matt.  It is BS that I have picked up the pieces of your mess and now when I ask you to be unselfish and help clean up the mess you created you tell me BS.

Now I’m crying and shouting about how selfish you are, how I hate what your addiction has done to my life, those feelings of helplessness and hopelessness flooding my body as I hate this person I become.  I finally stop sobbing and hear, Your Right Mom.  It’s my fault and I will sell them.  Please don’t cry I hate when we fight.  God Matt, you could always wrap me around your finger.  Just sell one I say.  We’ll start with one and see how much we get.  Once again I go into my protect Matt mode.  Don’t stress him out.  You’ll push him straight to the pills.  Oh and Matt,  I think I’m going to marry Ray.  He asked and I said yes.  Hey Mom, that’s great.  He’s a great guy and you deserve a great guy. You sound just a little too happy.  Almost making me think that you think if I get married  I won’t have time to keep an eye on you and your lifestyle.  That the Mom police will disappear.   Really Matt, you think we can make this work.  He knows nothing about our dirty little secret.  Can I trust you to stay straight.  I need you to be good.  No pills or whatever it is you do when you think I won’t find out.  Please Matt.  I have always been there for you.  Now I need you to do this one thing for me.  I can’t marry him if you’re going to keep screwing up and expecting me to fix it.  Ray deserves better and I won’t bring him into this family if you can’t start to act like a responsible adult.  I really want to be happy Matt.  To have a normal life with the man I love.   Sure Mom, whatever you want.  I’ll do whatever you want.  Matt, somehow those words should have eased my worried mind,  Instead I felt an uneasiness creeping into my bones.  Like a chill warning me to be very careful,  addicts lie my little voice was saying.  They say just what you need to hear pretending to care about you, saying they want you to be happy.  To have a normal life.  To be just one big happy family.  I could almost see the smirk on your face as you said the words I so needed to hear.  Anything for you Mom.  Oh God,  I think I’m going to puke.