So life went on as I guess it should be. You living by the sea with your Lisa and me home immersed into finding a new direction for my life. I had spent so many years trying to keep you straight that I had forgotten that I too had a life that needed attention. So even though it was so hard to pry myself away from the old routines, I stopped calling everyday and little by little started to stretch that cord that kept us springing back to each other. I have to admit Matt, it was starting to feel like what a normal relationship between a mother and her son should be. You, now a man, living life away from my constant supervision. Now this Lisa was where I used to be. Except deep down I knew you my son were too afraid of bearing your truths to this woman who you felt so lucky to have. You still never understood how amazing a person you were. For whatever reason, you still didn’t think you were worthy of happiness and no amount of praise and love would ever change your mind.
So I got down to the business that was my life. My work with the babies kept me busy during the week. Belle and Dewey were my constant companions on the weekends. Now, instead of the beach I would head to the park with my pups. Oh, yeah, Let’s not forget about Match From Hell.Com. So now my life has it’s own rhythm. Working my 12 hour shifts, dating, Oh Yeah Me! and finding new places to explore with the pups.
There came a time when I started to enjoy having the house to myself. I remember arguing with you about how to put your dishes in the dishwasher and that we didn’t have a little elf that grabbed the laundry off your floor and miraculously placed it in the washer.
I started to notice that your calls came only during the week. I just kept hoping that you like me had found some rhythm that made you feel productive and fulfilled, and that your weekend time was spent enjoying time on the sea you so loved. I still remember listening to how you said your words, your clarity, the sound of your laugh, still wondering if and when the demons would find you again.
Our lives though still intertwined were now heading in different directions. You working at a job you loved with people you called your extended family. I remember coming to visit during the week, surprising you at the garage. At first you looked shocked, then that smile spread across your face and that Hey Mom! came falling out of your mouth. I tried to just relax and enjoy your company, but continued to look for those heart breaking signs that would alert me that you were standing on that slippery slope again and I had to grab you and pull you back. You looked thinner than I remembered, I silently hoped you were following my advise and trying to eat healthy or that Lisa didn’t allow pizza and wings as your daily diet. Your eyes looked clear. You were so proud to show me around the garage and introduce me to your boss, Charlie. I remember his wife being there and hugging me telling me how you were just like a son to them. Matt, you would never know how much that meant to me. Another mother to keep watch over you. When you walked away I grabbed her hand and said, please keep an eye on him for me. I worry and I’m so far away. She looked in my eyes as if she knew and chills gripped my heart. Oh God, had she seen what I have experienced most of your life. I couldn’t betray our secret but her eyes bore into my soul like she had been where I was and together we formed a silent pack to keep you away from your demons. I left to walk on the beach leaving you to your job as cars needed fixing and that was what you did. My heart felt heavy. Warning bells sounding in my brain. My key to your house in my pocket, I turned the car around and headed to the house by the sea. I once again, praying that my instinct was playing with me and my paranoia was leading me out of control. Matt, even though I wanted to believe with all my heart that you were clean, all those years of your deception was so ingrained in my soul that even before I pulled into the driveway, the tears started to flow and that helpless feeling wrapped its arms around me as I sobbed in my car.
Being the mother of an addict is an endless journey of what if’s and whys and my precious boy our ride was no where near over. I remember my hand shaking as I turned the key pushing the door open. My need to keep you safe and find the truth was more powerful than my guilt of once again invading your space. I looked around hoping to slip in unnoticed. Your neighbors all knew me Matt and I was hoping to do this without you knowing that my trust was as changing as the wind. Your house, our little house by the sea looked abandoned. I flashed back to our week of detox and saw the dirty dishes, the moldy food the unkept home that we both so loved. I remember feeling like I walked back into the storm. I couldn’t leave a trace or move a plate. I wanted to sweep the place clean, let the house know it was still loved, but as I crept quietly through I knew you like you knew me, you hide, I seek. Ok Matt. Game on!!!!!!` ““““““““““““““““““““““““““
Tag: Addiction (Page 18 of 18)
So the weeks go by and I keep hearing the name Lisa. Lisa’s coming over, I’m going to Lisa’s. I tried to think happy thoughts, tried to be glad that you weren’t alone anymore, but that little nagging feeling wouldn’t let go of my heart. I knew the kind of people you gravitated to, and now with Natt gone, I feared your path would lead you right back to where you should never tread again. I started to notice that your calls were becoming less frequent and quick. My ears, now fine tuned for the signs that your demons were knocking on your door took over as I would listen to your words not really hearing what you were saying so much as how you were saying it.
Friends would tell me to relax. You spend so much time worrying about Matt, why don’t you worry about you. Matt’s living his life, you need to live yours.
Ok, so even though I tried to keep you under my radar, I was getting lonely. My frequent trips to our beach house were now interrupted by Lisa’s presence. The flow of our lives was changing again and I had to redirect my compass and find my own way. I kept telling myself that you were now a man and I should loosen the reins and let you grow up and away from me. I didn’t want Lisa to get the wrong impression and most important I didn’t want to embarrass you and cause any discord between us. So I kept the distance you required as you started your life with Lisa.
