Tag: na (Page 4 of 6)

Matt, time was passing quickly and surprisingly without any drama. I have to admit this new normal was right up my alley. I spent several more weekends, some by surprise some with warning that the mom police was coming. I really wanted this to be us. The us I prayed for all the years we fought your battle. I was finding myself relaxing a little. You were still spending more time at Lisa’s than our place, but now the house looked cared for. No dirty dishes growing mold in the sink, grass cut. I would tend to the flower beds that Natt left behind and remember how the three of us fussed over what plants would look best. God, I missed the three of us, everywhere I looked I saw Natt. I felt myself grieving for the girl I wanted so badly to be your wife, to give me those little babes that would be the most beautiful children with your eyes and Natts face, but as they say life goes on and now there was Lisa. There were times when I knew you saw my thoughts as we could still read each other’s mind. I saw that same grief pass your face then that smirk would appear, it’s ok Mom, I’m the one who screwed up. I miss her too.
I was spending equal time between our house and Lisa’s, knowing that I had to try for you. Still watching the two of you from afar and still no warm and fuzzies for me. But you know me Matt, whatever made you happy made me happy so I continued to play the part of the mom you needed me to be, you know the one who supported you in all things, even those I didn’t agree with. I was allowing myself to foolishly forget that you were an addict. Always checking for the obvious signs, the dead give away that your demons found you again. I remember thinking that this was too good to be true. I’d educated myself enough to know addiction just didn’t go away like the common cold, but this new found peace was just what my weary soul craved. Maybe, just maybe we were the one in a million, you know the people you read about that just get straight and stay there. Please God, let that be us. Finally just a mom and her son enjoying life by the sea as it should be.
I would leave you and pray that our good fortune would continue. Me going back to the rat race of my life and you staying by the sea. I would tell Ray about you now with a little more confidence. How you were living my dream. Living by the sea, doing what you loved, relaxing in the sun, no worries about your future. You lived for today, and as much as that would drive me crazy I had to admire you. I was the type A, I worried about the bills, the house, the job. You worried about nothing. I never realized just how smart you were, worrying is such a waste of time. Looking back, I wonder if you knew your demons would win and take you away.
Finally the day came. I felt secure enough with the way things seemed to be going to bring Ray with me to meet you. Ray, like us loved the beach. We came during the week, knowing you were at work gave me a sense that this meeting would go well. Praying that even you knew how much you would risk showing up for work using. I wasn’t quite convinced that we were out of the woods, so weekend visits were reserved only for me. Ray and I spent the day on the beach. Soaking up the sun and playing in the sea. I really loved this man and needed this meeting to go well. Any man sharing my life needed to know I was a mom first and my kids were a priority, especially you, Matt. We had a relationship, an unbreakable bond thanks to your demons and the dirty little secret we shared.
We met after your work day ended. I was relaxed after a day in the son. I kept trying not to let the fear creep into my mind. I needed you to do this for me. Just once, I needed something from you and I hoped you would somehow sense how much this meant to me.
Please Matt, be the guy I loved. The guy who was friendly, let your smile and humor shine through. Leave the demons in their place and be my Matt.
We were in Ray’s car waiting for you. I remember thinking this was a good thing. You would not recognize this car. I would have time to do my checks without you even being aware. Your black pickup pulled into the parking lot. OK, now my heart starts to race. Oh God, this is it. Please just once give me a break. You step out, my eyes follow you. Gait steady. check. you walk to the deck of the restaurant. Your face looks great. Tan and carrying a smile. You light up a smoke, I think dam, still have that nasty habit, then a slap hits my brain. Hey, if that’s the worst, no sweat.
Ray and I get out of his car. Me, still focused on you. You see us coming, smile and start coming toward us. My eyes catch yours, those beautiful eyes are clear! Looking good. Speech clear. Thank you God. You wrap me in your hug. My body relaxes. I got this Mom. Matt this is Ray, Ray this is Matt.
Oh Matt, I was the happiest I’ve ever been. We are together and you are really here. Smiling and engaging in conversation. You are present. My God, is this what it feels like to be normal. To anyone observing us, we look like the perfect family. Parents and their son having dinner. No demons present tonight to rob you of who you are. No catching you as you slump over in your seat then laugh cause you think your behavior is just so dam funny. Oh Matt, what a gift you have given my heart tonight. My beautiful son as he should be. Oh God, please keep us in this safe place. We deserve this normal. No demons sucking the life out of our happiness, normal is something we didn’t have a lot of and I prayed it would hang on to us and never let us go. Little did I know the demons were hovering, laughing and letting me have my moment of sweet joy.

