Matt, there is no sleep for me tonight. I am physically shaking. I want to puke until there is nothing left and I disappear into thin air. Everything back fired in my face. I thought I was just so cool. Grabbing your scripts and reporting the pill pushers. I really thought the medical community would support my whistle blowing shutting down the practice and cutting off your supply. Never did I think you would be let in on my plan and turn against the mom who is fighting to save your life. Ahh, what did the mad little pill pusher say to you. Your mommy ratted me out and now I can’t poison you anymore cause she might come beat me up. Why didn’t they just tell you that they were not the right place for you and you needed to move on. Why bring me into it. Just shows what true assholes they really are. If they cared at all I would have been willing to meet with them and work out a weaning protocol, getting you safely off the poison. But no, they just cut you lose. WTH was I going to do now. You and your 90 Percocet and God knows how many Methadone in you hot pissed off hands.
I blow up your voice mail with pleading message after message begging you to please come home and once again let me explain. Your mailbox now full, I start texting. I can’t believe this is happening. I am slowly going out of my mind with worry. I start calling your close friends. Tell them there is a family emergency and I really need to talk to you. I get in my car and drive by all your hang outs praying I will see your truck and at least know you are still alive. I search until dark. My phone rings, my heart jumps, oh God please let that be Matt. It’s Ray. I’ve been so frantic I never looked at the time. Where are you, he asks. I’ll explain when I get home. Too much to say and I am barely holding onto my sanity.
I’m shaking as Ray tells me to calm down and breathe. I grab the letter and tell him to read. He like me is in shock. Seriously, they think pushing pills is ok. I can’t believe it either. I tell him what happened and that I’m so scared. You have not answered my calls or texts and are no where to be found. I imagine the worst. I can’t stop pacing and crying. Your phone going straight to voice mail with the message that has been playing all day. No more space for my pleading for you to come home.
I call out for the morning. There is no way I could keep my head clear enough to save a critical baby. Your addiction has seeped so deeply into my life that I become crippled with hopelessness. I replay all of it from the very beginning. Your addiction movie etched into my brain. Still trying to figure out the grip the demons have on your soul. You have lost so much and yet you continue to let the drugs steal your life away and impact me to the core. I will never understand how or why this happened to us. I look at your smiling face and question every decision made. I was the greatest enabler. I loved you so much and wanted such a better life for you. Always fixing you and saving you from yourself was taking it’s toll on me. So here we go again. The roller coaster ride. I rode it up thinking I once again saved the day and now I’m stuck on the downward spiral not knowing how this will end. God, I wish I was stronger. I wish I was one of those moms that could just let go but every fiber of my being knew I would never give up on you.
I stayed on the couch that night. I knew It would be a restless night and Ray had to work in the morning. So as we’ve done so many nights before, the pups and I curl up and wait for a sign from you. My phone is by my ear. One eye opening constantly checking. I look at all the texts I’ve sent to see if you read them Nothing, nothing, nothing. This is crazy I think. I get up and grab a bottle of wine. Hoping to calm my raw nerves. The dogs follow sensing my stress. Wine for me biscuits for them. I sit in the dark and remember the conversations we’ve had about my wine and your drugs. Hey Mom, you’re no better than me. You drink. Every night you have a glass of wine. So really you’re just as bad. Really Matt. Let’s make a deal. I won’t have my glass of wine if you don’t take your pills. Well, we all know how that worked out don’t we. I could feel the wine warming my soul and letting my beat up body and mind start to relax. My muscles were finally unknotting and I could feel much needed sleep coming. Please God, let him be ok was my last thought before sleep overcame my frantic mind.
The sun shining on my face and the sound of Ray in the shower wake me. God, I was so sore but all I could think of was you. Checking my phone again, nothing. Ray greets me with a kiss. His eyes showing his pity for me and what I live with because of your addiction. He doesn’t even ask what I’m doing today he knows. Coffee and a shower and I’m in my car again. Repeat from last night. I Drive by every place I know you frequent and some places I just take a chance. Still no luck. Hours pass and I feel the dread creeping into my mind. I keep reliving our fight. Beating myself up for causing another rift between us. I miss us. I want a do over and go back before the demons came knowing what I do now. Life the way it should be, not the way it is. I give up and go home. Grab the leashes and walk. They are the only ones who listen without offering an opinion. I can say the same things over and over and they just look at me with knowing eyes. Constantly supporting as if to say It will be ok mom. He will be back.
Night falls and still no sign or call. Now I’m calling my friends in the ER. Hey, by any chance have there been any accidents or admits for drug abuse. I take a breath and call my friend the detective. I tell him what’s happened. He calms me and reassures me he will keep an eye out. There is nothing more I can do. I am defeated by your demons. They won, just like the laughter I would hear in my head. They have you and I don’t. My phone breaks the silence and brings me back to reality. I do not recognize the number. Excuse me a voice I do not know says, are you Matt’s mom. Oh God, this is it. The call. My heart now beating so loud It’s the only sound I hear. My hand is shaking. I grab the counter. Yes, yes, I am. Please is he ok. Oh God, please. He’s with me. He was in the parking lot of our NA meeting and he is high. I drove him to Meadow Wood and I’m getting him admitted. Can you come. Oh dear God, I’m shaking and sobbing grabbing my keys and run right into Ray as he’s walking in the door. He grabs my keys. Between sobs I tell him you are safe and I must go. I’m driving. You will get killed. I sob all the way holding myself as the sobs of relief rack my body. My brain screaming he is alive. Thank you sweet Jesus. We pull up and you are standing between two of the most beautiful men I have ever seen. I run to you and wrap you in my arms. All the grief and anger forgotten. Matt, I’m so sorry. Please forgive me. You look at me as tears run down your face. Sorry mom, you smile that cocky smile that I love so much. It’s ok, Matt. It will be ok. You are taken back to be admitted. I dissolve in Rays arms. The sobs are now of relief. Ray drives your truck and I drive mine. No music just quiet prayer. Thank you sweet Jesus for saving my precious child. Please guide me in how to be an addicts mother. I pull up behind Ray. Your truck back in the driveway. You in a safe place. All is well in my world tonight. I look at the stars and whisper a thank you……