That are days when it just sneaks in. When you begin to feel its weight wrapping around your heart. When you feel that all familiar tightness in your throat and the cloak of heaviness wraps itself around your body and refuses to let go.
You try to understand what is happening. When you woke you felt ok. Then as the hours passed and a memory played in your mind your body reacted and remembered.
Grief is like an unexpected visitor. Like hearing that knock at your door when no one is supposed to be knocking. It doesn’t matter if you open your door, she seeps into the crevices and finds her way in.
You try to get away. To keep her at arms length. You didn’t plan on her visit, on your heart to feel like it’s being strangled and your breath to feel labored. You woke to a sunny day with beautiful blue skies but grief doesn’t care about the weather when she strikes. Grief is relentless and commanding.
Grief doesn’t count the years, she doesn’t care about the length of time that has passed. Grief has no time limit and she knows her power never lessens once she’s wrapped herself around your heart.
Grief never forgets where you live. She knows how to find you. A song, a memory, a glance at a photo. The sound of a hawk, or visit from a raven she knows your triggers and uses them well.
You try to keep busy. You clean, do laundry, walk the dog and all the while she holds on like a lost child refusing to let you out of her sight. She digs deeper into your soul until you are nothing but a mass of tears. You are drowning as the waves come with unexpected force. Pulling you into that abyss of darkness. Regret swallowing you as you struggle to remain afloat.
You finally give up and let grief have her way. Understanding that this fight will never be over. Some days she stays on the horizon but she never forgets that you loved a son who is now forever gone and your heart always has a place for her to exist…….
Grief has found me today as I remember my beautiful boy…….Grief
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