Living in the chaos that becomes the addicts life is unthinkable for someone that lives a life of order. I found myself getting things back in order. That was the only way this mother of an addict can function. I remember the lists going around in my brain. Matt clean, check. House clean, check. dogs fed, check. Groceries bought, check. Bills paid, check. How foolish I was to think that my system of order would continue once I left you in our house by the sea. Matt, I think you should come home and stay with me awhile until we know you will cope with life without help from the pills you ran to when things got tough. No Mom, I don’t want to leave the beach. I love it here. The dogs love it here. I hate the rat race you live in. It’s peaceful here. I will be ok, trust me. Looking back I now know that trusting you was the biggest mistake I made. I wanted so bad for you to stay clean. I needed a break, you needed a break. I was in such denial thinking you could stay away from the euphoria that was becoming how you lived. A mothers denial is her worst enemy. I could confide in no one, this was our dirty little secret. Saying that you were an addict was way too hard for my brain to comprehend. It was easier to think you just had a problem that we fixed.
Your business, once so busy had slowly died while you were living with that monkey on your back. Your once loyal customers saw the changes in your appearance, your work ethic disappeared and even your sweet smile and apologies could not bring them back. One of the saddest days going with you to clean out your most prized possession. I remember the wide grin on your face, you were beaming with pride as you gave me the tour. Mom I did good. I remember how proud you were, you reminded me of a fighter that was shocked that he won the fight. You, who had little confidence, now owned his own garage. Your dreams finally coming true. God, I was so proud Matt. You were in business. Your reputation as an ace mechanic was spreading around Lewis. Business was booming as was the responsibility. Matt, you never handled stress, even positive stress well. I remember thanking God that you had come so far. Returning there with you was so painful. You tried to make it ok, but I knew you too well to know your heart was as broken as mine.
We packed what we could, locking the door behind us. Dreams now broken, It was time to find another.
So I left you in the house by the sea and returned to my own stress. Matt, you continued to be full of surprises. Mom, guess what. I found a job. A guy named Charlie heard about my garage and asked to see me. He hired me the same day, Mom, I am going to be ok. Oh God, how I prayed you would be.
Months passed and to my surprise, things calmed down and life found a rhythm again. Both of us working during the week and hanging out on the weekends. I still observed you like a hawk and went through your house looking like a detective on a witch hunt. Every visit, I held my breath until I looked into your eyes and saw a clearness that I craved as you craved your euphoria.
I remember you calling during the week. Mom, would you mind staying home this weekend. I met a girl and she is coming over. We’re renting a movie and hanging out. My heart stopped for an instant. Shit, a girl. Who was she, was she straight, what the hell, Matt…. I needed to trust you but, I was scared. I only knew Natt and she was gone. I didn’t want to be the Mom police but I just couldn’t shake the feeling of dread that suddenly gripped my heart. Oh God, please I need to trust him, Help.
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