Mother's Heartbreak

A Story of Addiction & Loss

Category: Uncategorized (Page 5 of 8)

So Much More Than A Sweater

December 23, 2022 /

Matt,  I have a friend who collects clothing and donates them to men who are leaving treatment and going into sober homes.  As you know many leave with the clothes on their backs and nothing more.  

We have become close as we have both lost our loved ones from substance abuse and work together trying to make a difference in someone’s life to honor her brother and you, my son.  

I really thought after almost eight years I could walk into your closet gather a few things together and drive them over to her collection site.  I had several of your tee shirts made into a quilt about five years ago, but still had bins of your winter clothes stored in what used to be your closet. 

In my heart I knew it was the right thing to do.  I knew it was what you would have wanted me to do.  You had such a giving heart and would want your clothing to keep another man who shared your disease warm this bitter winter season.  I really thought I could just walk in there and grab your stuff, pack it up and deliver it without my grief grabbing my heart and ripping the scar wide open.

What I didn’t expect was to be surrounded by your scent as I opened the bins containing your winter sweaters.  I didn’t expect the guttural reaction my soul would have as I put my face into the softness of fleece breathing in you.  I could feel myself losing control as memories of you began dancing in my mind.  I could see your smiling face as I wrapped myself up in one of your favorite sweaters.  I could picture you coming in from the cold wearing the sweater I was now wrapped up in.  

My tears started to flow as I kept telling myself that these beautiful sweaters were not helping anyone and I knew what I needed to do.  

I felt like a robot going through the motions as I lifted them out of the bins and placed them into bags to deliver to my friend.  Talking to myself, talking to you trying to summon strength to continue with my plan.  

Driving to her place my tears continued to flow.  My grief continued to wreak havoc with my heart.  I questioned if I could go through with my plan as I pulled up in her driveway.  She recognized my pain and wrapped me in a hug.  Reassuring me that you would be happy to donate your things to give others the blessing of warm clothing.  

As I was removing the last bag I reached in for one last smell, one last touch.  It was then I knew this one sweater was coming home with me.  This one sweater was you.  It was your smell, your eyes, your hair, your smile, your laugh.  It was your voice saying I love you Mom.  That sweater draped over my shoulders on our ride home was a piece of you I could not give up……..

 

Grateful With A Side Of Grief

November 25, 2022 /

Matt,  Thanksgiving is over.  Today is full of reflection.  Our gathering yesterday was a far cry from those days before your death.   The days when the house was full of family, friends and laughter.  

Over the years our family has grown smaller either through death or conflict.   It was a blessing to have Aunt Mary at 90 be healthy enough to join us for dinner.  It was a blessing to have our long time friends and Rays daughter and her new fiancé share the day with us.  Rather than a houseful of people we had 6 for which I am thankful. 

Please don’t get me wrong I have much to be thankful for.   I’m thankful for all the years we had together.   I’m grateful for all those beautiful holidays we celebrated as a family.  Grateful for having you and your brother sitting around the table grabbing pieces of turkey feeding them to the pups.  Thankful for all those lazy days we spent by the sea.  For our talks and walks sharing life.   I’m thankful for all those beautiful memories we made but grieving that there will be no more. 

I’m grateful  you spent those last years of your life living with me but broken that your life was cut short and you no longer walk through the door or hug me good night.  I’m grieving your empty chair and your handsome face that is now missing from family photos.  I’m grateful I took so many pictures as they have become precious treasures.  

I’m grateful I had the chance to support you through your disease.  I’m grateful you knew you were loved.   I’m grieving  that I know more now than I did then and I wonder how life would be today if I had that knowledge when we needed it most. 

I’m grateful for your life.  Grateful to have been your mom.  Grateful that I was able to watch you grow from a baby into a man.  Grateful to have shared your dreams and watched as you made them come true.   I’m grieving the dreams we had for your recovery.  For a future wife and children to fill our lives with joy.  

I feel like I’m severed in two pieces.   Both grateful and grieving as I continue to navigate this path trying to figure out how to survive this life…….

 

Overdose Awareness Day

August 20, 2022 /

Matt,  before you died August 31st was just another day. Now, it’s a day I wish I knew nothing about. This day that was once so innocent has become a day that hits my heart and soul. 💔.

It’s a day that now has a title. International Overdose Awareness Day is a day I don’t want to participate in. It’s a day I’d like to fly by and disappear never to come again. 💜

This day is a heartbreaking reminder that my amazing son is no longer here on earth. It’s a day that makes me want to scream until I am no more.

This day signifies incredible loss and longing. I acknowledge my loss and long for it not to be reality.