Matt,  I tried to put your addiction out of my mind for a little while and just give myself a chance to breathe.  I finally had someone else in my life to think about and I really wanted to not be so consumed with saving you.  We continued to play our phone games, me still trying to catch you as you fell and you doing your best to be the son I needed you to be.  Things seemed to be going ok with Lisa and I tried to forget the disorder of your home when I did my last sneak and search.  I tried to remember that you were no Martha Stewart and could be a bit of a slob.  Memories of you living at home started to give me a false comfort whenever I thought about our spats about you picking up after yourself.   I was amazed at how easy it was becoming to be a somewhat normal person, my thought not consumed by your demons.

Life was becoming what it was supposed to be.  Now I was starting to have a new focus, Me.  Your addiction was also mine and I was so tired of the fight.  Having a little normal was just the break I needed.  Ray was giving me just what my weary heart needed.  Joy, fun, something else to think about besides our dirty little secret.  Some days I actually amazed myself.  I didn’t think about your problems at all.  Then, of course the Mom stuff would creep in and the guilt would come.  How can I expect to have a normal life, to have fun when I knew deep down that your demons were not far behind.  

As Ray and I grew in our relationship, we started to share more and more about ourselves.  Funny to find out we grew up 5 minutes from each other and hung out with the same group of friends, somehow our paths never crossing.  He had two daughters.  Mel was 12 and Erin 15.  I told him about you and Mike, how you lived at the beach and Mike being married with a beautiful daughter Madison.  I tried to keep it light when I told him about you, your business, the boat and our precious house by the sea.  Knowing that if we continued on this path the time would come to meet.  I prayed that if and when our secret came out he would be the kind of guy to understand that I was not one to stand by and let my son destroy himself. 

Time went by, you and Lisa, me and Ray all wrapped up in the living of life the way the way it was supposed to be.  You and I were finally stretching that cord just a little further.  Ray’s job required some travel, so off he went to Florida and I on a wim called and invited myself down to the sea.

You were caught off guard but recovered quickly.  Sure Mom come on down.  I miss you.  You can stay with us at Lisa’s.   Bing, bing, bing, warning bells going off in my brain.  No Matt,  I’m not comfortable enough to spend lots of time at Lisa’s.  I’ll stay at our place.  I could feel your hesitation through the phone, your wheels turning, shit, how do I get out of this one.  Keep giving me excuses and I’d know for sure.  Ok Mom,  what time are you coming.  Well, you know me Matt,  I’ll show up when I show up.  I’m not giving you a heads up so you can clean up whatever mess you were hiding.  No way,  what time do you finish working.  Five, great said my sneaky little mind.  I’ll be there by three.  Ok Matt, see you about six!

Flashbacks flooding my mind from the last time I used my key to sneak in and do my drug sweep.  This time feeling a little less guilty, after all you knew I was coming.  Well what difference does it make if I just happen to show up a little early.  Trying to stop all the clatter in my mind during the drive down, I started to pray.  Please God, let him be ok this time.  I don’t know how much more I can take fighting the demons that seem to follow him everywhere.  Calm my mind, settle my heart and give me the strength and compassion to face whatever it was that I knew was coming.  Life had been too good for too long.  I could feel it in the air.  Call it my trained mother of an addict instinct but my gut was telling me to get ready as the storm was churning and waiting for the right time to sweep us out to sea.

Well Matt,  your smarter than I thought.  You won this round.  I pull onto your street and see your jeep.  Damn,  you beat me.  You walk out with an enormous trash bag and a smile that let me know that you had become expert at our game, you hide I seek.   Hey Mom, you’re early.  The place was a little messy.  I spend a lot of time at Lisa’s so this place get neglected some times.  It’s all cleaned up now.  I didn’t want you coming here thinking you had to clean up for me.   Ok Matt,  now I know you are playing the part to perfection.  The addict in denial.  Ok, Matt.  I’ll play your game and do the dance as we pretend that things are the way they should be.  You pretending, hiding and denying, me on the hunt, waiting and watching for the next ripple leading to the breaking of the dam we built so well. 

