A Story of Addiction & Loss

Tag: loss of beloved dog

It’s Said All Dogs Go To Heaven.

 

Matt,  yesterday we lost our precious Scarlett.   She started to get sick 3 weeks ago and it just went downhill so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  I feel like it’s losing another piece of you all over again.  

I remember getting the call about a little dog who had been set on fire in Georgia.  Thank God she survived but she needed her burn cared for and since I was a nurse the rescue called to see if I could foster her.  

I remember asking if you wanted to take a ride to go get this pup.  We both loved dogs so I knew you would be on board.   We arrived at the rescue and walked into the barn to a kennel full of healthy lab pups.  I remember we both looked confused as these pups were perfectly fine.  

We kept walking around and finally found this tiny little pup with a hairless back due to the severity of the burns.  

I remember you reaching into her crate and bringing out the tiniest little baby.   She fit into the palm of your hand.  We decided to name her Scarlett to make a little beauty out of the trauma she suffered.  

She curled up in your hand and slept all the way home.  She was so tiny we had to find a collar in the ferret department.  

We soon learned that in that tiny body was the spirit of a big dog.   She fit right in with our pack.  Her personality was unique.  She quickly became the boss of the pack and of us.   She learned to spin and twirl in front of the biscuit jar to ensure she got her treat.  

I had 12 amazing years of loving our precious girl.  You loved snuggling with her and one day I captured you in what world turn out to be the last picture of you and Scarlett.  

It happened so quickly.   I’m still in shock.  So unexpected just like your death.  One week she was good then she wasn’t.  Refusing to eat or drink no matter what was offered.  We tried everything just like we did for you.   The vet said kidney failure.  Nothing could reverse the damage.  We loved her to the end.  Her last day was spent in my arms.  I remember telling her to look for her Uncle Matt that you would be there waiting at the Rainbow Bridge.  I laid her on her  bed in front of the sunny window letting her feel the warmth of the sun as she did on so many occasions.   

I talked to you letting you know what was happening.  I wondered if you heard me.  As she took her last breaths did you hear me calling out to you?  I can only pray that she is in your arms now.  That you are both happy and healthy.  That the rainbow bridge is connected to Heaven and one day we will share hugs and puppy kisses once again.  

 

Life Is Just One Crazy Rollercoaster Ride

Matt,

I feel like I did during those days we battled your addiction.   One day when things were going as planned I felt like I could fly.   I was always so hopeful everytime you agreed to treatment.  Like life would return to normal and you would finally return to the life your addiction stole from you.

Well we all know how that worked out.  Your addiction was stronger than my love.  It was so conniving and clever it convinced you that you were in control.   You left this world on January 3, 2015.   You were gone forever and my world was changed in the blink of an eye.   For years I walked around in a fog.   Disbelief and denial became my constant companions.  Just when I was starting to feel like I had a handle on my grief after living the uncharted life of a grieving mother 4 years and 8 months after your death, life once again became a rollercoaster ride.

I was diagnosed with cancer.   Once again that rollercoaster plummeted to the earth.  Once again my world was thrust into the unknown.  Shock, disbelief and panic found me again.   Those feelings returned with a vengeance.  I walked around numb like I did during your active addiction.   All those feelings I had buried came rushing to the surface.

My cancer made your absence even more traumatic.   I wondered if you knew what was happening here on earth.  I prayed for so long that you would come to me just for a moment to  let me know you were ok.  Finally finding your peace that eluded you here on earth.. imagine my joy when I received a message from a friend that you came to her and asked her to get a message to me.

You told her you were Matt.  You asked her to let me know you still wore your ball cap backwards.  You told her it was not my time and I must fight.  You told her things only you could know..   Your message meant the world to me.  Knowing you were still here was the best gift I could have received.  Once again I felt like I could fly.   The roller coaster was going up, up, up.  Little did I know that once again it would crash to the ground.

If I hadn’t seen it with my own eyes, I would never have believed Belle would have attacked Molly for no reason.   I immediately called our vet.  Belle had stated to show signs of aggression that was so not her.  Belle was the sweetest dog I’d ever rescued.  I thought she was reacting to my stress until the aggression continued to get worse.  It got to the point we had to slightly sedate her to make sure the aggression would stop.

I remember the day I felt her head and thought I was going to vomit.   We were sitting on the deck and she was rubbing her head against the furniture.  I called her over and started to rub her head hoping to find the spot that was bothering her.   What I felt was the size of a golf ball solid rock mass..  I immediately panicked.  Snapped a picture and sent to Stephanie our vet.

The news broke my heart.  Belle had a quick growing brain tumor.   Her aggression, like your addiction would take her life.  For one week Bella was spoiled.  Steak, hamburger, pizza anything she wanted she got.   The thing that was hardest for me was that emotionally and physically I could not go to vet with her.

Your brother was so full of compassion.  He told me Mom it’s not physically possible for you to be there.  I will be there for you.  You know Mike loved Bella as much as I did.  Mike like you took to her as soon as I brought her home.  We spent many days together with our dogs playing in the surf.

Stephanie was not just our vet.  She was my friend for years.   She loved Belle as much as we did..  I could not have asked for two better people to say goodbye to my dearest friend.  We put if off as long as possible.  I had to fight my selfish need to keep her here with me.  I spoke to so many of my dog mom friends who all relieved my guilt for doing the right thing for my beloved companion of 14 years.

Bella was the one who paced with me at night after your death.  Sleep was not something that came easy.  She was constantly by my side.  Bella was the one who found me in your closet surrounded by your clothing sobbing like a wounded animal.  I remember her walking into the closet, lifting her nose and taking in your scent.  I could  see in her eyes she knew it was you.  She kept nudging me with her nose, forcing her body into my lap.  She lay there with me for hours, once again licking my tears off my face and comforting me with her presence..

Bella left me the day after my birthday.  She could hold on no longer.  I could not watch her suffer any longer.  I prayed that you would be there with Kahlua when she crossed the rainbow bridge.  Mike said her last act of love was to kiss his face as if saying thank you.

Another tremendous loss.  Losing you, now losing another connection to you.   The roller coaster continues to keep my life on unstable ground.  Never knowing if I will be soaring toward the sky or crashing to the ground.  I do know I have no control over the ride.   I just have to hold on, pray and let Jesus lead the way……

 

 

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