Matt, 99 months. My brain counts the months as my heart screams how can this be. How can it be true that life has continued to march on and I have been drug along in my grief. How can this grief continue to bring me to my knees? To make me want to scream from the rooftops that I am in so much pain? How can all this time have passed yet still feel like yesterday?
Perhaps it’s because Easter has come and gone. Another holiday without you. Perhaps it’s the memories that continue to haunt me of past celebrations. Two boys with chocolate faces and hands running through the yard Easter baskets swinging from their arms as laughter filled the air.
Perhaps it’s the memories of two men laughing as they walked in my door seeing Easter baskets filled with the same chocolate they loved as boys.
Perhaps it’s the silence that has replaced the laughter, that silence is deafening as the grief is powerful. The silence from your brother. The silence of those who have passed on. The silence haunts my heart and leaves my soul empty.
Yet, I have good days. Days where I cope well. Days I find joy in little things. Flowers blooming in my garden. The dogs chasing a squirrel through the yard. An unexpected phone call from a friend. A clear Cat Scan.
I guess you could say I’ve learned to cope, to handle the pain. Sadly when I think of how long you have been gone, how long I’ve had to bear this grief that’s when my reality begins to haunt my heart leaving me breathless and wanting to scream.
Some say Silence is golden. I think of what I wouldn’t give to hear the shouting, the laughter, the voices of two little boys whose smiles were covered with chocolate……..