Well Matt, I left your house empty handed and heavy hearted and headed to the beach.  I walked for miles, feeling so defeated. my mind full of what if’s and why’s.  What could I have done differently to have stopped your addiction before it started.  You see Matt, as your mother I had this foolish notion that I was powerful enough to cure you.  That all I had to do was continue to tell you how to live.  Work hard, pay your bills, enjoy life by the sea, stay straight.   Oh Matt, looking back I now realize how unrealistic my expectations were for you.  The demons that continued to seep into your being were more powerful than a mothers love.  Somehow deep down I knew we would begin the battle again.  I only hoped you would let me back in.   We met for dinner at a place near the beach.  You told me you would like to treat me to dinner as a pay back for all the things I’ve done for you.  I knew you too well, this was no pay back, this was keeping me away from knowing that something was amiss in your world.  So we played the game.  A son and his mother enjoying each others company.  We talked about everything else as the elephant grew larger with each sentence.  I wanted so badly to confront you with what I’d discovered earlier.  To point blank ask the question that would send our lives spiriling once again out of control.  Instead, I bit my tongue.  Smiling at your stories of work and Lisa.  I remember feeling like I was in a fog, not really hearing just observing, waiting for a slip up.  I was a marionette nodding and laughing on cue.  I had to keep your secret to myself.  You could never know that I once again over stepped that fine line drawn between a mother and her adult son.  We parted with a hug and a promise to keep in touch.

I drove home with a racing heart and mind.  Knowing that our dance was about to begin again.  Wondering what it would be this time.  Which pills would take you to that place you craved more than life itself.  God, please keep him on the path to health.  Keep him safe.  Find a way into his heart, let him know you and find his peace without pills.  

A week passed, we spoke, you continued to pretend that you were living the life I needed you to live.  You phoned at odd times.  Times when you had to be straight.  The middle of your work day or first thing in the morning.  I didn’t catch on at first, but suddenly it hit me.  You couldn’t afford to slip up and lose your income.  Pills aren’t free.  So now I would call at times convienient for me.  Friday nights and weekends.  The times I thought were the perfect trap and I’d catch you at this game we had both decided to play.  Matt, you should have been an actor. Or maybe you figured my stragety and now we danced around these calls like two strangers trying to fiqure the other out.  Cat and mouse, you and me.  Sad but true.  The calls were not what they should have been, but a trap I was setting and you were fleeing.  

My life was on hold.  I knew that no one could ever understand that my adult son and saving him was the priority of my life.  Yes, I worked and spent time with Mike, Heather and Madison.  I tried not to have my brain constantly consumed by you.  Unfortunately, a mothers instinct doesn’t take a break.  I so needed a break.

Our game continued as the months passed.  I got back into trying to steer my life in a direction not totally consumed by your addiction.  My friends, tired of always hearing the worry in my voice were becoming distant.  You see Matt, mothers don’t ever want to think that addiction can happen to their children.  Hearing about you scared them.  Made them think that their perfect world with their perfect children could turn into the nightmare we were unable to escape.  Not my son, would always be their responce while listening to our story.  Although this angered me, I understood.  Addiction was taboo.  Dirty and nasty.  Something not talked about at functions.  Foolishly they thought if they stayed away our trouble would not rub off on them.

One night, unable to sleep I checked in with Match.  I had stopped dating as there was no one I’d found interesting enough to waste a night off with.  I’d rather rent a chick flick, grab a bottle of red curl up with the dogs and vege.  I had a wink from this guy named Ray.  A wink is when someone reads your profile and is interested in meeting.  Well, I thought what the hell, he couldn’t be any worse than the asses I had already wasted time with, so I winked back.  Next came an email then a phone call.  Holy shit, a normal guy.  I was intrigued.  What really sealed the deal of a date for me was a night laughing with close friends, see Matt,  Joanne and Terry loved us both enough to stick by when all the others left.  We were sitting in Jo’s kitchen pulling up all the guys profiles and laughing our asses off at how stupid they were.  The guys wondering what the hell was so funny joined us in the kitchen.  Ray’s profile  popped up. Rod stopped and said, Hey, that’s Ray.  He’s a great guy.  Go out with him.  He mountain bikes. I know him.  You will be ok.  

