Matt,  today I go to drop off toys to a single mom with 3 boys. I was once a single mom and know how tough the world can be but it’s so much harder during the holidays. I have found that giving to others really helps my grieving heart especially this time of year.

These holidays are hitting hard as your 10 year anniversary is January 3rd and I’m struggling to survive those waves of grief. They seem to be getting more and more powerful as we are getting closer to Christmas then New Years then that fateful day when you left us all behind.

I’ve been praying a lot asking God for peace but somedays I feel he is deaf to my prayers.

I felt some joy picking out toys for boys as memories of Christmas shopping for you and Mike so many years ago flooded my brain. Wondering if they believe in Santa and if these toys would put a smile on their faces.

Pulling up outside her residence I see a mom with a little boy. I wave to let her know it’s me. She walks over as I’m opening up my truck and I see this precious little smile on a face that looked so familiar. His hair the color of yours as a boy. The shape of his face, his eyes all yours.  I catch my breath and fight back tears. He says Merry Christmas as I hand mom the bags and continues to smile that precious so familiar smile.

My heart is smiling and screaming as I return to my car unable to stop the flow of tears. Those tears fell all the way home and continue to fall as I think of things that will never be. I got the gift of a glimmer of a child that could have been mine, the child of my child, a grandson I will never hold or make memories with.

Today was both a beautiful blessing and curse. I wonder if God had a hand in the circumstances of this moment. A grieving mother trying to make Christmas a little merry for a single mom who then received the greatest gift of a little boy’s oh so familiar smile.  Oh Matt, how I wish you were here and that little boy was holding your hand and smiling that precious smile as he called me mom-mom.   

I’ve lost so much more than you…………