Ok Matt, we can play this new game. No more Hey Mamas for you. Even in your blissful state you were as smart as a fox. So I made a plan to out fox you. No more Mom police. Just going to be as cool as a cucumber. No more twenty questions, no more trying to catch you in a lie. Just going to sit back and watch you unravel. Then I swoop in and save the day. That’s what I did, always saving you from bad choices, bad people and bad situations. At least you had Lisa in your life and I hoped she would alert me as things starting to get out of control. Maybe I was putting too much faith in a relationship you built still keeping your dirty little secret. I just couldn’t imagine that you could pull off your act twenty four hours a day. There would come a point where even she would start to see changes and hopefully realize you were stoned. So I wait for the call I know will come, either from you or Lisa. It didn’t really matter to me who called, I knew the call was coming.
Friday came and so did my craving for the sea. Ok, I tell myself, you can go and just enjoy the weekend. It’s part your house and you deserve to get away. I talk myself into thinking I’m going down and will be able to continue being this new cool Mom. I talked to myself a lot since your demons came into our lives. Most times there was no one else I could talk to honestly about the nightmare that kept finding us again. No one wants to hear about my son, the addict. So I became the best talker and listener all wrapped up in one. I would catch myself having conversations while driving. I would be so involved that I never realized that I was actually talking out loud. This all started before the wonderful Bluetooth was invented so I couldn’t even pretend I was talking to someone other than myself. Cars would pull up and
The drivers would look at me like I was crazy. I would look over and read their thoughts. Oh Yes, You are right I am just about as crazy as I can get away with being. My son’s an addict and this craziness is my normal. I didn’t bother to call to tell you I was on my way. I still had my key and thought I would just act like my coming was the most normal thing in the world. Just a Mom coming to the place she loved.
The closer I got, the less cool Mom I became. That familiar throat tightening, the feeling of panic started to grip my body. The what if’s started playing with my mind. What if he’s high. What if his bills aren’t paid, what if I see all the signs showing me the demons have landed. Could I just keep my cool and wait for the cry for help.
I pull up in the driveway. My checklist starts. Wow, the grass is cut. The house looks like somebody lives here. I start to shake as I put my key in the door. Please God, let this be ok. Please no dirty dishes or dog hair everywhere. Let me walk in and find normal. Let this house look like it is lived in even if he spends most of his time at Lisa’s. I hold my breath. Holy crap. No dishes, no dog hair, no clutter. My mind races. There is no way he knew I was coming. Does he have ESP or is he just playing another game. I take a breath and feel myself relax. Maybe, just maybe I over reacted. Maybe he is not abusing like I’m used to. What a great feeling. Relax I tell myself. It’s all ok.
I settle in. I walk to the bay and let the salt air fill my lungs. Thank you God. I really needed this. My happy place is happy once again. My mind starts. Should I call and let him know I’m here or should I just enjoy the peace of the sea. Am I being selfish to just want calm, to not second guess every word or action. Being the Mom of an addict is the toughest job in the world. I want to hide out but that little voice keeps telling me to just touch base. Before I decide I hear that familiar voice, Hey Mom. I turn and see that handsome face. That smile. I take a deep breath and try to stop the checklist from hitting my brain. Matt, how are you. You look great. How did you know I was here. Mom, I know you. I know you can’t stay away. I made sure the house was ready for your surprise visit. That smurk spreads across your face. Dam Matt.
Ok, I will play. Remember I’m a cool Mom now. So we sit and try our hand at small talk. I must admit, if I didn’t know you I would swear you were the straightest guy I ever met. A true saint. You didn’t even light a cigarette the whole time we sat on the rocks. I tried to think of things to say. Watching the dogs run in the surf was a great distraction. Sitting side by side looking like a normal family. Looking at us no one would believe the hell we’ve endured at the hands of your demons. No one would believe the chaos that has become part of our lives. No one would believe that we have started this new game. On the outside we look just like any other mother and son. Sitting side by side watching the dogs play in the surf. Addiction is like that. Sly like a fox. It let’s you think you can have normal. It fools you into letting your guard down. Giving you just a little tease of what life could be like. Over the surf I hear it. That voice of caution. Careful cool Mom. This battle is far from over. We are just playing our game. I swear I could feel their presence hovering above us as we sat and tried to be just us. Go to Hell, Demons…Game on…….