Somedays I feel like I’m layered in grief. I remember how I would layer my clothing on those iffy weather days. Never knowing if the sun would break through the clouds and warm the gloomy day. This grief is heavier than my clothing and unlike my clothing cannot be ripped off when the waves hit and the tide recedes.
I feel like an onion. Peeling through the multiple layers will leave you in tears. Whenever I feel I’ve come to grips with your death, I’m hit by another wave. My tears come as the overwhelming feeling of sinking into my abyss hits like a slap.
My cancer diagnosis has compounded your death. I need you here. I want you here. You should be here. I need to hear your voice telling me, “You got this Mom.” I need you to talk to your brother as only brothers can. I need you to be here to help me face the unknown. I need you so badly that I feel myself reliving that horrific fresh pain I experienced early after your death.
I grieve what could have been. I grieve who I used to be. I grieve for the life I took so for granted. I grieve for Ray and all he has lost in a companion. Layer after layer after layer. The grief builds up like volcanic ash. Get too close and you get burned. Tears flows like ash completely out of my control. Then the flow stops and mountains of ash are left behind. Mountains that block this journey to finding peace.
Mountains of tests since my diagnosis. Grief over the possibilities. Mountains of newly woken grief over you not being here to hug me. Grief over how quickly plans and life changes. Grief when I hear your brothers voice begin to crack as we both share our feeling about your absence.
I’ve read that grieving is a life long process. I will never get over your loss. I will never get over losing me. I pray for the strength to carry my layers as my journey with multifaceted grief will continue as long as I live.
Peeling an onion is like dealing with grief one step at a time. The onion comes apart one layer at a time. If you peel harshly you can tear through the layers causing damage. If you peel gently the layers fall off easily.
I will work to peel gently through my layers. Working through one layer at a time. Dealing with the feelings that I try to run from. Dealing with my losses in hopes of recovering a small slice of peace………..