Matt,   Christmas is in 14 days and I feel like I’m trudging through quicksand.   Going through the motions while shaking inside.  

Once again the Hallmark Christmas movies are playing daily portraying the perfect family and of course the perfect holiday season. 

No one talks about the real life reality that not everyone is looking forward to the celebration, the parties, noise and all the hoopla that seems to be everywhere.  You can’t  go anywhere without hearing holiday music not even the grocery store.

This year seems to be hitting especially hard.  I keep wishing I could turn back time, knowing how little time we had left I would have bought you a plane ticket making sure you were here surrounded by family.  I would have never let you go back to Florida.  We would have figured out a plan but every time I talked to you all I heard was how much you loved being warm and by the sea.  Little did I know that would be our last time sharing Christmas conversation even if it was only by phone  

I look back thinking of all the things I would have done differently.  It’s like torture.  Hindsight is a horrible thing.  It all becomes so clear after the fact, but remains so blurry in the thick of things.

I wonder what Christmas is like in Heaven.   Are you surrounded by peace and joy.  Is it beautiful?   Have you been reunited with family members?  Can you see how hard it is for me?   

One thing I know for sure is I will miss you forever.   Your smile on Christmas morning as you opened your gifts.  Hearing your laughter intermingled with your brothers.   Watching your pleasure as you gave your pups their toys.  Hearing your voice saying Merry Christmas Mom love you.  

This year I will hold you in my heart especially tight allowing those memories to sustain me as I struggle through another Christmas without you my beautiful boy….