Date night.  I was nervous, didn’t know what to expect.  Matt, guys would post pictures of themselves twenty pounds lighter and expect me not to notice or still be married and just looking before making the final break from the wife.  Like I said, asses.  So I wait at Steward’s the pub where we agreed to meet.  Ray is late.  I’m getting pissed.  Ok, asshole, you have about five more minutes before I leave and delete Match from my computer.  Just as I’m turning to leave, in walked this guy.  He looked just like his picture.  He came right over and took my arm.  I’m Ray, let’s get a table.  Incredible.  He was exactly what the doctor ordered.  Conversation flowed.  A drink turned into dinner.  An hour turned into not wanting the night to end.  A connection.  Holy crap, feelings I had long since buried started emerging.  Laughter, joy.  Wow, the most incredible blue eyes staring into mine.  I felt like I was 16 again.  Heart fluttering.  This guy was amazing.  We parted with two kisses and a promise to continue.  I got in my car feeling happy and hopeful.  For once, your darkness didn’t flood my mind.  Was there hope for someone like me to have normal among the chaos that your addiction brought to my life.  Please God.  Let this be real.  I really need someone for me.  Just once, some bright spot in a life consumed with saving a son who didn’t want to be saved.   A lightness that I hadn’t felt in so long flooded my heart as I turned off the light and thought about Ray.

So life went on as I guess it should be. You living by the sea with your Lisa and me home immersed into finding a new direction for my life. I had spent so many years trying to keep you straight that I had forgotten that I too had a life that needed attention. So even though it was so hard to pry myself away from the old routines, I stopped calling everyday and little by little started to stretch that cord that kept us springing back to each other. I have to admit Matt, it was starting to feel like what a normal relationship between a mother and her son should be. You, now a man, living life away from my constant supervision. Now this Lisa was where I used to be. Except deep down I knew you my son were too afraid of bearing your truths to this woman who you felt so lucky to have. You still never understood how amazing a person you were. For whatever reason, you still didn’t think you were worthy of happiness and no amount of praise and love would ever change your mind.
So I got down to the business that was my life. My work with the babies kept me busy during the week. Belle and Dewey were my constant companions on the weekends. Now, instead of the beach I would head to the park with my pups. Oh, yeah, Let’s not forget about Match From Hell.Com. So now my life has it’s own rhythm. Working my 12 hour shifts, dating, Oh Yeah Me! and finding new places to explore with the pups.
There came a time when I started to enjoy having the house to myself. I remember arguing with you about how to put your dishes in the dishwasher and that we didn’t have a little elf that grabbed the laundry off your floor and miraculously placed it in the washer.
I started to notice that your calls came only during the week. I just kept hoping that you like me had found some rhythm that made you feel productive and fulfilled, and that your weekend time was spent enjoying time on the sea you so loved. I still remember listening to how you said your words, your clarity, the sound of your laugh, still wondering if and when the demons would find you again.
Our lives though still intertwined were now heading in different directions. You working at a job you loved with people you called your extended family. I remember coming to visit during the week, surprising you at the garage. At first you looked shocked, then that smile spread across your face and that Hey Mom! came falling out of your mouth. I tried to just relax and enjoy your company, but continued to look for those heart breaking signs that would alert me that you were standing on that slippery slope again and I had to grab you and pull you back. You looked thinner than I remembered, I silently hoped you were following my advise and trying to eat healthy or that Lisa didn’t allow pizza and wings as your daily diet. Your eyes looked clear. You were so proud to show me around the garage and introduce me to your boss, Charlie. I remember his wife being there and hugging me telling me how you were just like a son to them. Matt, you would never know how much that meant to me. Another mother to keep watch over you. When you walked away I grabbed her hand and said, please keep an eye on him for me. I worry and I’m so far away. She looked in my eyes as if she knew and chills gripped my heart. Oh God, had she seen what I have experienced most of your life. I couldn’t betray our secret but her eyes bore into my soul like she had been where I was and together we formed a silent pack to keep you away from your demons. I left to walk on the beach leaving you to your job as cars needed fixing and that was what you did. My heart felt heavy. Warning bells sounding in my brain. My key to your house in my pocket, I turned the car around and headed to the house by the sea. I once again, praying that my instinct was playing with me and my paranoia was leading me out of control. Matt, even though I wanted to believe with all my heart that you were clean, all those years of your deception was so ingrained in my soul that even before I pulled into the driveway, the tears started to flow and that helpless feeling wrapped its arms around me as I sobbed in my car.
Being the mother of an addict is an endless journey of what if’s and whys and my precious boy our ride was no where near over. I remember my hand shaking as I turned the key pushing the door open. My need to keep you safe and find the truth was more powerful than my guilt of once again invading your space. I looked around hoping to slip in unnoticed. Your neighbors all knew me Matt and I was hoping to do this without you knowing that my trust was as changing as the wind. Your house, our little house by the sea looked abandoned. I flashed back to our week of detox and saw the dirty dishes, the moldy food the unkept home that we both so loved. I remember feeling like I walked back into the storm. I couldn’t leave a trace or move a plate. I wanted to sweep the place clean, let the house know it was still loved, but as I crept quietly through I knew you like you knew me, you hide, I seek. Ok Matt. Game on!!!!!!` ““““““““““““““““““““““““““

