Matt, A mother who lost her daughter spoke to me saying the hardest part of her grief is having to bear the “temporary separation” from her daughter. Her statement gave me food for thought.
You have been gone 5 years and 8 months from this earth. I wonder does Heaven keep track of time? Do those who have left us behind know how long they have been gone? Do you realize that we haven’t heard each others voices or seen each others faces in years?
I’ve read passages in the Bible that talk of God’s time. Psalm 90 vs. 12 states “But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.”
Your death feels exactly like that verse. One day I feel like it’s been a thousand years since I’ve heard your voice or been able to share my day with you. Then the grief hits and bam, It feels like yesterday. I can vividly recall every second of the day that altered my life forever. All those emotions resurface. The sounds of my howling like a wounded animal on hearing the news that you were gone. I can close my eyes and see your body so still, so quiet. I remember the ride to our church to say my final goodbye. One day equals a thousand years as grief knows no time frame.
I wonder what Heaven is like. If time isn’t measured by God then do you know how long you’ve been gone? Do you think about how long it’s been since we were together on earth? Do you realize that you are gone at all? So many questions dance through my brain. Questions that I will never find the answers to satisfy my heart.
How I wish time would reverse back to the days before you died. I wish we had the power to go back to the time before your demons took over. Time is defined as the ongoing sequence of events taking place. The past, the present and the future. What I’ve learned is we always think we will have enough time. Time to say the things we should have said. Time to do the things we wanted to do. We think we have a future to fix all those things we messed up so badly.
Since your death, time has marched on. Time payed no attention to my longing for it to stop. It payed no mind to the intensity of how it’s passing would impact my grief. Time here on earth is cruel and painful. Perhaps that’s why time is not measured in heaven.
I wonder how parents survive this temporary separation. How do we survive the years without our children. How do we survive all those painful events that should be welcomed and celebrated. I wonder how long temporary will be.
How I wish Heaven had visiting hours. Perhaps like a dream where we could talk like we used to on earth. We could sit by the sea and you could answer all my questions. Knowing you are safe and healthy would ease the grief and make this separation easier to bear.
I pray this temporary separation is not a thousand years. As time I’ve found does nothing to decrease the power of grief. I hold onto my faith that one day our separation will be over and we will be reunited forever in a timeless place called Heaven.