Matt,  I wish I could get back to feeling normal.  It’s been so long I don’t even remember how it felt.  I’m now on my 3rd anti anxiety med and feel like crap.  Everything is just so off. I feel like an experiment in the medical field.  If this doesn’t work try this. Oh wait, that’s not working either then try this.  
I had my CT scans and thank God they found no evidence of recurrence but my blood work showed that my parathyroid is being a little funky. I’ve learned that can also make you feel off so I’m feeling very defeated. 
So, now it’s back to Penn to add another doctor to my list.  I swear since you died the list just keeps growing.  I’ve acquired a cardiologist now I’m adding an endocrinologist.  How much fun can a girl possibly have.  
It seems my body has taken a beating from the unending grief.   Your ten year anniversary just set me in a tailspin and now my body is revolting against me.  At least that’s how it feels.  
I was so hoping to just enjoy the spring and summer as the weather is finally cooperating and Mother Nature is showing her beauty.   But it seems my body might have different plans.  
So now it’s more tests and only God knows what is going to happen.  
There are days I truly understand your addiction.  Days where I would love to have a magic pill to make this all go away.  I wish I had taken the time to understand how you were feeling mentally rather than fighting with you to just stop.  For that I will be eternally sorry.  
I have so many regrets and even after ten years they still creep up and haunt me.   I wish we had just an hour of time where that veil between where you are and where I am could be lifted.  
Perhaps one day that conversation will come but for now I’m praying that this puzzle of my health will get solved and life will return to my new normal without you.  Love you forever.