Matt, Thanksgiving is over. Today is full of reflection. Our gathering yesterday was a far cry from those days before your death. The days when the house was full of family, friends and laughter.
Over the years our family has grown smaller either through death or conflict. It was a blessing to have Aunt Mary at 90 be healthy enough to join us for dinner. It was a blessing to have our long time friends and Rays daughter and her new fiancé share the day with us. Rather than a houseful of people we had 6 for which I am thankful.
Please don’t get me wrong I have much to be thankful for. I’m thankful for all the years we had together. I’m grateful for all those beautiful holidays we celebrated as a family. Grateful for having you and your brother sitting around the table grabbing pieces of turkey feeding them to the pups. Thankful for all those lazy days we spent by the sea. For our talks and walks sharing life. I’m thankful for all those beautiful memories we made but grieving that there will be no more.
I’m grateful you spent those last years of your life living with me but broken that your life was cut short and you no longer walk through the door or hug me good night. I’m grieving your empty chair and your handsome face that is now missing from family photos. I’m grateful I took so many pictures as they have become precious treasures.
I’m grateful I had the chance to support you through your disease. I’m grateful you knew you were loved. I’m grieving that I know more now than I did then and I wonder how life would be today if I had that knowledge when we needed it most.
I’m grateful for your life. Grateful to have been your mom. Grateful that I was able to watch you grow from a baby into a man. Grateful to have shared your dreams and watched as you made them come true. I’m grieving the dreams we had for your recovery. For a future wife and children to fill our lives with joy.
I feel like I’m severed in two pieces. Both grateful and grieving as I continue to navigate this path trying to figure out how to survive this life…….