My friends urged me to start dating. One night, unable to sleep I just decided to just get up. I found myself in front of my computer reading emails when a pop up appeared. Match.com. Well, what the hell, I’ll fill out a profile and pay the $29.95 thirty day fee. This could be interesting, I was definitely not looking for anything serious, but a few free dinners was something I could be up for. So let the fun begin..
Well Matt, I must admit I now had something else to think about. I never knew there were so many assholes in such close proximity, but they all seemed to like my profile and send that stupid wink that I felt guilty for not responding to. As I was living what was becoming Match from hell.com, you were loving life. It appeared that you and Lisa were making it work as I continued to look for the signs that would take us back on the road leading to hell.
Well, finally the call I’d been waiting for. Hey Mom, come on down I want you to meet Lisa. I don’t know what hit when I heard those words, maybe it was my Mom instinct, but those warm, fussy feelings of excitement just weren’t there. I remember rehearsing my lines, like an actress up for the biggest part of her life. Questions swirled in my brain, does she know about your demons, did the relationship mean enough for you to reveal yourself completely to this woman. Oh God Matt, I felt like we needed a dress rehearsal to make this right. The drive down was quicker than I wanted it to be. I remember feeling like a kid on previous trips, are we there yet? In the past I couldn’t wait to get to you, this trip as my mind and heart raced I took my time. Excited to see you again but cautious as to how to approach this girl who you claimed to love. Our dirty little secret safely tucked in my heart.
Pulling up in Lisa’s driveway I remember my sweaty hands letting go of the wheel I had gripped so tightly. Taking a deep breath, ok lights, camera, action. I got out and stepped onto gravel. The house was adorable, outside clean and well landscaped. Dogs barking. Kahlua was bounding through the swinging door, bouncing and jumping at my feet. Her wet kisses so welcome. She looked at me as if she knew. It’s ok, she seemed to say. He’s ok, relax. Then there you were. That smile and those beautiful eyes. You came to me as you always did and wrapped me in your hug. God, it felt so good to see you again. You looked at me straight in the eyes and I knew our secret was still just ours. Ok Matt, I will play your game. I took it as a sign that you were clean and life was free of your demons. Out stepped a girl. I remember my first impression. Tall and very masculine. Nothing like the Natt I had come to love. Alright my brain said, don’t compare, Natt is gone and Lisa is here. Suck it up and be nice.
Sorry Matt, i just couldn’t do it. No matter how bad I wanted it to be, she just wasn’t you. I found myself really having to fake it. I caught myself observing you together, something just didn’t fit. She was just a little too bossy. Where Natt was soft,she was hard. I could feel how hard you were trying, there was nothing natural here. I remember standing in her kitchen with you, you saying “Mom, I did good”. Oh Matt, she did good. You are the sweetest, most loving man I had ever known, but still you were unsure of your worth and Lisa wasn’t the person to lift you up as you needed to stop the call of your demons. I stayed the weekend, but I slept at our house by the sea. Nothing felt right. You there, me alone with Kahlua. I felt such a feeling of dread almost like the day my hand wrapped around the bottle you hid so well. What were you hiding now I thought as I cried myself to sleep.
My youngest son, Matt died on January 3rd from a drug overdose. We had battled his addiction since high school when he started smoking weed. Back in the 90″s Delaware had no programs for teens using drugs, so off we went to Newport News, VA.
I left him there for the allowable 28 days, God the insurance companies are so stupid to think 28 days will help with any recovery. 28 days is spitting in the ocean. I’m a NICU nurse who has become self educated in the world of addiction. Matt was clean for a period of time after that first rehab, probably because he had no money and now had a mother who watched him like a hawk. Checking pupils and smelling clothes, tearing his room apart when he wasn’t home. Little did I know this was just the start of the nightmare that would become life.
High school graduation finally came. I honestly don’t know who was happier Matt or me. He was thrown out of St. Mark’s in his junior year for behavior that was unacceptable to their standards, so much for the Catholic forgiveness. He finished at McKean and excelled in their automotive program. I thought wow, this boy has finally found his niche. I began to relax as he was accepted to Delaware Tech’s automotive program. He worked selling auto parts during the day and went to classes at night. I was working 12 hour shifts in the adult ICU. He lived at home with me and life found a rhythm. We had a different relationship than most, he was my friend, my go to guy as I was single during this time. We were both so busy with our lives that all we had was each other. Sharing coffee in the morning and spending free time walking our dogs through the woods. Life was good. Matt was on his way to a productive life and I could stop being the drug police and just enjoy his company.
Years passed and Matt became an ace mechanic, making a great living. He met Natalie, the girl I thought would become his wife. Natalie moved into our house and we became a happy little family. The three muskateers.
Then as life evolves, changes come. Matt and Natt as I called them were moving to the beach to start a business in Lewis.
My kids were going out on their own. I was so proud of how far Matt had come from those dark days of addiction in high school. I was foolish enough to think we beat those demons and life would remain as I needed it to be.
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