This day binds us to one another. 💕 Those left behind after losing our precious children to Substance Use. This day thousands of parents unite in honoring and remembering our children. We support one another from afar. Our grief wraps around the world as we hold each other up offering a hope that together we will survive our tremendous losses 💜

Together we say their names. We make banners including the children of others who know our pain. 💜

We light candles and tell our stories as our tears blend across the globe. We send hugs and love when we hear of another’s loss. We reach across 50 states offering support as only those of us who walk our journey can. 💔

We light the world with the color purple. We set out our empty chairs. We fight for better treatment. We fight stigma. We fight for our right to grieve. We fight for our states to lower flags to acknowledge the precious lives of those we lost.

International Overdose Awareness Day is still a day I wish I knew nothing about. It’s a day I’d rather be spending with Matt relaxing by the sea. Instead I will be standing together with thousands of grieving parents as we refuse to let our children be forgotten. Together we stand allowing our hearts to touch knowing that as broken as we are we are never alone.💜

I pray for Gods peace for all who like me would rather have nothing to do with this day. 🙏🏻🙏🏻

Its Not About the Money

March 22, 2022 /

Matt,  I’ve been involved in the lawsuit against the Sackler family and their killing machine Purdue Pharma.  It’s been a disturbing time as I listened and read transcripts from the lawsuit.  It’s maddening thinking that the Sackler’s could give a damn about the lives and families they destroyed.

They are acting like they are the innocent victims and those of us involved in the lawsuit are nothing more than dirt they want to scrape off their shoes and get on with their wealthy, carefree lives.

Taking no responsibility to their part in the opioid pandemic their company Purdue Pharma created.  Acting as if all the lies, the buying of doctors to overprescribe their poison should have no consequences.  

If I could I would shove your picture in their faces and scream like a mother who’s heart has been ripped out of her body.  I would continue to scream until I had no more strength then I would spit in their faces as they have done to the thousands of mothers who wear my shoes and know my grief.

The thing the heart less family can’t come close to understanding is that it’s not about the money.💔


What the Sackler family and their killing machine Purdue Pharma can’t comprehend is that this settlement is NOT ABOUT THE MONEY. 

This settlement is about the families who have been irrevocably broken.  It’s about the mothers whose hearts have been shattered.  💔

It’s about the siblings who will never grow old with their siblings.  It’s about the children who will grow up without a parent.  It’s about the father’s who hide their grief to hold their families together.

This settlement is about the mothers who took their lives as the thought of living without their only child became unbearable.  💔

It’s about the fact that Purdue Pharma lied to the DEA, to the medical community, and to the public regarding how highly addictive OxyContin truly was.  Providing kickbacks encouraging providers to ignore the complaints and concerns of their patients and continue to prescribe massive deadly doses of their poison pills. 

It’s about the fact that Purdue Pharma knowingly continued to market and sell Oxytocin to providers who prescribed it to those who were obviously abusing the pills. 

It’s about the fact that the Sackler family made billions of dollars, lived lives of luxury and put the BLAME ON THEIR VICTIMS while spitting in the faces of the families who were losing everything to pay for treatment in attempts to save the lives of their children.  

It’s about the fact that the Sackler’s feel they can buy their way out of knowingly murdering thousands while walking away without accountability for their crimes. 🤬

It’s about the fact that NO AMOUNT OF MONEY WILL EVER REPLACE OUR CHILDREN OR RELIEVE THE AGONY, ANXIETY, GUILT AND HOPELESSNESSES WE HAVE ALL SUFFERED. 

It’s about the fact that without imprisonment the Sackler’s will go back to business as usual reaping the benefits of lies, deceit, and disregard for human lives.

The Darkness Rolled In

March 8, 2022 /

Matt,  today is a beautiful day.  The sun is shining.  The sky is a magnificent shade of blue.  I should be able to enjoy the beauty but today my darkness found me.  

I never know when it will return until I feel it building like a storm churning out at sea.  Just off my horizon threatening and ominous.  There are times it dissipates before hitting but today it hit full force.

I never know what brings it on.  Perhaps it’s the memories of our lives before your death.  Perhaps it my loss of the life I lived before my cancer treatments and surgeries.  Perhaps it’s the guilt for not understanding how your chronic back pain drove you to seek relief through poison pills.  

Now that I live with your pain my thoughts turn to how horrible it must have been for someone so young to endure daily pain.  I feel like I’m re living your life as a lesson only to be learned by experiencing exactly what you did.  

You injured your back.  That injury led to surgery.  That surgery changed how you were able to work and live.  Your limitations forced you to give up your business and to make lifestyle changes no one your age should ever have to make.  You lost your ability to do everything you loved and masked the pain both physical and emotional with pills.  

I injured my back.  A tumor was found and surgery followed.   Cancer was found.   That surgery changed how I was able to live.  No longer could I do any of the things that helped keep the darkness away.   No more riding my bike screaming into the wind.  No more yoga where I could stretch and twist and breathe the grief away.   No more digging in the dirt, planting colorful flowers to ease my pain. 

Now all I have is time.  Time to remember, relive, and rethink every moment of how life used to be.   Time to pray for peace in dealing with the losses of my life.  Time to remember life when the memories weren’t coated in grief.  

 

 

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