So the weeks go by and I keep hearing the name Lisa. Lisa’s coming over, I’m going to Lisa’s. I tried to think happy thoughts, tried to be glad that you weren’t alone anymore, but that little nagging feeling wouldn’t let go of my heart. I knew the kind of people you gravitated to, and now with Natt gone, I feared your path would lead you right back to where you should never tread again. I started to notice that your calls were becoming less frequent and quick. My ears, now fine tuned for the signs that your demons were knocking on your door took over as I would listen to your words not really hearing what you were saying so much as how you were saying it.
Friends would tell me to relax. You spend so much time worrying about Matt, why don’t you worry about you. Matt’s living his life, you need to live yours.
Ok, so even though I tried to keep you under my radar, I was getting lonely. My frequent trips to our beach house were now interrupted by Lisa’s presence. The flow of our lives was changing again and I had to redirect my compass and find my own way. I kept telling myself that you were now a man and I should loosen the reins and let you grow up and away from me. I didn’t want Lisa to get the wrong impression and most important I didn’t want to embarrass you and cause any discord between us. So I kept the distance you required as you started your life with Lisa.
My friends urged me to start dating. One night, unable to sleep I just decided to just get up. I found myself in front of my computer reading emails when a pop up appeared. Match.com. Well, what the hell, I’ll fill out a profile and pay the $29.95 thirty day fee. This could be interesting, I was definitely not looking for anything serious, but a few free dinners was something I could be up for. So let the fun begin..
Well Matt, I must admit I now had something else to think about. I never knew there were so many assholes in such close proximity, but they all seemed to like my profile and send that stupid wink that I felt guilty for not responding to. As I was living what was becoming Match from hell.com, you were loving life. It appeared that you and Lisa were making it work as I continued to look for the signs that would take us back on the road leading to hell.
Well, finally the call I’d been waiting for. Hey Mom, come on down I want you to meet Lisa. I don’t know what hit when I heard those words, maybe it was my Mom instinct, but those warm, fussy feelings of excitement just weren’t there. I remember rehearsing my lines, like an actress up for the biggest part of her life. Questions swirled in my brain, does she know about your demons, did the relationship mean enough for you to reveal yourself completely to this woman. Oh God Matt, I felt like we needed a dress rehearsal to make this right. The drive down was quicker than I wanted it to be. I remember feeling like a kid on previous trips, are we there yet? In the past I couldn’t wait to get to you, this trip as my mind and heart raced I took my time. Excited to see you again but cautious as to how to approach this girl who you claimed to love. Our dirty little secret safely tucked in my heart.
Pulling up in Lisa’s driveway I remember my sweaty hands letting go of the wheel I had gripped so tightly. Taking a deep breath, ok lights, camera, action. I got out and stepped onto gravel. The house was adorable, outside clean and well landscaped. Dogs barking. Kahlua was bounding through the swinging door, bouncing and jumping at my feet. Her wet kisses so welcome. She looked at me as if she knew. It’s ok, she seemed to say. He’s ok, relax. Then there you were. That smile and those beautiful eyes. You came to me as you always did and wrapped me in your hug. God, it felt so good to see you again. You looked at me straight in the eyes and I knew our secret was still just ours. Ok Matt, I will play your game. I took it as a sign that you were clean and life was free of your demons. Out stepped a girl. I remember my first impression. Tall and very masculine. Nothing like the Natt I had come to love. Alright my brain said, don’t compare, Natt is gone and Lisa is here. Suck it up and be nice.
Sorry Matt, i just couldn’t do it. No matter how bad I wanted it to be, she just wasn’t you. I found myself really having to fake it. I caught myself observing you together, something just didn’t fit. She was just a little too bossy. Where Natt was soft,she was hard. I could feel how hard you were trying, there was nothing natural here. I remember standing in her kitchen with you, you saying “Mom, I did good”. Oh Matt, she did good. You are the sweetest, most loving man I had ever known, but still you were unsure of your worth and Lisa wasn’t the person to lift you up as you needed to stop the call of your demons. I stayed the weekend, but I slept at our house by the sea. Nothing felt right. You there, me alone with Kahlua. I felt such a feeling of dread almost like the day my hand wrapped around the bottle you hid so well. What were you hiding now I thought as I cried myself to sleep.