Matt, it’s been a while since I’ve written. I’ve just felt so lost lately. The summer has passed and I missed spending time at the beach our once favorite place. It’s been a really tough summer for me physically. The last bouts of radiation really did a number on my back. Spasms and pain so bad it literally stopped me in my tracts. So many days I was forced to take pain killers just to function. On those days my mind drifted to you and what you went through right in front of my eyes.
I feel like I am you. Constantly in pain and constantly trying to get away from it. My anxiety like yours has made some days worse as my mind goes to those dark places.
Everyday is a fine balancing act. Deciding what do I treat and what do I just deal with. What’s worse today has become the question I ask myself daily. Is the anxiety going to be the beast today or the relentless pain. Which beast do I try to beat back and which beast do I let run rampant over my mind.
Then I have a flashback of you walking like an old man and I feel my tears building. I wish I understood then what I do now. You were just looking for peace from your pain. They say you never understand what someone else is living through until you live it too. Well, Matt I get it. There are days where I just want the pain to stop. Days I just want my old body back before the cancer hit and slowly destroyed my ability to just be. I took my health for granted. Even as I watched you and argued over your pill use I never thought I could one day be in your shoes.
How I wish I could turn back the clock for both of us. To those carefree days when we were both happy and healthy. The days of running on the beach with the dogs. The days of laughter and sunset boat rides. Days we both laughed until we cried. God I miss what I foolishly thought would last forever. I still can’t believe you’re not here. You are the first person I want to talk to when the pain hits. You are the only one who can understand how life can go from perfect to so damn hard in the blink of an eye. I just wish I could see you for a minute. I’d tell you how sorry I am for how you suffered from your injury. I’d tell you how I wish I understood more and pushed you to do things less.
So now your life has become mine. I’m terrified of becoming addicted. I’m terrified of what the future might hold for me. I’m also terrified of living my life in constant pain unable to do and be what I did and who I was before.
I pray you have found your peace. That you are whole and healthy living on the most beautiful beach your eyes have ever seen. It’s the one way to survive how life has become with you gone and me walking in your shoes. So now I continue my balancing act choosing which demon to defeat on a daily basis as I also pray for peace.
I also pray one day you will be waiting for me when I leave this earth. I pray to see your beautiful face and hear your voice say hey Mom I’ll race you to the sea. Forever in my heart.
Recent Comments